Hi. So, when I was 5 my mom died, but she left me and my brother just after I was born, so I didn't know her and could not grieve her death. But my father had a disease called Muscular Dystrophy and it was terminal. He died when I was 11 and I cannot describe how utterly lost and sad I felt. But then my brother started getting more and more depressed, and eventually, he commited suicide when he was 18 year old. This was a year after my dad died and the other things that happened within that year like myself being put into a foster home when he had been claiming for custody of me, his girlfriend cheating on him, a friend of his died, and eventually it all mounted up and he killed himself. When he died, he wrote me a letter, explaining things and some poems. Now, the letter has personal things in I would prefer not to share but I want to show you one poem. It goes,

'Still your weeping
Dry your tears
Grieve not for me
For I am near
Go not to that earthy mound
I lie not there, beneath the ground
But rather next to you every day
I see your pleasures, joys and fears
Still to my heart you are dear
I am with you – ever near
To see you weep saddens me
To see your joy gladdens me
So – hinder not my lovely Jay
We will meet another day.'

And I feel so angry that he left me, that he tells me not to be sad when I needed him most, he left me. And I feel so wrong for feeling this, I don't think I have a right to. He nicknamed me Jay when I was young, and it's what he would call me, but I'm so angry at this situation. Not him, really, but what he did. I don't class them as the same, because this act was not who he was. Paul was my big brother, the one who taught me to ride a bike, and then laughed when I fell off and told me to try again, and he was the one that went to my first boyfriends house and warned him off me, god, I remember that, how angry I was at him when I found out, but he was my big brother and I don't understand why he did this to me. And so many times I've felt that, he's up there, with dad and meeting our mom, that I should be there too. And they would hate me for thinking this, but I just feel so alone. I want to live, but I want to be with them. And I can't have both. I choose life, and I choose to live for them. But people talk so much about closure, and I wonder when the hell it decides it's going to pay me a visit because I can't get over that my big brother left, and he didn't tell me anything about how bad he was feeling. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own grief, or I just assumed he was grieving like me, but never enough to kill himself. I don't want to judge him for this, but I wish he'd just told me, because a well-worded letter doesn't take the pain away. So, someone, please tell me that he didn't know what sorrow it'd cause me by doing this, that he didn't mean it. Please, don't judge him or think bad of him, because no matter what he's always going to be my big annoying brother and I don't want his memory marred, but does anyone have a guess as to what was going through his head when he did this? Are you a victim of a close one's suicide? If you can tell me anything, or just talk to me, I would apprieciate it.