Thinking positivly is not an easy thing to do ...not today but I sure am trying. It is the first day of deer season, a day I always spend alone because it is one of the the hardest days of the year for me. Memories flood me, and and unbearable pain ripps through my body. I am one of the few on this board that do not have fibro, but today I know very well what it feels like, the unbearable pain goes right to my bones. It will happen again Dec 26th like clockwork..nothing eases the pain, so there is no point in medacating for it. I just sit and listen to my relaxation music and try to think about the positiave things in my life.

So far as I sit at my computer non of my friends are online to chat, RIck is gone to work... I think for once this is a good thing. He tries so hard to understand, to listen as I explain all that is going on in my mind, but it is not untill I sit down at a computer that I can express anything. I cannot put what I am going thorough into words untill I sit at the keys and type. Even then it is often to hard. SOmetimes I feel like the people in my life already experiance to much of my pain with me,watching my flashbacks, holding me as I cry scream and flash, I know they love me and that my pain is their pain... I know what hurts me hurts them and I do not want them to feel the same pain Im feeling... on the other hand I know that there is no way they can feel my pain, or even come close to understanding it.

I watch videos on u tube about child abuse and childhood sexual assult... but it is always about the children that die from it... never about those of us who have managed to live through the brutality, to survuve it, who's scars are hidden so deep that noone ever sees. I keep trying to write my book about what I have been through... everyone says I need to, says I should. I know it would help me heal so much and would open the eyes of so many people about just how badly poeple need to start paying attention to the world around them, care about what is happening to others and make a diffrence in the world.... it is not enough to focus on just you and your family. I have even thought about hirring a ghost writer to help me get past where I am at, I am stuck and cant seem to move forward on the book... maybe it is because I cant seem to move forward on life either. I don't know.

But today is a beautiful sunshining day, Rick woke me with kisses and cuddles, made me breakfast and I had my morning time I so love. I have a quiet day to myself to do with what I please and Rick has told me tonight is up to me... I need to try to focus on the positaive, try to get past the pain, bothe physical and emotional and move on with the day.

HUgs to all
Karen