I seem to be stuck on this rollercoaster of life. Lately it has been up and down more than I care to deal with, and I feel the world spining out of control. The past week end was wonderful. Rick and I spent much of the weekend alone together and he realy made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world. I felt so pampered and cared for, we talked, cuddled, watched moves and spent time doing all sorts of little things together that just made me feel like I was on top of the world.

We went to a party in the cities and even there it was all about me, his focus was about me being happy and having fun, we had a truly good time. The three hour car ride took four because he took back roads, to view lakes and trees as they hit their final color change before winter steals their folage. Our conversation was deep and meaningful and realy brought us closer in so many ways.

We danced and partied untill 2 am and then started home again.... drove a few hours and pulled the van over in a way side rest, cuddled up in sleeping bags in the backseat of the van and napped together, it was so sweet. We woke to the sunrise, and finished our drive home.

It was an amazing weekend... Just what I have needed , a break from all the stress and issues at home.

Then came Monday... My oldest had her CD assessment and had failed her UA...tested positave for alcohol, pot, and opiates... this after running away and being missing for four days, and having gotten a minor consumption, the social worker informed me that she was being sent to Northland Recovery Center for 45 days of drug treatment starting today. So this Am I had to pack her up and drive her in to treatment.... and walk away. The hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I grew up in out of home placements, I never wanted my children to have to spend a single day out of my care... I want to cry, to scream, to curl up in a ball and dissapear. I know it is what is best for her, she has already tried other drug treatment programs and they have ot helped... but I still feel like I have in some way abandoned her like I was abandoned as a kid. All the feelings I had growing up have flooded me today and I feel myself sinking so deep I can hardly breath..... Is it possiable to drown without water?

Rick for once has been great, he is being the rock I need him to be, but I am sinking and sinking fast.... and I cant seem to find the strenth to even want to find my way back up.

Karen