Discussion Topic
Do Dad's grieve differently then Moms
Posted on 11/07/09, 12:13 am
My husband is so quiet and I feel all alone in my grief. I have breakdowns and he doesn't know what to do or say. He is like a piller of strength. I am crushed and broken hearted. Do dad's react this way? Do they feel as sad and heartbroken as us?
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Reply #1 11/07/09 11:19am
Every person reacts their own way. That doesn't mean they are hurting less. No one knows how to make us feel better. It can't be done until it is time. Just take solace in his strength when you can and continue to do whatever it is you need to do to get through the day. It will get less hard to deal with as time goes by. hugs j -
Reply #2 11/07/09 9:18pm
Our 15 year old son died of leukemia after being hospitalized for most of 19 months. He died on September 2, 2007. My husband has responded very differently than me. For several months, I alternated between sobbing and sleeping. My startle reflex was way off, so I was very jumpy. I felt really alone, and pretty much still do. My husband wanted to be consoling but there was nothing he could do. Because he wasn't sobbing and hysterical, it felt like he didn't care. But he spent lots more time at the cemetery, a place I do not like to go (and once in a while, I find I can ONLY go there, and am drawn almost like something pulling me). Even now, I find EVERY thought has to do with Michael, and he can get "lost" in a football game. A few weeks ago, I asked him how much he thinks of Michael and he said he thought about half the time. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I am. When no one is thinking of him, it feels like we've abandoned him, and then I MUST think of him. Like you, I am sad and heartbroken, but even after 2 years of this hell, I'm not sure my husband has the depth of emotion. Perhaps moms are just wired differently, but my core aches physically all the time. -
Reply #3 11/08/09 1:07am
I think it is the whole physical attatchment. We felt their first moves. They grew inside us then we nurtured them. They are an extension of us and I think that is why it hurts mom's so bad. Honestly I feel like I am dying and I don't even care if I do!! -
Reply #4 11/08/09 2:58pm
The human spirit is an amazing thing. Even during our darkest grief we continue to do the things to sustain us. We eat, not much but enough, we sleep. Our hearts keep beating and we keep breathing. All of those things are automatic. I am sure many mothers would just follow their children if it weren't for that automatic saving grace. But because our spirits are so strong, we will make it through this journey and learn to live again even though it doesn't feel possible right now. -
Reply #5 11/10/09 6:42pm
I think there have been studies that men and women do grieve differently. I get frustrated with my husband because I feel like he's denying the sadness he feels by thinking he has to be the pillar. If he comes home from work drained and really down (not typical in the past) he claims it has nothing to do with Corrie but I know that it does. We have had a couple of arguments about our grieving process but we try to be gentle with each other and understand that each person needs to grieve in their own way. I think it's really tough for Dads because they feel that their "function", perhaps even more than the Moms, is to protect their kids and keep them out of harm's way and I know that my husband says he will never forgive himself for not knowing on THE night. My sister lost a daughter to suicide five years ago and her husband refuses to speak her name ~ not out of anger or forgetting ~ it's just too hard for him. My sister wishes he would but she respects his need not to. I think Dads do grieve as deeply, just not in the same way.
Love to all ~ Debbie, Corrie's Mom -
Reply #6 11/21/09 9:54am
If you want send me a not on this and I will share some of my experiences with this.. love to you..
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