Discussion Topic
sibling reaction (as in my brothers and sisters)
Posted on 11/06/09, 10:27 pm
We are 2 years into the death of our 15 year old. Between my husband and I we have 8 siblings. All of them have children ranging in age from 12 to 30. Being around them is so painful for us. It's like a tsunami hit us, and they are playing in the water the tide left behind, oblivious to our our gasping for air from the storm. Our friends check in with us frequently, and feel warm and nurturing. They speak our child's name. But our siblings with one exception, do nothing.
We would like to hear other's experiences. Thank you.
We would like to hear other's experiences. Thank you.
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Reply #1 11/06/09 11:26pm
I have one sister who offers her advice as to how I should be reacting. The worst thing that ever happened to her son was a broken leg. She has no idea how I feel after watching my daughter suffer through cancer for 4 years and then to die suddenly from something else entirely. She does tell me how sorry she is and since she had just visited with my daughter in Aug after not seeing her for 5 years I'm sure she is. My oldest sister lost her husband 7 years ago and she is the one who told me about this website. My one brother has not even called me at all. Sent a card. I come from a family of 10 children and we always rally when one is in trouble but they really have no idea. We are scattered over many states so I have not had to visit with my nieces and nephews of the same age yet but will in December so I do not know how I will react. I'm pretty sure their minor issues and complaints will mean nothing to me. I will sit at the table and smile and nod my head but really not care. I probably should not even go home for the Christmas party but my father would be so disappointed and he is 81 now and I want to spend any time with him as I can. -
Reply #2 11/07/09 9:52am
Becca, so many of us experience the same thing. The only thing I can imagine is that our loss has struck too close to home for them: if we can lose a child, so can they. People must think this is contagious, like the flu, so if they avoid us they won't catch it. For some, if they were close to our child, they have their own pain to deal with and seeing us suffer is more than they can handle.
This past year, the week before the third anniversary of losing my son, I was talking (crying) with my mother and asked her why my siblings had ignored the date the previous years. She had no answer. I'm certain she called each one and gave them an earful because I got a call from every one of them the following week. One of my sisters admitted she knew I would be miserable and didn't know what to say. My response was simple: please just let me say his name. Let me talk about my child and let me laugh with you as we share memories of him. Don't let it be as if he were never here - he was real and will always be so to me.
To those who can't figure out what to do, remind them to let you say his name.
God bless -
Barbara/EvansMom
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Reply #3 11/07/09 9:54am
I have 1 brother, he lives an hour away. He was there for me that day and the following week, but since then I barely hear from him. About a month ago his mother-in-law passed away and he was quite upset with me that I did not feel I could handle going to the wake/funeral. She had come to my son's wake and he felt I owed her respect. He has no idea what I am going through. We've lost both our parents and I told him in no way is losing a child the same. He has recently admitted he doesn't know what I am going through and he was a jerk for getting mad at me. My cousin told him if he called me once in awhile he would know what it's like for me. I get alot of support on facebook. My son's friends have friended me, they made a memorial page for him, they are a great source of love and support. Thanksgiving will be my first family get- together - a lot of November birthdays, including my own. It will be hard to be around my nieces. I will be thinking of Doug and missing him, he took me out for a nice birthday dinner last year. I will have to try hard to feel him with me. -
Reply #4 11/08/09 7:18pm
I have one brother who lives far away but has been very supportvie calling me often. My husband has two sisters.The older of the two has kept in touch and been careing and understanding she too lives far away.. His younger sister lives five minutes away. She attended the funeral and helped to arrange food to be here that day and then did not call for 6 mnths.She tells friends who ask her about us that we are fine???? I am not sure how she thinks she know anything about us. My husband says he doesn't care but it hurts. -
Reply #5 11/10/09 6:34pm
I guess I am blessed with understanding siblings ~ partially because they have known their own grief. My sister lost a daughter to suicide five years ago (she has 10 other children) and my brother lost his wife to breast cancer in 2002. My other sister went through a divorce 10 years ago that was very like grieving for a lost relationship. She said it took her two years to feel "normal". I try to force everyone, siblings and friends, to say Corrie's name. It's not always easy. I agree that it may come too close to home for siblings and people do feel like it's contagious, just as some of my sister's friends started avoiding her when she went through the divorce.
I am so grateful for FMO because you never tire of listening to me angst. Thank you!
Love and hugs ~ Debbie, Corrie's Mom
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