Discussion Topic
Anyone having difficulty forgiving someone?
Posted on 08/11/09, 09:05 am
I wanted to get opinions on forgiveness.
Anyone having trouble with forgiving a person who played a role in your child's death?
My son committed suicide and my sister played a role by not letting him talk to us or letting us talk to him. She controlled everything even down to the doctors he went too. When he was suicidal she wouldnt have him committed or inform me of the magnitude of his illness.
It was very ugly.
I am trying very hard to forgive her by choice but I dont want any further contact with her.
I wondered if anyone else had to deal with something like this.
Susan
Anyone having trouble with forgiving a person who played a role in your child's death?
My son committed suicide and my sister played a role by not letting him talk to us or letting us talk to him. She controlled everything even down to the doctors he went too. When he was suicidal she wouldnt have him committed or inform me of the magnitude of his illness.
It was very ugly.
I am trying very hard to forgive her by choice but I dont want any further contact with her.
I wondered if anyone else had to deal with something like this.
Susan
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Reply #1 08/11/09 9:08pm
I felt sadness in finding out that people knew about Anthony's addiction and how bad it got at the end and did not tell anyone.. I have yet to feel anger but your situation is so different.. for me anger takes up so much energy, negative engery.. I just have to let things do and realize that I cannot control what others do only myself.. to forgive your sister is not to forget what happened but to give yourself some peace.. who knows why she behaved the way she did and why she made certain choices but the anger will eat us up if we let it. I was badly abused as a little girl.. I will never forget but had ot forgive and let it go as it was affecting me.. and my life.. hope this helps.. -
Reply #2 08/12/09 6:41am
Munrogirl
Thanks for your response. You are right the anger and unforgivness is like a heavy weight pulling us down. But my anger was not directed at her as much as at myself for the choices she made. Somehow i felt i let her make those choices by sending/letting my son go there.
I am working through this now realizing i had no control over her or him.
It saddens me to think my sister stood by and let my son fall apart.
Hugs Susan -
Reply #3 08/12/09 8:01am
Forgiveness is one of greatest gifts we give ourselves. But it's SO hard sometimes. I closed the door (emotionally speaking) on my relationship with my father almost 20 years ago. He's done many vile and repulsive things. I've said the words "I forgive my father" out loud many times. Never to him.... This is a gift I gave myself. I freed myself of the daily anger, and hate, I felt for him. I have lived the past 20 years missing the idea of having a dad in my life, but never missing the dad I had. Kala's father was less than perfect shall we say. Many things came to light that I never knew about. Did he play a part in her passing, no. But the pain, depression, and sadness she expressed because of his actions will always haunt me. But him, too, I have forgiven. That's even harder than forgiving my own father. Hurt me, well, ok....hurt my kid, !!!!. But I must forgive him otherwise I spend the rest of my life thinking about HIM and hating him. My time and energy is better spent thinking about Kala, and love. When consumed with anger, we cannot love. And LOVE is all that matters!
Forgiving those who've wrong us, or those we love, does not mean continuing the relationship as if nothing has ever happened. Forgiveness simply means letting go of the destructive emotions ruling your thoughts and actions. Forgiveness sometimes allows a relationship to heal and grow, it also sometimes ends a relationship that can only be toxic. Let your spirit guide you through forgiving your sister. I hope the relationship can be healed, but know it's OK if it cannot be. You must find your own healing and experience your journey in truth and light.
Thoughts and prayers are with you, Teri. -
Reply #4 08/12/09 4:56pm
well said.
thanks
susan -
Reply #5 08/15/09 6:46am
Susan, I think there are many of us who are dealing with this. In the beginning, I prayed to forgive Evan's wife for all the things that had gone on and I couldn't. I think I didn't want to - the anger kept me from having to deal with my loss. Eventually someone told me to stop praying to forgive her and to start with baby steps: pray for the DESIRE to want to forgive her. There's a subtle difference in there and, yes, it did help.
Now, I don't know if I have forgiven or if I've just put her out of my conscious thoughts. I try to avoid thinking of her because it gets me crazy inside again, but that lead weight inside my chest is definitely lighter. Did she care if I was angry and hateful? Heck, no! Who was it hurting? Just me. Forgiveness is for US not for THEM. Find some way to work on letting it go so it doesn't poison you for the rest of your life.
God bless -
Barbara -
Reply #6 08/15/09 7:23am
Barbara
I have found a way to let it go and it has made my life a lot better.
I was trying to take on my sisters wrong doings as my fault.
Now i know thats her problem.
Like you said she probably has given my sorrow a single thought.
Its time for me to start living a little.
God bless you too.
Susan -
Reply #7 09/02/09 3:39pm
I try to convince myself that I have forgiven the boy that killed my son, and somedays, I feel maybe I am getting close, but on really bad days, I know I haven't.
Sunday August 30th was Chad's birthday. That is when I truly knew I have not forgiven Zach.
Somedays I want to, but today is not one of them. -
Reply #8 09/05/09 8:06am
I totally undersattand and so does god. We can only due what is humanely possible at the time. Its a hard call to forgive someone totally for hurting our child. I think it would be way easier to forgive someone who hurt us. Its been a long hard road for two years of dealing with this and like you doxylady there are days when I truly Hate my sister.
Hugs to you
susan -
Reply #9 09/15/09 12:39pm
My son-in-law, although he denied it, was having some kind of relationship with a woman [ he knew before] who lived in another state. They kept in contact via the phone way before Shana was killed in a car accident. Two months after Shana's death, he and this woman went to Mexico for a vacation. The poor fool tried to say it was purely platonic. Former SIL is now in the process in moving to another state to be with her. Shana's children are now adults and will not move with him, thank heaven. Angry yes, to have him think I was so naive as to believe his story. Happy, yes to have him gone,out of state, not to have to see him very often. I pity him. I guess that can be a form of forgivness. -
Reply #10 09/22/09 11:13am
I have trouble forgiving the boy my son was riding with the night he got killed. He caused so much pain to several families that night, but mine was the worst. He was nothing but a problem to his family & I questioned God on "Why my son & not him". But I have heard from other people over the last 15 years that that boy has had a living hell all this time knowing that he killed his friend. But he has lived with what he did, so I guess that helps a little.
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