This Has Been Hard For UsPosted on 04/28/08, 12:40 am
Since January he has been very confused about everything, his job, himself, and our relationship. He does contracting work, refurbishing all kinds of refinieries and factories. He was in California in January and by mid-February he told me that he was not sure if he was in love with me anymore. Come to find out he was talking to a girl over the internet and on his cellphone through text messages. We worked through it and he said that he wanted to work on our relationship.
Hes been home about a month now and he has been OK but still a little on edge. He never wants to talk to me about anything, he keeps everything bottled up and I have learned NOT to press him about the way that he is feeling because it just makes him so upset.
Ive noticed here within the last week that he has been acting weirdly again. And I saw the phone records for this month and it seems as though he has been talking with another girl again. I havent confronted him about it yet. I dont understand what I am supposed to do. I have always been the kind of wife that really tries to please the husband in every way. I have a feeling that the PTSD may be playing a hand in all this but Im not sure. It just seems that he cannot sit still. He cannot stand normalacy or routine. I understand that because he was always surrounded by missions and terroristic acts in Iraq. Im just at my wits end and I really dont know what to do or think about all this anymore. I dont want to subject my kids to all the confusion that I am feeling and I certainly dont want my daughter thinking later on that its ok for her husband or boyfriend to treat her badly or cheat on her. I want to help him overcome this disorder or at least to understand it. I just cannot fathom leaving him to face this disorder alone but at the same time I cannot face the daily heartache that he is inflicting on me. I am SOO confused, I have no idea what I am supposed to do. Any advice for me out there?
Reply #1 04/28/08 3:56am
Isabella...Has he sought treatment from the VA yet?
If not, I would really try to get him to go and get evaluated for PTSD. Then, he can get into therapy, and get on some Meds that will help him.
I can feel your heart-breaking in your post...and I SO don't want to see your family broke up b/c of what could be a PTSD issue.
I think once he gets into therapy for himself...you may also think about couples therapy as well.
I have PTSD, and do my own therapy...my DH has some issues and is getting back into therapy...and we BOTH need to get into Couples Therapy as well.
He will definitely need a solid support system to help him heal from his PTSD.
It seems like he may be 'acting out' in an attempt to drown his pain/sorrows, etc. Kinda similar to self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. I hope this doesn't happen, that he turns to this other girl.
Please try and get him help.
Here's the VA's PTSD website, there should be useful links and numbers to call:
If you need anything else, I'm here for you!
Reply #2 04/29/08 2:46pm
Sorry this is happening to you. Not much advice, but I'm glad you're looking for help with this. Take care.
Reply #3 04/29/08 5:40pm
He really needs to be in treatment for his PTSD. I also know about pushing your man away, by trying to help, so whatever you do, I think has to be done carefully and gently and aways under the lable of unconditional love. STill you have to do what's right for you children, however, I think that if you put your husband's imediate needs first and explain things to your daughter as she is able to understand this can be an important learning process for her. I, too have PTSD and know how confusing and isolating it is. I am in treatment. He may be substituting this other woman as a way of getting support in a more anonamous way. I don't know, really, but I can see it. I will keep you in my prayers. Feel free to talk to me any time.
Reply #4 05/04/08 11:15am
Thank you so much, you guys, for all the support and advice. Daisy & Beck, I think that you guys are right about my husband trying to "act out" and have "anonymous support" through talking to another woman. I brought up the issue about the number that I found and we got into an argument over it. I still am not 100% about anything at this point but he has told me that he will not cheat on me and Im inlcined to believe him.
Im scared of losing my family and I want to help him AND myself. I actually began going to counseling because if I am going to make my husband and my family happy, well I have to find happiness for myself first. The emotional rollercoaster that I have been on for the last 5 years is beginning to take its toll on me, I figured that some counseling may do me some good. I am already feeling a little better just having someone to talk to that isnt judging me and is really listening and not just waiting for their turn to talk.
My husband has noticed a change in me and in the last week he has seemed so light and happy. Almost like before we were married, its amazing, really.
I know every marriage has its highs and lows but I can honestly say that this is the highest High that we have had in YEARS. Im just going to live in this moment and enjoy the happiness that we are experiencing right now and not worry about tomorrow until its today.
Thank you guys for your advice, really. Yall help set me on the right path. Just reading your responses made me realize that I really needed to work on myself first before I could even think about being a "solid support system" for my husband.
Reply #5 05/06/08 10:25pm
I'm glad you are seeking therapy for you...and things have started to make a positive change in your household.
But, don't forget to try and get your Husband assessed for PTSD, so he can get treatment. He REALLY NEEDS professional help to help him heal from his PTSD. And, healing from PTSD can take a long time, the sooner he starts, the better things hopefully will be.
PTSD is Hell, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
There is Hope in Healing!
This is a group where family and friends of those with PTSD can gather support with one another and share advice...and much more. It is not easy living with and.or understanding our loved ones with PTSD...I hope this group can help make that easier!