Discussion Topic
Son just sentenced in Federal Case
Posted on 10/28/09, 09:34 am
I am not sure how to respond. I have been focusing on just being a mom up until the sentencing hearing. Now, its over and all these repressed emotions come out unexpectedly
Feeling so many things -not sure where to go from here. All the consequences of being convicted of a crime like this is going to become part of my life. But, from the position that I cant do anything to assit and merely watch him suffer. At least thats what it looks like at this point.
Just an entry into a public forum where I think someone probably has been in my position before?
Feeling so many things -not sure where to go from here. All the consequences of being convicted of a crime like this is going to become part of my life. But, from the position that I cant do anything to assit and merely watch him suffer. At least thats what it looks like at this point.
Just an entry into a public forum where I think someone probably has been in my position before?
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Reply #1 10/28/09 2:57pm
I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing such sadness...This is just the beginning...My son was sent to a private Florida prison this past February ... I have come to realize this is MY new normal.......We can pray for them, take their phone calls, write, write, write and love them......Whatever happens, don't give up on your son...He needs you more than ever...I hope someone reads your post who has/had a loved one in a Federal prison. I am sure they will share info with you...We care....Love and prayers, Barbara -
Reply #2 10/28/09 5:48pm
To echo Barbara, I am so sorry you & your family are in this situation. I also agree that letting your son know that you STILL LOVE him & you are not giving up on him are crucial (both for him & for you).
Welcome to posting in the group, it's a pretty big step to take!
We do care & I will add you to my prayers.
Diana -
Reply #3 10/28/09 6:06pm
Mine was in a military so what I know will probably not help you much....but I will say he has the avenue of Appeals that can help alot! so your sons lawyer has a certain period of time to file the motions for an Appeal. without those motions there will be no grounds for an Appeal. It is either 30 or 60 days not sure which.
One thing is for sure is that you are not alone.....we are all either been there or still there....wondering how on earth we can live, eat, breathe while our loved one is or getting ready to go to prison.
The unbelievable emotions are all normal!
Bereavement we experience when our loved one goes to prison or jail
Posted by tiredtiredtired - 04/21/09, 11:26 am
Bereavement we experience when our loved one goes to prison or jail is very similair to what we go thru whenone dies.
Dr. O from DS wrote this and I copied it here for us.
Between 5 and 9 percent of the population sustains the loss of a close family member each year. The vast majority of bereaved individuals (80 to 90 percent) cope with their losses without requiring professional intervention. However, bereavement can have serious and long-term adverse health effects, and you may have to consult your physician for help in managing the distress associated with bereavement. What is "normal" and what is "not normal" in the grieving process and what interventions can be used to help those experiencing dysfunctional reactions to loss.
What is NORMAL BEREAVEMENT? Death is the most powerful stressor in everyday life, and the effects may be intense and long lasting.
We use three terms to talk about the loss of a close relationship:
•Bereavement is the reaction to the loss of a close relationship.
•Grief is the emotional response caused by a loss including pain, distress, and physical and emotional suffering.
•Mourning refers to the psychological process through which the bereaved person undoes his or her bonds to the deceased.
Why am I feeling so numb right now? Immediately following death, whether or not it has been anticipated, survivors often experience feelings of numbness, shock, and disbelief. They will "go through the motions," taking care of funeral arrangements, greeting relatives and friends, and tending to financial matters. Shock and numbness, intense feelings of sadness, yearning for the deceased, anxiety for the future, disorganization, and emptiness commonly arise in the weeks after the death.
What should I expect in the first couple weeks after the death? I am often asked from survivors what it means when they see or hear their loved ones in vivid dreams in the weeks after the death. These are "searching behaviors" and include visual and auditory hallucinations of the deceased person. Despair and sadness are common as it becomes clear that the deceased will not return. Sleeplessness, appetite disturbances, agitation, chest tightness, sighing, and exhaustion are also common. The survivor often replays and remembers the relationship with the deceased, particularly the events of the terminal illness and death, and commonly ruminates over regrets and missed opportunities. Anger may occur at the person for dying, at God, and at professional caregivers.
How can your physician, friends and family care for you right after your loss? Your physician should serve to answer any immediate questions, and offer the option of viewing the body. Encourage your friends and family members who are grieving to maintain regular patterns of activity, sleep, exercise, and nutrition as much as possible, as these activities can help you adapt during bereavement.
Most grieving persons do not want or need professional help in the grieving process; instead they turn to family, friends, and religious institutions. Sleep disruption is a common symptom of grief and a short-term prescription of a sleep aide can help. Also, if you are experiencing high levels of anxiety and panic attacks, a short term prescription of an anxiety medication can be useful as a crisis measure. These medications generally should not be prescribed for long periods since their use has the potential to slow down and inhibit the grieving process.Support groups are a valuable resource for many bereaved individuals and have been shown to facilitate grief resolution. Local hospice organizations usually can identify community resources for bereavement support and Chaplains, social workers, and grief counselors are a great resource.
I think I'm fine, and then Ill burst in to tears in the grocery store: Grief comes in waves that are often brought on by reminders of the deceased. You may feel fine one moment and be overcome with sadness and grief the next moment. You are not alone if feelings of pleasure (laughing and having fun) are experienced as a betrayal of the relationship with the person who has died.
When will these feelings get better? Feelings gradually diminish in intensity for most bereaved persons, usually over months. You will slowly come to accept the reality of the loss and this means reestablishing mental and physical balance. Resolution of grief, to some degree, occurs in stages. The signs and symptoms described above and their intensity subside slowly over time for patients experiencing normal grief. Usually, these impairments are beginning to resolve by six months.
What if I'm not feeling any better, when is it not normal? Normalizing really means reorganizing your life and reinvesting in living. You may slowly become able to remember the deceased without being overwhelmed by grief; you can work productively and carry on with pleasure and enjoyment. We all know, grief will never go away entirely and anniversaries and important events will continue to evoke waves of sadness. The hope is these waves diminish over time.
Who will have the hardest time getting over the grieving process? Common sense will tell us the variables that may have an impact on how long you grieve.
1) Age of deceased: The death of an elderly person after a full life will have a different impact than the death of a child or a young adult. The death of a child is more than I can imagine and I hope those on DS who have experienced can help guide us on this. Do you ever come up for air again?
2) Pregnancy and newborns: Miscarriage or death of a newborn can precipitate prolonged grief.
3) Suicide: Bereavement due to suicide or other socially disapproved deaths (overdose, etc) may lead to more isolation and to increased vulnerability to suicide among some survivors.
When is grieving complicated or going on too long? Complicated or prolonged grief is defined as the persistence, for at least six months, of a constellation of disruptive emotional reactions including yearning and four of the following eight symptoms:
1) Difficulty moving on
2) Numbness/detachment
3) Bitterness
4) Feelings that life is empty without the deceased
5) Trouble accepting the death
6) A sense that the future holds no meaning without the deceased
7) Being on edge or agitated
8) Difficulty trusting others since the loss
Symptoms of complicated/prolonged grief at six months post-loss are highly predictive of impairment and complications at 13 and 24 months post-loss.
When should I get help for bereavement related depression? While many people with complicated/prolonged grief also meet diagnostic criteria for major depression and/or generalized anxiety disorder, only a small minority actually will need to seek further help.
Hope all this information helps. -
Reply #4 10/28/09 6:11pm
Nine Ways to Find Peace of Mind
Posted by tiredtiredtired - 03/25/09, 05:03 am
Nine Ways to Find Peace of Mind
All of us can live a fulfilling life in the middle of the turmoil.
By Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
Excerpted from http://www.beliefnet.com/story/124...
Adapted from her book, "Embracing Uncertainty."
All of us can rise above any situation that life hands us.
All of us can live a fulfilling life in the middle of the turmoil.
All of us can find a sense of peace and purpose.
1. â??Un-set" your heart. Un-setting your heart means letting go of your picture of how you want it all to be. It means letting go of trying to control things over which you have no control.
2. Create a "wondering" life instead of a "hoping" life. It helps us un-set our hearts when we replace the words "I hope" with the words "I wonder." Notice the relief in this simple shift. Even with difficult situations in our lives, substituting â??I wonderâ?? for â??I hopeâ?? keeps our hopes from being dashed and opens up the possibility of our learning and growing from whatever happens.
3. Choose the path of trust. When you fully understand that you have little control of the external world, you then have two choices: you can choose to see yourself as a "poor-me" victim at the mercy of circumstances or you can choose to develop the trust that, no matter what happens in your life or in the world, you will have the inner strength to create something good from it all.
4. Increase your inner sense of power. One way to help you develop trust in yourself is to cut off negativity in the mind by saying to yourself over and over again, "Whatever happens in my life, I'll handle it. If you say it often enough, you will ultimately believe it. And if you really believe that you can handle anything that happens in your life and in the world, what could you possibly have to fear? Nothing!
So when the "what-if's" are driving you mad, simply cut them off by saying over and over again, "Whatever happens, I'll handle it!"
5. Collect "heroes" who have learned to "handle it." Heroes to me are people who have created much good in this world as a result of horrible experiences in their lives. A few heroes come to mind: Christopher Reeve, who created so much good as a result of his paralyzing accident. As you collect your heroes, your trust grows and your worry about the future gets smaller and smaller.
6. Focus on the learning that can come from any situation in your life. Yes, you can learn and find strength from anything that happens to you.
7. Embrace the thought "It's all happening perfectly." Yes, so much good can come from so much that is bad. In that, it truly is happening perfectly.
8. Focus on the blessings. It's now time to notice. It sounds ridiculous, but we actually have to train ourselves to notice all the beauty in our lives. Focusing on the blessings is an absolute necessity for diffusing our fears about the future.
9. Get involved. Positive action has an amazing effect on our psyche. As we take action, we begin to feel more powerful and our fear about the future decreases considerably.
Most of all make friends....it helps to have friends that completely understand your feelings!
Love you all!
Rhea
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Reply #5 10/29/09 11:01am
we are all here for you.....we know somewhat what u are going through and we are hear to listen. -
Reply #6 10/29/09 4:58pm
Thank you, Rhea....I needed to be reminded.
Love, Barbara -
Reply #7 10/29/09 5:35pm
It is hard when one of our children are in prison or jail.....we feel such a loss and also like we should have done something different so they would not be there! It feels like a death though we know they are not we feel like their life is over and our happiness....this is not true! For either the child or the parent or the spouse!
Together we can improve our frame of mind and make changes in our lives to be moving forward ....not stopping in our tracks by the injustices of this systems!
We all understand the pain of it and how it CAN ROB US OF OUR WILL TO LIVE AND BE HAPPY.We have a choice fight or let this raunchy system win!
I say fight and win against this system! Much better than just letting them steamroller us all into a deep depression!
Love Rhea -
Reply #8 10/29/09 7:49pm
Amen, Rhea! -
Reply #9 10/30/09 1:11pm
I just wanted to thank everyone for their support. Although, I am still at a loss as how to express my feelings, I am aware of how comforting it is to hear from each of you. It has been especially helpful to receive supportive information so quickly after I posted my situation. Finally, because I know you all have an idea of my pain-I can trust your sincerity.
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Reply #10 11/02/09 1:23am
We all have been there sweetie! We know! Trusting is hard in the severely messed up world!
Chin up and keep coming here....it does help!
Love and prayers!
Rhea
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