Discussion Topic

Parents or partners?

Posted on 08/02/09, 09:04 pm
Hi,

It seems we have a lot of parents on here now - or "blood" family members. How many people here are in a relationship romatically with an SO? I am really struggling right now. I am jellous because it seems like if you are related by blood to the SO, you have a bit of an excuse to love him/her. It feels harder to try to remain in a romantic relationship with an SO because technically I don't have to stay. To make matters even more difficult for me, we're not married - so I can't even fall back on "I am living up to our vows." Right now I am feeling some resentment toward my SO wishing that he'd have the courage to let me go so that I don't have to live with this horrible stigma myself. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to do it. His social worker told me last week that there is basically NO chance he'll be able to meet his daughter until she's closer to 3 years old. And, at that point he'll hopefully be months from release and we'd rather not have her visit a prison at that point anyway. So, she'll probably be 3.5 AT THE EARLIEST that he'll even be able to meet her in person. And the social worker made it clear that it is highly likely he still won't be able to meet her even after he's released. I just don't know if I have it in me. What type of relationship could we possibly have?

MERK
Showing 1 - 10 of 23 Replies
  • Reply #1 08/02/09  9:38pm
    Merk,
    Is his daughter YOUR daughter? If so, do you want her to know her Daddy? (Because it seems to me that there is the blood relation your looking for.)

    BUT DON'T BE JELOUSE ABOUT ANYONE HERE. We ALL have good & bad (hey, just like our S/O's!)

    But if you need to find an EXCUSE to love him (& stay with him), then just give it up. Quit & leave him.

    Personally, I don't find my emotions THAT easy to control. Besides, if I have learned ANYTHING in this here situation of ours.....LOVE IS MORE OF A CHOICE THAN AN EMOTION. It can (sometimes) be a SELFISH choice and then other times a SELFLESS choice. All depends on the circumstances of life at that time.

    So yeah, sometimes I wanted to "move on" or give-up or whatever. But I do have those pesky marriage vows to think about (not to mention his daughter & son who just so happen to ALSO be MY daughter & son). And I don't care what ANYONE thinks or says; OUR 2 kids DESERVE to know their Daddy (the good, the bad & the ugly {at age-appropriate increments!})

    I really hope my words help & not hurt (too much). But that is life. A bowl of cherries (& sometimes all we hit ARE THE PITS!)

    Keep your chin up, though. It is PERFECTLY fine to love an S/O.
    Diana
  • Reply #2 08/02/09  10:45pm
    Merk, I am a mother however, my son did have a wife at one time and a daughter. His wife divorced him and he has been crushed. He was a good husband and father and I wish she would have remembered that. He has never hurt his daughter but she has not been allowed to see him for the two years he has been in prison. His crime is exposing himself.
    I think a person has to look at more than just the crime. What is this man you love really like? Take away the crime and examine the real him. Is he good to you? Will he take care of you when you are ill? Will he support your dreams and hopes? Do you share a mutual faith and belief system? Will he be a good dad? Does he make you laugh? These are just some of the things to think about. Examine your relationship. If you are the mother of his daughter you will never truly be separated. There will always be a link.
    Good luck to you. You have been very brave so far.
    Donna
  • Reply #3 08/03/09  1:27am
    Re-reading my other reply...PLEASE take it in the kindest light!
    I certainly didn't want to sound mean or hurt anyone.
    I'm a VERY blunt person (sometimes to a fault) & although I stll believe every word I wrote, I see that I could have said it much more diplomatically.
    Let's ALL keep our chins up!
    Diana
  • Reply #4 08/03/09  12:55pm
    Right now the legal system doesn't seem to want to acknowledge the blood relationship of his daughter (and mine). Since he has never actually met his daughter (I was pregnant when he went in), the blood relationship there is only that - a relationship based in genetics. I have three other children that are not his children (and the reason why I use words such as "his daughter" since I have other daughters that are not his) and there is a chance that my ex-husband would argue to take his children away from me if I ever allowed my SO to be in their lives. So, I am torn between my children. I will NEVER leave my own children, so I am left with the very real possibility that my only way to go is to leave my SO.

    To answer some other questions - my SO would have been a WONDERFUL father. He is very caring and thoughtful of me and the children. He is a hard worker who wants to give the world to me and the children. I say would have been because he will never be able to be a father in the full sense. He will not be allowed to attend school functions, he will likely not even be allowed in our home since I have the other kids and we live near a park. He would have taken care of me forever - when I was sick, if I lost a limb, you name it. He has a disability and definitely doesn't take those things into account when thinking about caring about others. We definitely share a mutual faith and belief system - it is one thing that brought us closer in the first place.

    I get the point on the "needing an excuse to love him." I never said I wouldn't love him. There is just a very, VERY real chance that there IS no future for us. What I was saying was that I will not lose my children over a man - any man. I could even lose my job over staying with the man. I CANNOT lose my job or else I won't be able to support my children.

    Again, I can see how my wording saying "his daughter" would be hard to understand without understanding that I have three other children with another man. I was never saying that his daughter was not my daughter or that she is our daughter. But, I also have three children that are not his children (even though he thinks of them as his children) or our children.

    I can't get "the system" to give me a clear answer as to what they expect to do with him once he's out. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to sit around and wait since every message I did get was turned into something much, much worse. When he was first arrested, the detectives said he'd likely have probation, he was allowed supervised contact with minor girls and any contact with minor boys and he couldn't use a computer. Doctors and lawyers all said max a year. Eight months after his arrest, he ended up getting 4 years in with 15 years extended supervision where they can tell him to do whatever they want to tell him to do. When he first got in the current prison, he was told that he would have to submit a form for his daughter to visit but that it was around 60% chance he'd be allowed to have her visit. They now tell us that the prison policy is that NO SO is allowed to see their child until after they've finished treatment (which they won't let him start for another two years and it lasts a year). Why then didn't they tell that to us in the first place? So, now this Social Worker is saying that they will think about whether or not he can even see her after he completes treatment. Implying that there is a very real chance that he won't be able to see her even after completing treatment. So, what am I holding out for? What kind of relationship will we really ever be able to have since the kids will possibly not be allowed around him for another 17 years (or when they're 18). You may ask - what did he do that was so, so horrible? That is in my journals but I am still not comfortable sharing here. It was not "violent" in terms of violence, but it was abusive in legal terms and classified as "violent".
  • Reply #5 08/03/09  1:00pm
    Oh, and I wasn't saying that I needed an excuse to love him but that "society" possibly has less understanding when a non-blood relative stays with an SO in a potentially romantic relationship. And, I say potentially becuase we won't be able to do anything romantic for many years.
  • Reply #6 08/03/09  5:51pm
    ...another sad story...I am so very sorry for your family....Eddie has not met his youngest daughter as his wife was pregnant when he was arrested..one of his sons was less than one year old and will not remember his daddy....He should have had a "goodbye" visit with his 5 year old son, we were told....that has NOT happened...He can't see them until they are 18 years old....where does this all end? Families just don't stand a chance of surviving....take care of YOU! Your children need you....more than ever....Love, Barbara
  • Reply #7 08/03/09  6:08pm
    Merk, as you know Iam an SO, and I had a GF who stayed with me through everything, even visited me at Rikers Island. She has two children from previous marriages, a son, and a daughter. She only has full custody of her daughter. Of course once everything happened with me, her parents called her Ex and of course I was no longer aloud in the presence of her son, I respected his wishes. Her parents tried scarring her into leaving me making her sign letters that if I had any contact with her, or her daughter, the grandparents would call CPS and have her removed. This is all before I was even convicted, so I was aloud to be with them. Any way she defied them and stayed with me through everything. Once I was released from myfour month sentence, probation gave me my terms, I was to have no contact with anyone under the age of 18, Needless to say we were only together for 5 months after my release. She never stopped loveing me, but she admitted it was to much to deal with, always worryng about her parents, or probation knocking on the door scareing Ashley, or maybe she has a friend over when they come by then it gets back to the parents, who then take it out on Michelle, and Ashley for being with me. Basically as my screen name says, she could not handle Society, She was afraid because they dont know me, they just here the words Sex Offender. She just didnt know how to handle all that and finally had to leave. We still talk and I have helped her financially so much that if it was not for me she would not have a house to live in, Heat, and oil for that house food on the table. Her own family wont help her, yet they dont know that if it was not for the Sex Offender, there grand daughter would be on the streets, Yet Im the bad guy. I have told her I dont ever want to be with anyone else, and will wait until Ashley is 18 to be with her. She is my life, but I also understand how hard it is for her to be with me. I had wished she was strong enough to be with me forever, but she was not. I hope you and your daughter are strong enough for your BF, and her Dad, your support, and love will carry him through this, He will be devestated if you leave him, as I still am from my Ex. I hope you follow your heart.

    Steven
  • Reply #8 08/03/09  8:35pm
    Ugh! This whole thing is just so wrong...a "goodbye visit" with a 5 year old son? What type of impact will that have on the son? 4 months of jail resulting in a lifetime of hurt? Still, doesn't make any sense. I have really been up and down emotionally these past few days. It is so hard. Steven, maybe one day you and my guy could talk/meet - although not over the internet...he's not allowed on EVER for the rest of his life (I think that is crazy since in 20 years probably everything will be over the internet).
  • Reply #9 08/04/09  8:02am
    Merk08 a lot obout all this is not fair, I have no problem being punished for what I did, because when I think about it now I think what if that was my Niece on the computer or my Exs daughter on the computer with a guy how would you feel, and it would hurt me, But I am not a sex offender, I did not deserve to go to jail, and I dont desreve to live with this label, because of it I lost my ex, and that has been the hardest part for me to handle. When she was with me I was invincible, without her Im nothing. I hope you and and your family can survive this. I would love to talk to your husbamd and give him any advice I could to hopefully help him through this. Its a huge transistion from jail back into society, due to the fact that once we are released, there are so many restrictions that are didiculous that its impossible to try and live. If I can help anyone in anyway please reach out to me, I would and am here for anyone who needs help with all this as well, remember im living on the other side of the fence than all of you, in a sense you are all victims, as to where Iam the offender, maybe I can help some of you with your questions, and If i could do that it would make me feel good. So would definiltly love to talk to your husband even if its through letters if he cant use the internet.
  • Reply #10 08/09/09  11:31pm
    I am wondering if the states have different rules - of course nonconsistency is the word here - I no longer have faith in the so-called justice system. Virginia has really harsh rules, however, our biological 5 year old can see her daddy. Our two internationally adopted children really don't care (considering the daughter who was the victim - he can never see her again). We are OK with that and want to follow the rules. I am concerned about when he gets out - there will be supervised visits with two of our kids (adopted son and bio daughter which is fine because that's essentially what it was when he was out on bail). It just has to be a list of approved people. The restrictions over all are my utmost concern - but I will take it day by day, be an advocate for all SO civil rights, and pray that we can make a difference. My husband as I have mentioned in other posts is on the second leg of his duty (as I choose to say). He has been medically evaluated, but nothing really on the mental front. He has been told he'd be either a level 1 or 2. So, as you can see here - this really means that he's not a monster - just a nice guy who made a dumb mistake. Steven (Society wins) what do you think about his intake experience from what I've said?

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