Discussion Topic

Estranged Adult Daughter...

Posted on 06/13/11, 08:10 am
I was a single parent. We have never had cross words or anything remotely close to anger. She never saw me take a sip of alcohol, no drugs and never utter a cuss word. She graduated college with honors--she is intelligent, articulate, always solves her own issues, she is a social butterfly, no drug or alcohol problems, presents herself well, etc...

What would cause such an abrupt change towards her mother. She has always spoken highly of me and to me. She used to write me text messages and emails thanking me for all my time and effort to raise her right. All her greating cards through the years were hand written.

What is going no here has anyone been through this what advice can you all offer?

She is with a guy that I would never have thought she would choice as a partner. He embarrasses her in every social setting, weddings, gym, dining-out, etc. He loudly says things he thinks would be funny and everyone else finds offensive and vulgar. He was taken aside by a doctor at a wedding they attended (his friends) and told that his remarks were distasteful in front of everyone's families. He walked back over to the crowd and said it again. This time a doctor and a lawyer took him by the shoulder and walked away with him. My daughter wanted to hid under a rock. He does the same thing at gyms and dining-out and he has been told to leave.

My daughter got pregnant by this guy right after they met. She moved back home while she was pregnant and within a couple of weeks he moved in my house also. (They were relocating from a city 400 miles away). I find out a girl from a strip club is also pregnant with his baby.

My daughter had her baby and three days later told me that my cat was coming into their room getting in the closet and her boyfriend got him out. I didn't think much about it till the next day when I went looking for my cat - he was in the bathtub bleeding from the bottom and the mouth... I had to have him put to sleep. Since my daughter had just had a baby I didn't want to mention that I suspected/knew her boyfriend had killed my cat. She knew he had to be put to sleep but that was all.

asked her what she sees in this guy cause I didnt see anything about him that I liked or heard about. She told me when he was in high school he did something bad and got sent to military school. He doesn't fit the kind of people she associates with at all. He is socially inept - I see him as disgusting! He has nothing to offer my grandchild who will probably be a disaster by the time he is in junior high - if this guy is still around!

They moved to a house close by with the baby. She went back to work and put the baby in day care. His job relocated him 150 miles away but he comes home every weekend. She found out he cheated and decided she was leaving when their lease is up.

Not for sure why this happened but I'm not allowed to see my grandson - I texted her and said I think you are being brainwashed and he is controlling you. She texted back for me to stay out of her life and leave her alone. She changed over to his phone company and they got new numbers.

She is telling the family she had a bad childhood and wants nothing to do with me. Everyone was shocked and surprized at this because its the first any of us had heard her say anything bad about me in 30-years!

It has been 5-months now and Im having a hard time with this. She speaks to everyone in the family except me. I feel like they think I did something but I don't know what it is. I'm seeing a therapist to get through the fact I have lost my family and they may never be back. I hear she is pregnant again by this guy.

From an article: "Some parents have done such a good job of raising their children that they did too much and these adult children have now become narcissists who care only about themselves and who have become cruel and heartless towards the very people that got them where they are today. They have turned into "people we don't know" or "people we love, but don't like anymore." In fact, many estranged parents feel like their adult children are complete strangers when they used to be very close to them and their "best friend."

It feels like your child has died. But you know they are alive and just not available to you anymore.

Showing 9 Replies
  • Reply #1 06/13/11  10:44am
    PreppieOne - First, may I say "good to have you as a part of our growing group." Your story is a sad one indeed and yet it is far too common these days.

    Secondly, estrangement without a doubt, does feel like a death in the family has occurred because in a sense it has. The relationship can never be restored to it's previous state no matter how much one tries to work at it. That memory of what occurred will forever be etch in all parties minds forever. It can be forgiven but cannot be forgotten entirely even in the best circumstances of resolution.

    It is certainly true also that the pain of knowing that they are alive, living, breath, loving, marrying, having children, laughing and otherwise enjoying life, is hard to endure when they no longer allow you to be a part of that aspect of their lives that other families enjoy. This over mostly insignificant reasons when asked - "why?"

    I would also agree that my son does feel like a complete stranger to me at this point in time. I think I would have a very difficult time having an ordinary conversation with him also. Once you get past the everyday mundane topics there is nothing left to discuss that you feel free to bring up because you never know the reaction that you will get if you do. What use to be free back and forth, give and take, communication does not exist anymore nor will it ever be as far as I am concerned.
  • Reply #2 06/13/11  10:51am
    Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement... bless you.

    I must have been living under a rock because I did not know others were going through this... I thought mine was an isolated incident.

    May our good Lord and Savior be with us all as we journey down this well beaten path. I do hold dear to my heart the the enemy never gets the last laugh!







  • Reply #3 06/14/11  12:53am
    I am a new member also and this site is truly a blessing already. Just to read how someone else understands our feelings and what we are going thru. I can read GuelsMom's comments to PreppieOne over and over. They are full of compassion, understanding and encouragement. I pray I can be a blessing to others as well. And a CHRISTIAN site! Thank you, Lord! And help us to "wait upon you" and know You are with us as we walk our journey.
  • Reply #4 06/14/11  5:59am
    IronCowgirl.....What a sweet thing to say. I am sure you are going to be a blessing to others here. We are all hurting here and God has brought some very special people here (like you) to help comfort us during these hard times. God Bless!
  • Reply #5 06/14/11  7:03pm
    PreppieOne,
    I am so sad that you are going through such pain! I know this pain very well. I have been through 6 years of it with my 21 year old daughter. WE are not completely estranged but have been off and on for about 4 years. I can tell you it is a death but like our hope in Jesus, I have hope in restoration. I was so distraught that I thought about suicide and I didn't know if I could go on. My daughter was my God. She was my whole life, joy, happiness, and self-esteem in her. God has taught me to give complete control over her life to Him. It was not easy but I have so much peace and joy and freedom because my relationship and trust is in God. He is the only one who can change her heart. I trust Him to do it. I'm going to see her in another state this weekend. First, I am going to see some very close friends and then will see her. I have alternate plans in case she decides she is "too sick" or can't come see me. My life is no longer wrapped up in what she is doing or not doing but wrapped up in what God wants me to do. I am busy with the business of God and let me say it feels so great! God will see you through! God will give you strength! God loves you! Greater is He who is IN YOU, that he who is in this world! Take care!
  • Reply #6 06/14/11  7:29pm
    Life ~~~~~ I hope and pray that all goes well with you this weekend. I'm glad you have alternate plans also. Do your friends also know of your situation? It will be helpful if they do so that you can talk her reaction over with people who love you and care for you. I think you have a good attitude about who you are and who is the focus of your life going into this. I hope many blessings come your way this weekend.

    GuelsMom
  • Reply #7 06/14/11  9:03pm
    Thank yous so much for taking time to read my story. My best friend told me yesterday to turn it over to God and quit taking it back - she said, "Its not yours anymore - you gave it to Him - let God handle it!" Remember the movie Shenandoah and the father (James Stewart) goes to church every Sunday with his family and sings praises to the Lord - loud and off key. Then, his youngest son goes off to fight in the Civil War and as time passes with no word of his young sons fate - the father still attends church every Sunday sings praises to the Lord... Then, one Sunday while the father is at church singing praises to the Lord - His son opens the door of the sanctuary - he's all battered, crippled with a crutch and broken down. His fathers praises get even louder and more off key... That is exactly where my heart is going to be when my daughter comes through the door -- I will be singing praises to the Lord!
  • Reply #8 06/15/11  1:43am
    Oh Preppie, I cry a lot when I am on this site even when things seem to be going well for me generally. I cried reading your post. You are among so many moms (and some dads) who ends up estranged from their adult child as a result of the life partner/mate/spouse that they choose. They do change when they are adults and become independent but so many of them in their warped way seem to think they have to cut their parents out. I do believe when there is a significant other who THEY KNOW is really less than what their parent wanted for them they isolate because they don't want the judgement. The hardest part is the separation from the grandchildren and the lies they spread. If the lies become so ingrained in the way they think, they have a hard time then admitting they were making us stories. I cried every day for 9.5 months until I got to see my two GS last week. I still get a tad teary thinking this reconciliation may not "stick" and all of them could be gone again in the blink of an eye. They have no idea what they do to our hearts. IMHO you might just want to send your daughter one last note telling her that you will love her and her family ( even if that hurts to write) no matter what and that you will always be there for her if she ever decides she would like to see you or needs you. Let her know you will respect her wishes to stay away but that you will keep praying for her and her family.Sign it "Love, Mom."
    Good luck to you. Keep writing and reading here and get books on estrangement and grieving. We are definately grieving and we have all the emotions that goes with that. Prayers that you daughter comes around.
    Rec Book: When Parents Hurt by Dr Joshua Coleman. He was estranged from his daughter for 3 years so has personal experience with this. Dr. Jane Toler has groups in different areas of the country: HER (healing estranged relationships) so do some online searches you might find a group in your area.
  • Reply #9 06/16/11  6:46pm
    GuelsMom Thanks! I'm off tomorrow! Excited to see everyone and hopeful! God bless!

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Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving...." (2 Tim 3:2) "O God and Heavenly Father, Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept