Adult Sibling RivalryPosted on 04/02/12, 06:03 pm
Reply #1 04/02/12 6:44pm
Hi to everyone!!! I am hoping to hear from people who can relate to adult sibling rivalry or adult sibling abuse. It's been so heart-wrenching for me. I would appreciate anybody's input on this topic. It's very difficult for me to let go and especially letting go completely, because I am the type of person that never gives up, especially on my family. I just never ever dreamed that this would happen between my brother and myself. Especially now that we both are older and have lost our parents thinking this would bring us closer. I feel I tried ALL my life to get my brother to love me. Ever since I can remember, we have had a Love/Hate relationship. I always went out of my way, actually the only one, to plan Holidays and celebrate special family events. Now, looking back, I feel I just made a fool out of myself. That my older brother was just hating being there, but dealing with it to please other family members. And now that those family members are no longer living and he doesn't need to impress them, he cut off all ties from me and my daughter, (his only niece). It certainly looks like he only was civil to me for getting approval from the family for inheritance reasons. He has shunned me from other family members saying I'm the one who does not keep in touch with him. He "railroaded" me out of all my Mom's assets when she passed, as he was the eldest and had rights for the next of kin. I have not talked to him since my Mom's funeral service, which was in 2009. His last words to me were, "You think you're so special", well you aren't and the world does not revolve around you." I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say and I just looked at him and said "God Bless You, Mike." I blamed myself for years and just beat myself up until I just couldn't handle the emotional pain and got professional help. I have written letters to him, but just end up ripping them up and deciding that "what's the sense"? So, I finally got up enough nerve to call him one evening and it took me days to get up enough nerve to even dial his number. I wasn't sure how he would react... Anyways, I called and got a recording "The number you have called is no longer available, it has been changed to a non-published number". I don't know which is worse, if I had gotten in touch with him on the phone and he hung up or told me not to call him ever, or changing his number. There's no way to even find out what his number is. At one time his wife and I were close and would talk almost more than I would to my brother. But, she also dissed me right after my Mom's funeral. Of course, now looking back, why wouldn't she? She also inherited ALL Mom's assets just for being his wife. It's just so heart-wrenching and mind-boggling to me. It's almost like it was pre-meditated by my brother and my sister-in-law. I just could never even think like that or even think of hurting my brother like he has done to me. I am getting therapy and it's just so hard to hear that when my therapist told me that I may never resolve or reconcile with my brother. Because this is just the way he wants to live. And you cannot MAKE him love you. And I just don't even dare to ask my therapist the one question that I am so petrified to hear the answer to is" Did my Brother EVER love me"? I know someday I will have to face and then accept the answer. I'm just not ready. Whatever happened to unconditional love? That's the love I always had for my brother. I may not have liked his behavior, but I always loved him anyways. Always forgiving him..... And the worst part is, I still do love him and forgive him. But, I'm just not sure if I will EVER be able to trust him or open my heart up to him without putting up a protective wall so my heart doesn't get hurt by him again. Sorry this is soooo long of a post.... Thanks for letting me share. Please, if anyone can relate to this, please share it.
Reply #2 04/03/12 11:51pm
I have been rejected by my sister. It has been very hard but I can't do anything about it. I have had to change my phone number because she sends me nasty texts. She doesn't want a relationship with me and my youngest son. She likes my oldest son because he was born on her birthday. I am lucky that I live
2 hours away from her. I do miss having a sister. It is very lonely. I try to keep really busy.
I am taking a Yoga class. It helps me relax.I really don't think my sister loved me . She just put up with me.
I know how ;you feel about your brother railroading you out of all your inheritance. Sounds just like my sister.
I think sometimes we can love someone without them loving us back.
Reply #3 04/10/12 6:34pm
Thanks for your reply Donna. I sure can relate to your post about how you think your sister doesn't and didn't love you. That she just "put up" with you. And that really hurts, because then you have to ask yourself why did he/she put up with me, why did they bother? And that's when I get whirling! Because I feel that my brother only put up with me only to get something out of it. Like being accepted by the other members of my family. So he portrayed himself as a loyal brother and uncle to my daughter. Betrayal and alienation/abandonment is heart breaking and to think your whole life he never really loved me and may never. I'm glad to hear you are taking Yoga, my therapist suggested it to me. And thank you again. And remember that you cannot make anyone love you or accept you. And you have done nothing wrong. One day they will realize what a special person you are. And it may be too late, because how can you trust that they won't hurt you again? Hang in there. I'm with you.
Reply #4 05/21/12 8:40pm
I spent three years rolled up in a little ball every night crying myself to sleep. The reason----all the horribly mean things my older sister said to me and about me. She even got her husband to join in the criticism and ridicule.
It was very hard to accept that my own sister did not like me; let alone love me. She died of cancer recently; and i stayed with her until the end-----even though she gave signs that she did not want me there. I still loved her, even though it was not reciprocal. She even started yelling at one point: for me to GET OUT and that she hated me.
He husband told me is was the drugs she was on----and to quit "crying like a baby" and get back in there and care for her. The abuse I took from my sister seems unbelievable to me. It started when I was small----and continued through my life----so I thought is was normal and/or that I deserved it. How sad.
Reply #5 05/22/12 10:19am
Thanks for sharing simplysally. So sad and so sorry to hear your sister passed. I admire your strength to even take the abuse even when your sister was so il and dying. I can so relate to how the love was never returned to you. And how her husband told you to "quit crying"! I was told that also so many times, when my brother acted out. I also thought the abuse was "normal" and I deserved to be treated as such. I have been seeing a therapist for all the years of my abuse from my brother and other family members he had shunned or turned against me. A whole lifetime of abuse and how he manipulated the family right up to the end at our Mother's funeral. It's so hard to believe and I can so understand how you feel. I told my therapist, I'm not only grieving for my dead Mother, but I'm grieving for my brother's love for me. She told me he may never come around. It's the acceptance of that statement I have to work through. It's over and many never be the relationship I want it to be or should be. You cannot MAKE anyone love you. And It's hard to walk away from that. I've cared for him and supported him ALL my life and I'm the youngest sibling. I haven't talked to him in almost 3 years now. And it's hard around the holidays. So, hang in there Sally and I really recomment therapy. Give it a shot--it can't hurt anymore than you're hurting now. My heart goes out to you. I'm usually always checking my email if you ever need to talk.. Good Luck and stay strong.
Reply #6 05/22/12 12:04pm
Gia: I work on acceptance of what is every day. And, I try to tell myself that it is not about me, and I am not a bad person. The only thing I can change is myself; so I do "my" best; and try not to meet others standards that are set for me. Best wishes. This is very painful stuff and hard to get/live through.
Reply #7 05/23/12 1:10pm
Acceptance is very difficult to work through. It takes courage and strength. And that's something you've "earned" as a result of years of abuse. It hurts DEEPLY and I heard a few sayings a while ago, which you may appreciate. "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger". And "Life" is getting kicked and knocked down, but "Living" is getting back up after being kicked. You are wise in saying the only thing you can change is yourself--this is so true! You're stronger than you think you are, Sally!!! It's time to live for YOU! Not to be a "people pleaser". And again, my heart goes out to you. I'm with you girl!!! You are NOT alone!!! Keep on keeping on. Good to hear from you! It helps me too. Thanks for replying and am looking forward to hearing from you. Best wishes to you also. Gia
Reply #8 05/24/12 4:07pm
Thanks for the sayings. I really like "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." I repeat it daily. Another one I like "It is, what it is." I keep thinking of all I have been through. I have learned a lot and feel it has helped
me to be able to help others. I feel it is getting easier. I hope all is well with you.
Reply #9 05/25/12 2:48pm
Oh yeah, I like your saying "It is What it is"!!!!! Good one!! And very true. I think it's great that you are able to help others due to what we've been through. Sometimes we don't understand why bad things happen to us, but there is always a reason. And the reason just might be to enable us to help others through what we have been through. Thanks for sharing!! I appreciate your post! Hope all's well with you also. Gia
Reply #10 05/26/12 12:21pm
Have a great weekend!
This group was created to talk about family situations where estrangement was chosen or others have chosen to estrange you. Many families are now estranged with individual members, not excluding; Sister-in-Laws, Brother-in-Laws, Parents, siblings, Uncles, Aunts, the other family and so on. Sharing the reasons for estrangement in order to help those who are new in estrangement, are hurting or are ok with the estrangement. Let's always keep respect for each other in the highest prior