I am going to make this short, you can't love someone that you don't have, and you if you have nothing, you don't have as much to lose. You can read through all my posts, tells my story, 27 years married and I am divorced and happy now. I went through all of it, except the OW, I had a hard time letting go, loved him unconditonally... my words always that was a wakeup call for me, "You do not want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you." That is the bottom line. If counseling is not working for you, and I believe we all need it, maybe switch therapists. Work on you, believe me, he is not thinking that much about you.
My ex moved in and out, we went to all kinds of therapy, we reconciled, and then we divorced. I told him and I meant it, I am still young enough and fun enough at 53 to build a new life, alone or maybe with someone else, and I have had enough, I am not going to keep doing this and I sure the heck am not doing it at 62.. so I am giving you what you always claimed you wanted to make you happy, a divorce. I never waneted to divorce, I told him this was it, no more limbo.. I loved him. BUT more important, I love myself more. You are not going to forget him as you claim you want to do in your post if you do not start focusing on yourself and what you want. The money side, it is what it is... you can get him out of your life if you want to, until you want to, you are not going to. We had the assets, I got a great attorney, a great therapist and I got what I needed and wanted out of the divorce. A good attorney will help you get what you want.. you have to decide what you want. HE is cheating on you, he set a pattern and the pattern is he walks all over you and you let him. I am not being harsh, don't mourn something you do not have any longer. Work on getting the emotion out of it, concentrate on what I tell everyone is the business side, the side where you move on and get what you need to build a new life.. I never ever thought I would be able to say I am better off and happy.. but I am, and I am grateful we did divorce. Not being harsh, just been there and done it. Do not live in limbo. Either keep doing what you are doing, or change it! A BIG Hug to you..
Discussion Topic
I'm not alone in this painful experience
Posted on 11/10/09, 01:47 pm
I'm so thankful I've finally found this group. I posted something on B&D and someone recommended it.
I've read thru some of the discussions and the questions and the answers are almost all as if they were meant for me.
I was married for 28 years and have 4 children, oldest 29, youngest 19. We separated 3 years ago. He told me he cares for me and loves me, but is not in love with me (the usual, blah,blah,blah). Started coming home later and later, not including me or asking me on outings with friends, we tried counseling two times and he did not want to go anymore saying it wasn't working. After months of been lonely at our home with a husband that came back during the early morning, I left the house and moved into an apartment.
During this 3 years, I had hope... he would come to my place and we would make love and sometimes he even told me he still has feelings for me and that's why he comes to me. But he never asked me for a "date", always at his convenience in the middle of the night.
Until I found out about the others, and when I confronted him, he said it was only "real" with me. Well...heartbroken as I was, this continued. Every time he broke up with one of the others, he would return to me, as usual, in the middle of the night, no coffee, no lunch, no dinner, much less a romantic weekend.
Until again, fool that I am, he took the one he broke up with on a romantic weekend in NY. The last straw was last weekend when he brought her to what was my home, where my children were born and raised, where once was our happy home. I begged him not to do it, to respect my feelings until we are divorced. He didn't think it was a big deal, since we have been separated for 3 years and I don't live there anymore.
The worst of all is that we work together, we own several businesses and properties together. I finally sought advice from a lawyer and although I'm entitled to half of everything as the economy is right now, we can't sell anything for me to get what is mine and get him out of my life.
I see him every day, we barely talk now, he leaves his emails open in his office and I can't help myself but read them, (I know, I know, how despicable, I'm only hurting myself)
I feel lonely, jealous, abandoned, discarded, ignored, uncared, unworthy. After so many years of marriage... i was hoping that in these last 3 years I would learn to forget him, to stop been so dependent on his love or affection that is given to me like crumbs.
In my head I know what to do, but in my heart, I love him and is so difficult to let him go.
I'm 50 years old, I'm still very attractive, I could have a wonderful life as a single woman, but my heart and my thoughts drive me to despair. I blame him for my sadness, I blame him for my suffering and yet I know is me treating myself so badly by letting him use me when he "misses me".
I'm doing counseling, (6 months now) but I honestly don't see any improvement. I try to keep busy, but those awful nights alone at home with none to share a conversation, or a beautiful moon, a warm dinner, a cuddle on the sofa...Is so difficult, because I miss him so much.
If you read all this, I thank you for your patience and for your understanding
Peace, Marcela
I've read thru some of the discussions and the questions and the answers are almost all as if they were meant for me.
I was married for 28 years and have 4 children, oldest 29, youngest 19. We separated 3 years ago. He told me he cares for me and loves me, but is not in love with me (the usual, blah,blah,blah). Started coming home later and later, not including me or asking me on outings with friends, we tried counseling two times and he did not want to go anymore saying it wasn't working. After months of been lonely at our home with a husband that came back during the early morning, I left the house and moved into an apartment.
During this 3 years, I had hope... he would come to my place and we would make love and sometimes he even told me he still has feelings for me and that's why he comes to me. But he never asked me for a "date", always at his convenience in the middle of the night.
Until I found out about the others, and when I confronted him, he said it was only "real" with me. Well...heartbroken as I was, this continued. Every time he broke up with one of the others, he would return to me, as usual, in the middle of the night, no coffee, no lunch, no dinner, much less a romantic weekend.
Until again, fool that I am, he took the one he broke up with on a romantic weekend in NY. The last straw was last weekend when he brought her to what was my home, where my children were born and raised, where once was our happy home. I begged him not to do it, to respect my feelings until we are divorced. He didn't think it was a big deal, since we have been separated for 3 years and I don't live there anymore.
The worst of all is that we work together, we own several businesses and properties together. I finally sought advice from a lawyer and although I'm entitled to half of everything as the economy is right now, we can't sell anything for me to get what is mine and get him out of my life.
I see him every day, we barely talk now, he leaves his emails open in his office and I can't help myself but read them, (I know, I know, how despicable, I'm only hurting myself)
I feel lonely, jealous, abandoned, discarded, ignored, uncared, unworthy. After so many years of marriage... i was hoping that in these last 3 years I would learn to forget him, to stop been so dependent on his love or affection that is given to me like crumbs.
In my head I know what to do, but in my heart, I love him and is so difficult to let him go.
I'm 50 years old, I'm still very attractive, I could have a wonderful life as a single woman, but my heart and my thoughts drive me to despair. I blame him for my sadness, I blame him for my suffering and yet I know is me treating myself so badly by letting him use me when he "misses me".
I'm doing counseling, (6 months now) but I honestly don't see any improvement. I try to keep busy, but those awful nights alone at home with none to share a conversation, or a beautiful moon, a warm dinner, a cuddle on the sofa...Is so difficult, because I miss him so much.
If you read all this, I thank you for your patience and for your understanding
Peace, Marcela
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Reply #1 11/10/09 2:57pm
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Reply #2 11/10/09 3:34pm
Everything offered by MsTerey is right on the nose, dear. And I will be blunt --
Your husband is using you for sex. Period. He is also endangering your heatlh because of all thses other women he has been sleeping with. And you are PROSTITUTING YOURSELF by letting him treat you in this way. Where is your self-respect?
You say you are still attractive at age 50. Great! If you truly want a better life for yourself and a chance to find a relationship that is fulfilling for you -- WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
You say that "we own businesses together and with this economy we can't sell anything." Money isn't everything and I'm sure there are ways for your husband to buy out your interests. If you truly want OUT you will find a way!
You have been sitting on the fence for THREE YEARS -- I can't believe that anyone with half a brain would put themselves through this version of Hell for such a long period of time.
If counseling isn't working for you, you need to find another counselor! There are good ones and bad ones and when you find the one that you truly click with, it will make all the difference in the world.
Your choice is very clear from where I sit: either stay where you are, doing what you have been doing and being miserable or TAKE A STAND! Better to face your fear of the unknown than to remain in this intolerable situation and be miserable.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
The biggest fear is of fear itself! -
Reply #3 11/10/09 4:35pm
Thank you both. You are right. I feel I have hypnotized myself to believe I can't make it without him.
I am miserable.
Thank you for your advice, I need a kick in the butt -
Reply #4 11/10/09 4:48pm
I was married for 33 years to what turned out to be a serial cheater. He thought I wouldn't leave him. I stood to lose a lot. My way of life, my home and everything we both had worked for all those years. Apparently I had worked harder for our life than he did.
When I found he had married one of his girlfriends that was the straw for me. I wanted out of our marriage and was willing to walk with nothing. Thanks to my atty. that didn't happen. I still live on the farm I started. At least for now.
When you are finally there. Finally ready to leave in spite of everything you will and it won't matter what you walk away with. When you are ready get your ducks in a row and fight for what you are entitled to. So you keep a business and he takes one. There are ways to split those assets up without selling them.
I don't work any harder than I did before but now I work only for me. That makes a big difference. If you are lonely and sad you are not doing enough to occupy your mind and body. Get involved with something you always wanted to do. Don't sit home and wait for him to make a booty call in the middle of the night.
In the end you will get your divorce. It will happen when you are ready. Your decision in your own time frame. Just don't lose yourself completely while you are waiting to decide. Don't let him make that decision for you. -
Reply #5 11/10/09 6:58pm
I'm so sorry that you have to be here, but you have come to the right place. You will find much support here from this group. From people who know the pain you are feeling right now - an dknow the steps that need to be taken to heal.
I was also married 28 years (with 2 children 27 and 28) to a man who had multiple affairs. I know I lost so much self-respect in tolerating so much over the years - but I know I am better off now - even through all the pain. I am finding that I respect myself now and like myself more that I ever did in all 28 years of my marriage.
It has only been 10 weeks for me since I discovered the latest affair and decided without a doubt that I would file for divorce - and I did.
That being said, I know in my head that it is over and can even accept this fact gracefully – I know it is the best thing for me. I know I can learn to move forward and be strong someday and have a good future.
But how does my heart learn to let go?? I still feel so wounded – so angry over what he has done – the pain is so deep. But my heart still lingers for him at times. I have him out of my life but not out of my heart. Maybe my heart needs to let go gradually. Untwine the love piece by piece instead of just severing the already torn parts. Perhaps I need to heal some of the broken pieces before I can detach him from the rest of my heart.
I am trying to just give this to God – and let him heal me where I need to heal and let him show me how to let go deep down inside.
I am also seeing a therapist - I hit the jackpot with her - she is so helpful - So perhaps if counseling isn't helping you right now, you can find another therapist - there are good ones out there who will help YOU and not focus on trying to save something that shouldn't be.
I wish you strenght to make the right decisions for you and move forward in peace. It is not an easy road - but it is one we must travel in order to reach what is best for us.
Big hugs to you!
Karen
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Reply #6 11/10/09 7:41pm
Learning to reject the fantasy of the idealized spouse is a feat in itself. ...start. Your spouse's behavior of cheating is ingrained and he's hard wired to his core. No healthy loving person acquires behaviors of "get the booty call and then make the wife cry". The saying goes, " if he shows you who he is, believe it!" He is now and forever a cheater. He's communicated that he is not going to stop and makes no action otherwise.
Time to dig into your convictions. Listen to your gut...it says that you don't tolerate being his seconds. And to hell with not being "number one" on the value list. Dig in your heeds insisting the belief that you should be regarded as the "end of all lover" to the person who's proven worthiness.
Think control issues for yourself. Act on your boundaries. ...you have them, use them, enforce them. Take the initiative to NO TALK...means you control communications. Take the initiative to REJECT HIM...means you control who you want in your life. Take the initiative to TURN your back and WALK AWAY.....No matter how much it hurts.
And get your lawyer to protect your money. CHEATERS are liers and LIERS are cheaters....it goes hand to hand for sure. -
Reply #7 11/10/09 7:45pm
I was married 27 yrs...2 kids, ages 16 and 18. Divorced this summer. Something that keeps coming to my mind when I read your post is this...What is my definition of "attractive". If I am to think of dating again, what am I attracted to? For me it is humor, and intelligence, and self confidence. I truly believe that there are many men out there who want the same traits in a woman, and for those looking at only the physical beauty of a woman...well, those men are not for me. There is nothing wrong with how I look. It's just that I want to be seen for more. I want to BE more. I want more than sex in the middle of the night. I want morning coffee, and laughter, and conversation, and fun!...and I want to be a whole person, with just as much to contribute to a relationship as I take away. ...And if I don't find that relationship, I know I can be ok...even happy. This isn't about what HE wants anymore. This is about YOU. What do YOU want? What is attractive to YOU? A lot to think about. I wish you courage, and I wish you peace with your decision. -
Reply #8 11/10/09 9:47pm
PS: Try this quote-
Another chance only means.... 'will you please allow me to abuse you some more?' -
Reply #9 11/10/09 9:57pm
There is a lot of good advice and wisdom to be found here. When I first found the site and read through the stories it was truly an eye-opener. So many different stories and yet so many similarities. I finally realized that I was not alone. It's been 5 1/2 months since my husband walked out, and as difficult as it has been, I have more and more days that are filled with true joy and happiness. "No contact" makes a huge difference. It sounds like that will be very difficult for your situation - but really, you can choose happiness. -
Reply #10 11/11/09 9:04am
Thank you so much to all of you for your advice. Of course many of the things you all said are not new revelations to me. But you all know that after a lifetime spent with someone, after building a life together, experiences, affection, love, children, memories, happy and sad; is so difficult to cut that umbilical cord.
I realize that many of you see me as perhaps weak and with absolute lack of respect for myself, prostituting myself as cowgirl put it, for allowing my husband to keep coming in the middle of the night, throwing me a crumb, a leftover. I don't believe I'm the only one that may have done this.
He also, has a hard time cutting that bond that still somehow entwine us. I know is up to me to severe this cord. Until now, I hoped that he would turn around and wake up from a "phase" (middle age crisis, perhaps? menoporsche as my friend calls it, lol!).
But you are right, enough is enough!! Two days ago I texted to him after in response to a voicemail he left me about wanting to see me and come over. I answered him "are u kidding?!!! you can have phone sex with your girl from now on. I'm done with your game"
Well, believe it or not that was the first time I rejected him. Since then he has texted me twice, even telling me he was thinking of me and bought me a bottle of wine at a tasting he went because he knows I like it.
I never answered. I will see him at work today, I know he will question me, and tell me is that the way you want it? not speak to me again? I know is not the way I want it, is the way it must be for me to heal, to get out of this situation.
I hope I may remain strong, I hope I have found friends, faceless as you all may be, that will encourage me to be strong when I need it. That will in a nonjudgmental way lead me back on the right path if I stray, as I would like to do with you.
Thank you all
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I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40 etc.
