anxiousme

divorced, lonely and hurting

Posted on 11/08/09, 04:52 am

I may not quite fit into the definition as we have known eachother for 17 years, but thats still a long time, and i am now 40. We split up, divorced, a year ago and we were both unhappy at the marriage, but he wanted the actual divorce, so it was the fault of both of us anyway.
The issue is, i am so lonely, even though i do meet up with a friend here and there, and have parents and children, i miss him and there is a big empty hole there. I have started having anxiety attacks and depression attacks which i never had before.
He sees the children once per week and when i [pick them up we all sit around together and have a meal, i think that makes the pain harder for both of us, being together, then having to say goodbye. He cried a few times but when i say should we make up again he says no, its not a good idea etc, then he rings me almost everynight and sends me sms messages, i never ring him, but have to answer calls as the children pick up the phone and pass it onto me. Its really weird, he doesn't want to get back with me but he keeps contact frequent. I am confused and hurting very badly.

• Reply #1 11/08/09  7:29am
  
  trisha9054
  I would suggest you bite the bullet and tell him no contact unless it is about the children. He's still hanging on to you and this is not letting you move forward. It's probably not good for you and your children that you two have meals together when the children are picked up. It gives them hope that mom and dad might get back together.
  
  It could be he is into the drama of the situation. Milking it for all he can. If you are not seeing a therapist I would suggest you find one. There is also Divorce Care. They are based out of one of the local churches in your area. It is a 13 week session. You can start anywhere in the 13 weeks. The workbook is very reasonable and you can go through their sessions as many times as you need. It helps to have the support of people who are going through the same thing. Just google it and see what is in your area.
  
  Good luck. I know how hard this is. I never thought I would be here after 33 years but I am. I'm a good bit ahead of you in the healing process. I still have bad moments when I'm forced to deal with the ex so I know how hard this is for you.
  
  Take care
  
  
• Reply #2 11/08/09  8:47am
  
  Shorty54
  I agree with Trish. A divorce is really hard on people--but what you are doing is making the hurt last so much longer. Sometimes we let ourselves think that it wasn't so bad and it was better than being alone. Unless you got a divorce on a whim--it was not working. When I first went into this we didn't have Divorce Care in the area, but I signed up for the daily e-mails and found another different support group in a nearby town. It definately helps to hear other people tell their stories and support your. I've been alone for a year and divorced for 6 months. We have had no contact and I still find myself thinking maybe we could have worked it out. NOT!! Be strong and put yourself first.
• Reply #3 11/08/09  11:11am
  
  MsTerey
  The first thing is to take care of yourself, and if you are suffering with anxiety attacks and depression, you need professional help. You need the help of a therapist to help you sort out all of this, because you have what I call a legal divorce, but emotionally you are both still" married" and dependent on each other. You are both in some ways getting your needs met, but it is mimimal and not healthy. This is often the case and I am not being harsh, just that this is not working for you if it so painful. You don't get a chance to be independent if he comes over every week and has a " family" meal. You are not moving on and beginning a new forward step, or as some say a new life. I always say you have to design your life after divorce. He should not be center stage in your life and he still is. He is not living there but is still there in a sense.
  
  I would sit down with him and tell him you want limited contact, you need to move on. Set some boundaries and rules with him. Tell him that you do not want him messaging you and most of all calling you every night. If he wants to talk to the children at night that is fine but you do not need to talk to him. Tell him to email or text you if he has BUSINESS only about the kids. You have to want to do this. As to the lonely part, and I was there with no family, no kids... you have to work that out, get out, do just one thing! Try hard to think about you, when you have thoughts of him. He left, he wanted a divorce. You can do this.. and please get some professional help for the depression issues. A BIG HUG.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Reply #4 11/08/09  12:02pm
  
  dairytech
  You have been given some very good advise. There's not a lot more I can add other than the no contact thing really works. Im on my second month of no contact and I find it very helpful in the healing and moving on department. I would never have thought it would work as well as it has.
  
  This may sound harsh...thats not my intent...having the family meals and having constant contact through phone calls and e-mails...is self abusive. He has one foot in the marriage and one foot out. You have to ask yourself...is this how I want to live my life. The reality is...if he were to meet someone new...he will be gone..and you will have to start all over again. I went through this...I am on my second divorce with the same man. I am where I was 5 years ago. Starting over. You have to pull yourself up by your boot straps and call it a day. It is over. Its time to move forward...there is nothing worse than limbo. Your stronger than you think...you can do this...Big Hugs...Kathy
• Reply #5 11/08/09  4:29pm
  
  zouga
  Your anxiety is telling you that this situation is bad for you. I understand that your ex has visiting privileges with the children, but he does not have those privileges with you unless you let him. As Trisha pointed out, your "family" dinners are giving your children false hope that you and your ex will get back together. This is not good for any of you.
  Please consider therapy for yourself and family counseling for you and the children. If you can be strong and stick to NO CONTACT the children will come to accept this, and so will your ex. Don't let your ex control this situation. You will feel less anxious when YOU are in charge.
  ((hugs))
• Reply #6 11/08/09  6:44pm
  
  tobywinn
  Remember, when his lips are moving, it's all drama. It's not what one says that has validity but what one does....surely, the proof of the pudding would have been already proven IF he had shown appropriate behavior of wanting back.
  
  AVOID the pain by actively deciding to STAY AWAY and put an end to the confusion. Take back your control. Do not allow my more false hopes to convince yourself otherwise. No more dinners and no more contact other than business as others have stated. The hardest agonizing truth is accepting reality.
  
• Reply #7 11/08/09  7:29pm
  
  feelingok
  Missing what you had is normal but it doesn't mean you should get back together. I found that the biggest pain was realizing the loss of "the dream" of a happy marriage. You have had great advice here and I concur with the NO CONTACT rule. It's hard at first because it's habit and you'll miss the connection, but as was said above, the anxiety shows it's not good for you.
  
  One thing I have found and have read so much is you HAVE to take care of you. Self nurturing is the biggest gift you can give yourself.
  
  With every day of no contact, it DOES get better.
• Reply #8 11/09/09  6:01am
  
  Cat79
  AM - It's the no contact - that really allows the type of healing to further as you do build your own life. It doesn't mean at times there won't be contact on the children - there needs to be. But you can set boundaries and also guidelines for this. Passing the phone is not an option. Heck it puts kids in the middle. If your children do not have a cell phone (he can contact them at those numbers) then establish a time or method for this communication. I have gotten so many of what I call "sneak attacks" on the phone (manipulation, nasty messages, etc.). I've let my stbx know if we need to talk about the kids - send me an email or leave a voice mail message and let me know what you'd like to talk about. He knows about the no passing the phone and my kids do - that is - if it's dad please let him know we'll talk later. My kids have cell phones
  
  The funny thing - with that in place (the only contact is really legal now) he no longer trys to wangle and manipulate. Unfortunately (and this is not b/c of no contact) he rarely contacts the kids and NEVER asks after them. I do not need to sustain his parenting - his choice not to be a parent on his own. The kids - needed less vagueness and false hope. My kids in fact have asked me not to ask their dad to call them when he doesn't for a stretch at a time.
  
  Most important is that you continue to take care of you and your children. Moving on and healing is hard My thoughts and prayers with you. Those shared weekly dinners at the children's pick up - may be a part of the difficulty in revisiting the marriage you had so hoped for continually.
  
  Funny thing,
• Reply #9 11/10/09  5:38am
  
  hurtinandhe...
  Good advice from everyone. The no contact rule serves a purpose--to help you separate and heal. He wants to have his cake and eat it too--he wants the happy family life with dinners with the kids and having you available to talk to, but also wants to be free to do as he pleases without making the sacrifices that a relationship involves.
  
  He is thinking only of himself and this is hurting you. Establish no contact so you can heal.
  
  I also recommend counseling for the anxiety and depression. Counseling really helped me.
  
  Hugs!
• Reply #10 11/14/09  3:45am
  
  anxiousme
  Thanks for the fantastic replies, I have cut the contact and don't answer his calls and don't respond to his sms. Maybe one call occaisionally about the children and thats it. I am feeling much better now, although I did tell him not to contact me he still does send lots of messages and calls he must have selective deafness so its just easier not to answer. Yes the family dinners in the restaurant were a mistake, i won't do that again, next time I pick them up to take them home I will just stay in the car while they get in, i won't even get out of the car. I do have a counsellor who is really good too. Hugs to all of you!!

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40 etc.