Discussion Topic

Divorce after 24 years of marriage

Posted on 04/17/12, 09:00 pm
I originally posted this on the break-ups and divorce group but see this is clearly the better place.

I have been married to my husband for 24 years and dated for 2 before that. My youngest child just left for college in the fall and then my life started down the toilet. I had a family member commit suicide, then my father's health took a severe downturn so I have been struggling to get through all these life changes when my normally very supportive husband tells me on my birthday he wants a divorce. Nothing specific but says he is sad the kids are gone, feels we've grown apart, feels guilty because he travels so much and I am home alone, feels he is getting old and just doesn't feel he will be happy in our marriage any more. It doesn't make sense but I don't think there is another person. He also said he knows most of the problems in our marriage is because of his being gone so much. I tried to get him to at least go to counseling for the kids sake but he is not interested.
I thought we had a good marriage that no doubt needed some TLC after 26 years together and spending all our energy on kids, but we both agreed we had a better marriage than most people we know that have been together this long and that we were going to make a new none kid life together. We don't fight and still get along really well even with the turmoil. He did reveal some personal demons he was having difficulty with recently that I know played a part in some issues we were having, and he bailed shortly after he confided in me so I do feel like that was part of it. I am just so overwhelmed and confused that he would do this to me at the worst time in my life. Any thoughts?
Showing 11 - 20 of 40 Replies
  • Reply #11 04/18/12  12:48pm
    Lastdance: I am so sorry that you find yourself in your terrible situation,but I'm also very GLAD that you find yourself here. You have already experience the support and great advice that you can look forward to now and going forward through this difficult journey.

    It will be a tough ride. There are some difficult days and months ahead. The man you loved is no longer. That must seem so strange to read - and I didn't believe it myself when my stbx started acting 'strange' and distant but never did give me any answers until the very end. It was someone else. It's devastating to find out. You think you are prepared but....trust me, you just can't be prepared for that.

    You have grown kids, like many of us here, and I hope that they are handling it well. Expect mixed reactions - some may be completely supportive and loving, and others might withdraw and not want to discuss it at all...we can help you with that too!

    I'm sorry your family has had a a recent death, but perhaps you are all emotionally closer since this time is still so fresh. Your family will be there for you. Your TRUE friends will be there for you (some may disappear - prepare for this too).

    You don't need any advice from me, all has been said to get you started. Welcome to our group - you will feel cared for and respected here! Best
  • Reply #12 04/18/12  3:54pm
    OH GOD I AM WIHT KATHI ALLLL THE WAY!!!!! Been there done that got the t shirt. I also want to say time for you to done some detective work. Do not take what he says as truth. Dont give him the benifit or the doubt. Til you have no doubts, please protect yourself financial. I wish you well. Like Kathi said too many of us know this story all to well. Love&Peace
  • Reply #13 04/18/12  6:09pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #14 04/18/12  6:10pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #15 04/18/12  6:10pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #16 04/18/12  6:11pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #17 04/18/12  6:11pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #18 04/18/12  6:11pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #19 04/18/12  6:12pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.
  • Reply #20 04/18/12  6:12pm
    lastdance, sending many, many hugs your way! Your story sounds very similar to mine, except that my stbx was not always the loveliest person to live with, and it was a bit of a relief when he finally departed. We've been separated six months and divorcing, and I stll don't know if he has an OW, and since it will not make a difference in my divorce settlement, I haven't felt a need to investigate him. He lives in his mother's basement, so I'm not sure. He said a lot of the same things to me that yours said to you. My stbx went through a huge narcissistic depression prior to leaving. I asked him to go to counseling either together or separately to save our family, but he would have no part of it. Like Lori, mine also told me he wanted a divorce on our 25th wedding anniversary. What boobs!!!! I guess they really felt the need to stab and twist. I can tell you that CGK's advice is the best advice you will ever get. I'm in the middle of my divorce, and I can honestly say, that most of my days are good ones, and I have a new hope for a positive future without him. Hang in there, and know that you will get plenty of support here. We SO understand what you are going through!
    Love and Blessings,
    T.

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I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40 etc.