Discussion Topic

Husband brings me down

Posted on 11/30/08, 09:23 pm
How do I take care of myself and remain feeling good about life and positive after my husband answers me in a nasty tone of voice. I cannot stand it when he speaks that way. I have a hard time respecting him after he speaks that way...it negates a lot of any positive feelings that I have for him and I end up disliking his behavior and feeling disdain for him!
Showing 5 Replies
  • Reply #1 12/01/08  3:36am
    I understand.

    I would say that it depends on what else is going on.

    People have their off days.

    I can certainly relate to having mine.

    But if you are talking about verbal abuse, that is not ok.

    If you can't talk to him about it without fear, that is another sign that you are in an abusive relationship.

    Sorry to be so blunt but I have seen my fair share as my Mother was abused and I had to watch as a child.

    Could this be why your child acts out emotionally?
  • Reply #2 12/01/08  7:20am
    support, the first step would be to wait until your husband cools down and talk to him about how you feel when he acts like this.

    I agree with Anji, if you cant talk to him about it without fear, then there is an element of abuse you need to deal with.

    I also agree that if you are feeling this way so is your child but probably more so. This will cause your child to either withdraw or act out in other ways. Children dont understand their feelings about things like this so they manifest themselves in other ways.

    You have mentioned your husbands behavior in this respect several times so I know it bothers you but to be left unapproached will not solve anything. His reactions to different situations always sound angry or frustrated and need to be addressed. Your disdain will only continue to grow if left unattended.

    See his actions as those of HIS choosing and not yours. His reactions are not of YOU, but of HIMSELF and HIS feelings. Try not to allow his actions to dictate your feelings. If this is absolutely not possible only you can do something about it with communication.

    Without knowing more about where his actions are coming from, it is difficult to just ignore him especially if he does this often.
  • Reply #3 12/01/08  11:13am
    Support,i've was verbally abused by my husband for years and it really does bring you down,but it takes away your self esteem and confidence in yourself.If it doesn't get better i'm afraid things won't get better for you.but I agree with Shelly,wait until he's calm and try to talk to him.Just remember that no matter what he say's to you,it's only to make himself feel bigger.You're a good person,never stop believing that.
  • Reply #4 12/01/08  1:44pm
    I'm trying to really look at my husband objectively. He's not an intentionally mean man, but the way he speaks is hurtful. He cannot handle being questioned in any way and, when he is, or if I disagree with him, he acts as tho only his way is correct.

    For example, my daughter was talking about what she would like to do this summer and I suggested a writing camp, and my husband said to me "what, do you expect them to just take her automatically. Are they waiting for her? That's absolutely rediculous."

    I responded that I know that she'll have to try out, but that I think she has a good chance.

    My husband responded "You are being really stupid. Are you kidding?"

    I told him that I didn't like his way with words.

    Later, when my daughter was not around I told him that I didn't appreciate it when he acted as tho I was stupid, he replied "I'm not talking about this anymore!"

    Two minutes later he is on to another conversation, speaking to me as if nothing happened. I try to tell myself that that's the way he is, and his behavior is no reflection on me, but I end up feeling down.
  • Reply #5 12/01/08  5:57pm
    support, I am sorry, but the things your husband says can be interpreted as abusive. They are negative remarks aimed at belittling you. I cant blame you for not likeing it when he talks to you like that. If he is not allowing you to have an opinion in your discussions with him, than it can be very detrimental to your self esteem. He will not change overnight.

    I still say that the only way you are going to make any progress with him is to directly address it with him. If he truly loves you and does not mean to hurt you, than he will understand and try to work on the way he approaches things.

    You will probably always have to work on how you feel with each situation that arises especially if he chooses not to change his ways. You have to come to a point where you dont see his behavior as a reflection of who you are or your self esteem but rather who he chooses to be for himself. You have to decide what it is that bothers you. His anger, his negativity, his need to always be right, his need to shoot things down before they ever get started. Once you recognize what that is, maybe you can more effectively work on how that affects you.

    I still believe that therapy is appropriate in this situation.

    Hugs

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