Discussion Topic
Do I risk my career?
Posted on 09/28/09, 04:02 am
I'm a 20 year old Airman First Class in the U.S. Air Force. I joined last year to support my fiance'. After graduation basic training, I recieved a message on facebook that we were done, and that she was marrying an old friend of mine.
It's been 10 months since then. At first I was furious, but that subsided. After a couple weeks, I was thinking about the past pretty much constantly. Remembering time spent with her, and how I was happy for that time. I've never been a terribly happy person, but this was one time I was. (I'm sorry if this sounds hokey.) She completed me. I went to great lengths to be with her. At one point, I walked almost 15 miles in a blizzard to see her.
I've been having mood swings, and nightmares regularly for about eight months now. Lack of sleep, little to no appetite, constantly tired. I find myself losing myself in my thoughts regularly. It's cutting into my work. I can't focus.
A few days ago a friend from tech school killed himself. Gunshot to the head. Nobody expected it, but he rarely talked to anyone. I could never get through to him. Now I'm terrified that's going to be me soon.
The main problem I'm having here is that I could be discharged as a threat to myself if I come out with these feelings. I know I need help, but I can't risk losing this job. It's all I have. The military has given me everything. A home, decent pay, and a few close friends. I couldn't go back home again.
I love my family, but I was stressed out by livig with them the last few years. I was the first f my friends back home to go out and make something of myself, having to give up and go back to living in the basement would be completely humiliating. I don't think I have the drive to go back to college again either.
I guess what I've been trying to ask in a rather roundabout way is: Do I risk my career and go get help, or do I "soldier" on and try to make it through alone?
It's been 10 months since then. At first I was furious, but that subsided. After a couple weeks, I was thinking about the past pretty much constantly. Remembering time spent with her, and how I was happy for that time. I've never been a terribly happy person, but this was one time I was. (I'm sorry if this sounds hokey.) She completed me. I went to great lengths to be with her. At one point, I walked almost 15 miles in a blizzard to see her.
I've been having mood swings, and nightmares regularly for about eight months now. Lack of sleep, little to no appetite, constantly tired. I find myself losing myself in my thoughts regularly. It's cutting into my work. I can't focus.
A few days ago a friend from tech school killed himself. Gunshot to the head. Nobody expected it, but he rarely talked to anyone. I could never get through to him. Now I'm terrified that's going to be me soon.
The main problem I'm having here is that I could be discharged as a threat to myself if I come out with these feelings. I know I need help, but I can't risk losing this job. It's all I have. The military has given me everything. A home, decent pay, and a few close friends. I couldn't go back home again.
I love my family, but I was stressed out by livig with them the last few years. I was the first f my friends back home to go out and make something of myself, having to give up and go back to living in the basement would be completely humiliating. I don't think I have the drive to go back to college again either.
I guess what I've been trying to ask in a rather roundabout way is: Do I risk my career and go get help, or do I "soldier" on and try to make it through alone?
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Reply #1 09/28/09 3:30pm
First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through such a difficult ordeal. Would it be possible in any way for you to seek some treatment for depression (i.e. talking to a therapist) without it being cause for discharge? I think perhaps you might feel actually worse if you leave the military because its obvious the sense of pride it gives you. However, its clear that if you are feeling the way you are, something should be done. Maybe try these online support groups or journaling how are you are feeling. There are so many of us out there who understand what you are going through and are here to support you. I have to say though, that therapy will help you not only deal with your feelings about the break up, but it might also help you adjust the feelings you have about going to school or being back at home. In the end, be true to yourself and what you need. You deserve all the happiness your heart can hold. I wish you all the best!
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