Dear Nursing Student,
I am writing because I am also on Daddy's Little Girl. My father crossed over November 24, 2008. He had a history of schizophrenia as well, however, I was in his life for the past 25 years. The relationship I had with my father was bittersweet in that I had to become his decision maker (conservator) on many occasions, advocating for medical treatment (I would have preferred for him to be capable of making these decisions for himself!). Needless to say, there were many times I was emotionally anguished; however, through it all we established a very close relationship (I being his best friend) and there was a lot of love. Like yourself, when I was little, these are the fondest memories of him; he invested more of "himself" when he was in his late 20's/early 30's because at that time the schizophrenia had not surfaced to the point where it could be diagnosed. The complex nature of my relationship with my father made me go through a "complicated griefing process", yet much guilt I had has been dismissed knowing that every decision I made on his behalf was in his best interest!
My father died of lung cancer and the last several years of his life he seemed to have more peace of mind and in touch with himself, particularly spiritually. The most difficult time throughout the whole 25 years was at the closing, when I said goodbye to him in Hospice and told him that we would always be together in Spirit, which I believe we are.
My heart goes out to you regarding not being able to reestablish a relationship with him when you were older. With schizophrenia, it was nearly impossible for me to have a traditional father-daughter relationship; my emotional needs were rarely met (a father who is the protector; it was actually I who provided that for him!). And, of course, medication compliance is what created havoc, more so for him than me.
The feeling that your Dad died twice for you, once in your heart and then physically -- I want to extend my sincerest empathy since I can appreciate your emotions, having been through this myself. There was a point in my life when I was separated from my father from 12 to 25 years old; we were re-united through my grandmother (my mother died when I was 15). My father was 76 when he passed and I am now 51.
Please feel free to contact me as often to unload your heartache and I hopefully will be able to better address your feelings. A relationship with a parent who had mental illness is an incredible burden to bear (whether you were close to them or away). My prayers to you and stay in touch.
Leslie
Discussion Topic
Super dad to schizophrenic dad - he died twice
Posted on 06/14/09, 02:16 pm
Yesterday my father would have celebrated his 54th birthday. It would have been my second chance since I have been 13 yrs old to actually visit him on his birthday, but I didn't. I had planned all week to buy flowers and go to his gravesite and wish him a happy birthday. His headstone looks so unloved. It simply says his name and the dates. I didn’t have a say, this was the choice of his many siblings. It’s sad though and I did want to put flowers. I just couldn't get out of bed. I just lay there until it was too late to make the commute back home. I'm so angry with myself, but I've been angry since he died. I didn't get to say goodbye, and I struggle with that. I had things to say and questions to ask and now he's gone. I'm angry and feel guilty for not being able to deal with a father who had a mental illness (schizophrenia), although for the most part he was absent. I avoided him for the past five years of his life because the constant irrational messages on my phone were too much and now I have to live with that, it hurts. I felt guilty that I said no to taking on the responsibility for becoming his substitute decision maker when I was in my early 20’s.
He was a great dad until I was 13 years old. I went off to summer camp and what I came back to changed the rest of my life. My parents separated, and I now lived with my mom and my little brother at my grandparents. My dad was no longer with us. Over the next little while his life spun out of control as he got sicker and sicker. The super dad I knew was gone. That was the first time he died in my eyes. And then to me he died several more times over the next 20 years. Each time he left after a visit it felt like he died again. His visits became shorter and the length between them increased quickly from weeks to months and then years. I never knew where he was or if he was even alive, until I got the final news of his death on Jan 23, 2008. That's the call I never wanted to receive. Now his death is really final. There is no going back, no chance he'll stay on medications and magically become the dad I dream of and need, he's really gone this time he's dead for real. Now I feel like I am grieving the loss of two dad's, the super dad of my childhood (the one that watched cartoons and played with me and helped me with homework) and the one he became (mostly absent, and mentally ill - schizophrenic). It has been very hard. I feel alone and sad. I wish I could have helped my dad and I miss my super dad.
He was a great dad until I was 13 years old. I went off to summer camp and what I came back to changed the rest of my life. My parents separated, and I now lived with my mom and my little brother at my grandparents. My dad was no longer with us. Over the next little while his life spun out of control as he got sicker and sicker. The super dad I knew was gone. That was the first time he died in my eyes. And then to me he died several more times over the next 20 years. Each time he left after a visit it felt like he died again. His visits became shorter and the length between them increased quickly from weeks to months and then years. I never knew where he was or if he was even alive, until I got the final news of his death on Jan 23, 2008. That's the call I never wanted to receive. Now his death is really final. There is no going back, no chance he'll stay on medications and magically become the dad I dream of and need, he's really gone this time he's dead for real. Now I feel like I am grieving the loss of two dad's, the super dad of my childhood (the one that watched cartoons and played with me and helped me with homework) and the one he became (mostly absent, and mentally ill - schizophrenic). It has been very hard. I feel alone and sad. I wish I could have helped my dad and I miss my super dad.
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Reply #1 06/15/09 10:49pm
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Reply #2 06/19/09 12:14am
Thank you Leslie for you kind words, empathy and understanding. I often feel alone in dealing with the life and death of my schizophrenic father. It's comforting to know someone else has experienced similar life circumstances. I will stay in touch, thanks.
Heather
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