I was born in a military family. My father started sexually abusing me at an early age. I was three when the petting turned into penetration. My parents divorced when I was 7. Because the abuse was so traumatizing my memories were virtually non-existent below the age of almost 12 when my older sister 19 died. From that time on my memory became normal. I felt different but couldn't understand why.
I accepted Jesus as my Savior at the age of 15 but was involved in a church that was lukewarm and very liberal at best. There was no discipleship or mentoring for baby Christians and without this I was easy prey for the enemy. I became very suicidal at this time. To stay alive I smoked weed and drank to dull the pain. Anytime I was straight or sober, I wanted to end the pain and had thoughts of suicide. I also slept around to try to 'feel' loved because I didn't feel loved by anyone. This was pretty much my life till I reached 18.
At 18 I asked Jesus to become Lord of my life and everything changed. Letting go of control and letting the Creator of the Universe steer and guide my life made all the difference. I was able to stop the drugs and alcohol. I still had a boyfriend who I slept with, but I was no longer having sex indiscriminately. After I left him I had found my passion for helping people working in a nursing home. During this time period I was also robbed and raped.
When I was around 22 I met and married my son's father. I thought I had found true love until after my son was born and this man started beating me. I was afraid for my life and afraid to leave because he had threatened to hunt me down if I did and kill me. He had guns so I knew he was serious. When my son was 15 months old I fled, after he went to work and took all the guns with me. I drove the back roads so he could not find me. I moved in with my sister and her son. She rented a room in a house with two other people. So she and I plus our two baby sons shared one room.
I found a church within walking distance where I met my current husband. I married him after my son's father divorced me. We had two daughters. Our relationship was wonderful before we married. On the wedding night he withdrew inside himself and wouldn't let me in. It is to this day a loveless marriage. I continued to grow in the Lord and become closer and stronger in Him.
After the birth of my last child, something inside me snapped. All my life I had carried what I called a quiet desperation around in the center of my being that I tried to ignore. Months after her birth it stopped being quiet and I found myself standing in an island in the middle of a busy street ready to step out in front of a car. A Voice inside my head told me that if I did it, that I wouldn't die, but become paralyzed because it was a compact car and I would still have the emotional pain inside me. I literally looked up and down the highway for a Mac truck but there was none.
I crossed the road and stood in front of the church that I attended every Sunday and went inside. Since it was during the week the sanctuary was empty so I crumpled on the stairs of the alter and begged God to take me Home. I told Him if He loved me and if I was truly His He would take me right then and there. I seriously wanted to die, (this was the ONLY TIME in the three years I had been suicidal as a teen and the three years to come that I was beyond wanting to end the pain and wanted to really die.)
When I didn't die right then and there, I walked out of the church and went home. I didn't realize at that moment that this had been the breakthrough God had been waiting for. It was a major turning point in my life. I began to see God in every aspect of my life as the fog lifted. I had been someone who studied His Word, but now I really absorbed everything. I read His Word and listened to teachings because I just couldn't get enough. Then I made the serious decision to give myself to serve Him and asked Him to draw me closer, NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK! (this is one of those be careful what you ask for or be prepared after asking for things)
I was in a car accident a few months later leaving me with permanent soft tissue injuries and putting me on bed rest for 6 months. My youngest daughter was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening blood disorder, (she wasn't even two years old yet), and my husband had to have a dangerous operation. It may seem harsh to some, but this is WHAT IT TOOK to break through to the core of the damage inside me.
I went to counseling for the horrible pain I was in to learn how to deal with it. It took two years of counseling before I could really trust my counselor and then it happened. One Friday I called because I felt as though I was going to die, I didn't want to, I just felt like it was going to happen. I asked him if I could come in. He was totally booked into the evening but asked me if I could hang on until the next day. I said I could. He doesn't have Saturday hours but opened the office just for me. I curled up like a baby in the overstuffed chair I always sat in and in a tiny voice said, I think my Daddy hurt me, didn't he. He said, Yes I think so.
I now knew what that quiet desperation had been but I thought just knowing about it was all that was needed to finally be alright it would be another year before the flashbacks started. It took around 3 very difficult years to work through the sexual abuse issues. And the rest of the 10 years total that I saw him to learn how to be a good parent. I fell six or so years ago and damaged the discs in my middle back. MRI's show that I have 7 herniated disc. I have been diagnosed with SLE lupus, and asthma. The strength of God and what my counselor taught me has helped me to deal and live with daily pain.
The lack of a Christ centered program that would go deep enough to be effective in dealing with the aftereffects of childhood sexual abuse gave me the main purpose for my life. I am currently working on creating such a program. This church was birthed out of a need for other Christians when I injured my back again and could not attend my church.
Just a run down on the deaths in my life because I have seen more than my fair share:
2nd grade a little friend Cecil died of leukemia.
best friend's sister from cancer, we were around 9 years old.
11 years old, older sister died, she was 19.
17 years old, friend Ike blew his brains out.
18 my father died at the age of 43 from the effects of long term drinking
then:
my grandfather mother's side
my grandmother mother's side
multiple people in nursing homes that I grew close to
my grandmother father's side
2 babies in the first trimester
most recent my granddaughter at 20 weeks into the pregnancy
and now Jess.
I mention these only because some feel such a loss when someone dies that they feel like dying too. If I could live through all of this including their deaths, you can live too!
Every person has at least one gift to share with this world, something special that no one else can share. Hint to discovering what that gift is; it usually has something to do with surviving the worst things that have happened in our lives and helping others survive those things too! Our main purpose after we get saved is to discover our gift(s) and live long enough to let Him use us to make a difference in the lives of others. Only then will we hear Well done good and faithful servant!
Discussion Topic
Testimony Time: Please Share Yours!
Posted on 11/08/08, 10:12 pm
First a word of caution! Do not share any information that would personally identify you. Examples: NO, Last name, where you live, where you were born, your birth date, any of this (or information like this) will make you a target and this is something I don't want to happen!
What I would like you to share is the difficulties you have faced and overcome and are facing and overcoming. Share your life, who you are as a person. If you know the Lord Jesus Christ, how did you meet Him? Share what difference He has made in your life. Write as much as you want! Let this be the time we get to know each other's hearts, minds, passions, all those precious things that make you who you are!
What I would like you to share is the difficulties you have faced and overcome and are facing and overcoming. Share your life, who you are as a person. If you know the Lord Jesus Christ, how did you meet Him? Share what difference He has made in your life. Write as much as you want! Let this be the time we get to know each other's hearts, minds, passions, all those precious things that make you who you are!
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Reply #1 11/08/08 10:58pm
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Reply #2 11/10/08 3:26pm
My Testimony
I look back on my life and I wonder sometimes, what would have happened if I did this, instead of that? Taken as a whole, I don't think I would change a thing. One thing that I know is that I would not change the decision I made to put my faith in God.
My childhood was marred by abuse, negelect and conflict on all sides. It was extremely difficult, growing up in that environment. It made me a very frightened, withdrawn person. I know that doesn't seem possible now, but believe me, I was there.
In my late teens, early twenties I went beserk. It was the best and worst of times. There were a lot of good times and adventures that I will never forget. It is very difficult to forget scuba diving with sharks and experiencing a hurricaine on a beach. There was a lot of promiscuous sex, alcohol and some elicit drugs too. I tried to throw away the fears that I had and create a whole new me. Unfortunately, I was building on a shaky foundation, trying to hide the real me.
Well, after my great adventurous stage, I decided that it was time to get serious. So I started an LPN program and discovered that I was good at something besides finding new and unique was of getting into trouble. I found a true vocation in nursing and the plan was to finish my program and go into medical missions.
I was an agnostic at that point. I didn't say that there was no possibility of a God, like an atheist, just that the whole topic didn't have relevance in my life. Dumb, right? I had been raised in a family that "did church" In other words, church was something that you did to make yourself look good, not because it had any real meaning in your life. My mom was deeply religious and did have a profound faith. However, it didn't really make a whole lot of difference, because my dad was a sociopath. My mom submitted to my dad, so he made all of the decisions. By the time I was a teenager, she was drinking heavily just to deal with it. Someplace deep inside me, there was a spirit that refused to submit to my father. It was an ugly relationship. Unfortunately most of my father's relationships ended up ugly, the closer the relationship, the uglier it became. At that point in my life, I wanted nothing to do with religion.
About that time I met my husband and got married. We had two kids, a miracle in and of itself. I was not supposed to be able to have children, not supposed to be able to get pregnant even. When I popped up pregnant with Ron, it was a true miracle. There were complications, Ron was born preterm, I almost bled to death. I was told that Ron was a fluke and to quit while I was ahead. I would never have another child
And God said "HA". 18 months later I was pregnant with baby #2. I was advised to have an abortion. I was told that my resposibility was to my husband and child. I would risk death to complete this pregnancy. I was sent home to think about it, then call my obstetrician the next day. I thought long and hard and came to an unexpected decision. Even though I didn't believe in God, I decided that aborting the baby was wrong. I decided that it was wrong in God's eyes and that if I did what was right in his eyes he would protect me and my family. I was questioned frequently during the first three months if I wanted to continue this pregnancy, and it was a rough pregnancy. Beth was born full term but once again I hemorrhaged badly. This time there would be no more pregnancies.
So life went on. There were times of plenty and lean times. i came to true faith when my children were small. We had returned to church for spiritual teaching for our children. After several months, something changed. All of this stuff about God was relevant to me, made sense in my life. I started to walk with God 20 years ago. I have never regretted it.
I wish I could say all was wonderful with my life since that time. I can't. There were good times and some really rough times. I cared for my mother-in-law for years until she died. Friends died. Money was frequently tight. But somehow I kept on going.
Then the really rough times hit, 4 years and 3 months ago. I remember the last day of my old life 7-30-2004. I was working at a benefit rodeo for the therapeutic riding stable and it rained. Torrential, flooding rains. I came home soaked to the skin and miserable. I had it good, just didn't know it yet.
The next day I went to see my parents and my dad said mom wasn't feeling well. He didn't know what was going on. She was laying down. She was so jaundiced, just bright yellow. I knew something was horribly wrong. It took me two hours to convince my dad to take her to the hospital but unfortunately I was right. She had pancreatic cancer and as dead 3 weeks later.
At her funeral, I met a young woman that Ron had started to see about one week earlier. A pretty young 19 year old by the name of Aubrey Adams. My mom's funeral was their first official date. Ron had just started nursing school, he was seeing a new girl, truly burning the candle at both ends. I wasn't surprised when he developed a horrible cold. I was kind of surprised when he complained of feeling terrible. I was shocked when he could no longer stand up and sing at church a few days later.
So, off to the emergency room. We were going to get to the bottom of this. They did a chest X-ray, then another. The doctor called me in and showed me the second X-ray. Ron had a grapefruit sized tumor, sitting next to his heart. He was in congestive heart failure.
He had been dating Aubrey for less than a month. She was 19 years old. All I could think was "This girl is bright but this is too big. She's outta here." I was so wrong. Aubrey stayed, practically moving in with Ron in the hospital room. They were supposed to go dancing later on in the week. They danced to Brahm's lullaby. It was a small hospital, and every time a baby was born they played Brahm's ;lullaby on the PA.
Then the nightmare truly began. They couldn't get a decent biopsy. They had to saw his sternum apart and do open chest surgery, but were unable to remove more than shavings of the tumor. It wasa too vascular and he hemorrhaged. The pathology lab couldn't tell us more than it was a cancerous tumor, they had never seen a cancer that looked like that. The surgeon told us to put him on hospice because he would surely die. No hope.
At that point, we started getting emails from all over. Ron's name had been put on prayer chains, and from there more prayer chains, and from there.... you get the picture. During that terrible weekend, we got emails from all over the world. Every continent was represented, all of them saying the same thing. "We are praying for your son."
That Monday, I went to work, I was teaching at the time. I knew that later that day we would be making arrangements for Ron to go into hospice of NW Ohio, but I wanted to do what I could for my students. There was nothing I could do for my son. I remember telling them to have faith "God has led us to a dark place, but he will lead us out." The call came during their test. I had warned them that I was leaving my cell phone on, had asked their forgiveness. I was a bear when it came to cell phones in the classroom. I fell to my knees, praising God. The tumor was identified. It was still large, it was still deadly, but there was hope.
6 months of chemo. A move. Lot's of general life, working hard, trying to deal with high dose chemo. Beth fell down the stairs and broke her ankle, In February 2005, the word was given. A miracle had occurred. The tumor was dead. On with regularly scheduled. life/
Not quite. Terrible, tearing headaches led to me find a tumor on my neck. I had it removed 1 week before Ron and Aubrey's wedding. I got my hair cut really short and posed for the pictures facing right. Otherwise I looked like the shaved head punk rocker mother in law.
Fast forward a few years. There was more tumor surgeries and a period of disability for me. The tumor is benign but in a rotten place, at the base of my skull, in between some major blood vessels. It causes me dizziness and pain when it get's too big. It is too big now.
I continued to work and to try to keep my life on line. It was hard. My best friend died. My dad sickened and eventually died. Before he died, he judged me to be rebellious and did everything he could to make my life miserable. He did a good job. After all the years of trying to keep a relationship with an abusive, mean man, then this. But I continued to do what was right in the eyes of God.
Most of you know about Kylie. She's my sparkle, A bright light in a dark place. A bright light with a bad heart. More fear, more stress, more questions for God. I wish I could say that my faith never faltered in all of this. I can't. Kylie's heart defect made me truly question my faith in God. This time it was dangerous. I knew God now, yet I was ready to storm away from him in my rage and fury over what I saw as God not playing fair. I came back. I was accepted and my faith in God is stronger than ever.
I don't know what my future holds. More stress, more fear, danger. I am in a precarious place. Yet it is OK. God is with me and my family and our fates rest in his hands. Thankfully we serve an awesome God, who does not dole miracles out one per customer. He gives blessings pressed down and overflowing and I believe that he will help us through whatever our lives bring. There's a hymn we sing at church
When peace like a river attends my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul, Thank you Jesus -
Reply #3 11/10/08 9:59pm
My mother was the greastest thing that ever happened to me. She gave me faith, and hope just as a tiny baby.
I was born with CP. The doctor's had to fly me to another hospital to try and save my life. Nobody knew if I would be able to walk or talk or do anything. A few months later, I was able to prove the doctor's wrong. My mom worked with me and prayed for me that I would be able to do many things in life.
Not to long after I was born my parents got divorced. Not to long later she met another guy, when I was two years old. They started dating and soon got married. He adoped me right afterward. A year later they had two daughters. They were only a year apart.
When I was 7 years old, my mom died of leukemia. My sisters were still pretty young so they really didn't know her like I did. It was hard on my dad and the rest of my family when she past away. But my grandmother told me that she believed in God, and read the bible a lot. Whenever she died she told me that she would always be with me and never leave me. I still believe that to this day.
About a year later after my mom died. My dad got re-married. She had quite a few problems. She had one son who was pretty much worse then she was. She treated me like trash you could say and my dad never stood up for me.
I moved into my uncle's place when I was 11 years old. He was dating a lady at the time, and they got married shortly after I moved in with him. She had 2 other kids. She was pretty nice, she worked a bunch. That marriage only lasted a year. A few years later my uncle met another lady and married her. She was a great christian and so was he at the time. Things were going pretty well till they both went into different ways of thinking, and left God out of the picture.
Right now I'm the only believer in my house. I do my best to keep my faith going. I'm not able to go to church as much as I would like, but I call everyone on here my great church friends! My senior year was the hardest on me because of all the things that were going on in my uncle's life. I was in very deep depression. While I was going through my deepression state, I met a lady. I met her through a friend on myspace. She was such a blessing to me. I told her about me and all I went through and she accepted me for who I was. I asked her to become my mama, because I wanted to belong to another family so badly, and so did she. So, she made me her daughter.
As I look back in my childhood life, I really don't remember being without God in my life. God was always with me from beginning to end. I really do believe it was because of my mother's prayers before she went to go be with the Lord. And I'm so thankful for her. I do miss her a lot, but know I will see her again soon. We all go through something different here on earth, but we are all one body and bothers and sister's in Christ.
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Reply #4 11/18/08 11:52am
Come on folks, please add your testimony! It helps me to know you better so that I can pray for you more. -
Reply #5 11/19/08 3:23pm
My Testimony:
I am 35 years old and my name is Richard. I first started going to church when I was either 6 or 7 years old. Basically, I was raised in a Christian background. However, I didn't attend church all the time.
From time to time, my siblings and I would visit my grandparents and it was then before bed time, that I first accepted Jesus Christ into my life. Before that, in Sunday School, I remember being led and asked what it took to be born again and all that. When I accepted the Lord was at the age of 9 and a couple months later in November, I was baptized with my siblings and mother.
Unfortunately, I really never went to church as often as I should've. Sometimes, I would get involved with some of their activities, but nevertheless, I never really grew. So, my walk was relatively stunted. Also, during the '80's when I was growing up, there didn't seem to be that much general interest within the church to help youth as much as there is today. So, in a way, I lost interest in going to church and completely dropped out by the age of 15.
What I call my "unproductive years"--the ten years where I was kind of in the wilderness, at least spiritually, I kind of kept away from anything religious. Thankfully, I never went into illegal drugs and never was in jail. The Lord must have been keeping Satan away during my most vulnerable years. It wasn't until around six months before I moved, that I had an interest of going back into church and had a desire to learn the Bible. However, I didn't act on it because the Lord, I felt, didn't want me to get too involved with a church down where I used to live.
It wasn't until soon after I moved that I had an even stronger desire to learn more about the Bible and Christianity. Well, I looked only for a half day before I found the church I go to now. I know for a fact that the Lord wanted me there because of where I am now. During the first three months, probably not too many people realized just how illiterate I was with the Bible. For instance, I thought that Latin was one of the original languages of the Bible! Now I know, it's Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. As I learned more, my interest shot through the roof!
On Saint Patricks Day, 1999, I became a member. Later on, I'd become an usher and working with our church's missionary committee. Of course, I went to many potlucks and fellowshiped there which in turn helped further my growth. I was and still am going to our Wednesday night Bible study. However, I had to cut back on our church's youth group activities and social committee because I had too much on my plate then. The Lord wasn't calling me to be part of that.
I know also that the Lord was leading me to this church because every year I go to Men's Retreat. In 2003, I was blessed with the opportunity to sponsor a child there, when a booth was set up during that year's event. Well, I registered and haven't regretted it since!
Right now, I've been on a couple of short-term missionary trips to Peru and it's been a great blessing for the children and adults down there as we helped build classrooms and paint, along with children's activities. We were blessed by getting to know our Peruvian brothers and sisters in Chirst and also having other people see us and possibly want to accept Christ, themselves.
So, all in all, this is my Christian life experience. I hope you who haven't posted yet here that you will read each of these testimonies and share for yourself. I am thankful to be here to post. -
Reply #6 11/19/08 3:49pm
My Future Hope:
This post is now looking into the future. As I mentioned on my previous post, I was on a couple of short-term mission trips. My hope is to continue this and possibly think about taking longer, perhaps from 1 month to a year, mission trips to Peru. I can see myself helping street kids and working alongside both children and adults. Also, I'd love to help with church-building.
There is also a third activity, I hope to do and that would be to help other missionaries plan their itineraries. Currently, I'm going to school to work in the travel business, such as a Travel Agent. What I pray for today is that maybe there would be a chance of being able to mix the two and when I'm out there either on the field or off, I'd be able to help like-minded missionaries for their travel arrangements.
That's my future hopes and I pray that the Lord will use me in this area to bring glory to His name. -
Reply #7 11/19/08 4:51pm
Excellent, Penguin! I will be praying for your hopes and dreams to become reality -
Reply #8 11/20/08 12:15pm
I was born at only 28 weeks along. No one thought I would live. I had major problems and complications. I was in the hospital for the first 4 months of my life. I lived. Doctors told my family that even though I survived I would definitely be mentally handicapped. They were wrong about that too.
My life has been a rough one though. My biological parents never really loved me. They abused me physically and emotionally. My first memories of life are of being beaten.
God saved me yet again though.
My maternal grandparents found out what was going on. They stepped in and adopted me when I was five years old. They raised me in a Christian home. I loved God and I loved church. I was planning on becoming a missionary. My life was great, even though throughout my childhood I was plagued with nightmares and flashbacks of my past abuse. I was still a happy child.
That all changed in 1999. My youth pastor began sexually abusing me. This went on for two years. By the time I was 15 all of my love and excitement for God was gone. Instead I was merely a shell of who I had been. I was suicidal and self injurying myself. I begged my mom for help, but she refused. She didn't know why I was in so much pain.
Eight months after my sexual abuse ended I was raped. It was my first date. After that I started dating my rapists best friend. I was on a downward spiral. My high school boyfriend was abusive in every way. Physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually. He also got me into using drugs. I stayed with him for over 2 years.
After that I went away to college. I pushed everything inside of me and pretended to be okay. I never talked to anyone about what I had been through. I tried church, but I felt so alone and hopeless.
My sophomore year I broke down. Major break down that ended up with me in the hospital. Since then I've been trying to heal, but its so hard.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I went on another downward spiral. I went manic(I'm bipolar) and became a sex addict. I started meeting guys online and sleeping with them. This resulted in me getting raped again this year in May.
Now I am dating an amazing man. He loves me and is supportive. We don't go to church though. I tried, but I have social anxiety and agoraphobia...I'm terrified of going.
I feel very lost now. I want to be close to God but I am so full of pain and anger, I don't know how. -
Reply #9 11/20/08 6:02pm
restlesslilly, I want to thank you for posting and we are all here for you. It will take a while for you to regain your trust again and personally, I'll be praying for you.
Do you have a Bible? If you do, look into Romans chapter 8. That will help a lot. Do you know that there is are groups that you can do Bible Study and also church right in your own home. So, at least for now, check into these groups and talk to the administrator of this group if you're interested.
Keep in mind, God is close to you and loves you. Let God take your pain and anger. Feel free to drop on by and let us know how you're doing. Thank you again for sharing with us. We all care about you. -
Reply #10 11/20/08 6:34pm
Anybody else who is reading this, feel free to post. Don't be shy. We're all here for each other.
Welcome
Join This Group
For a lot of us going out to church is not an option. I felt led to set up a place of worship more personal than TV evangelists who we're not able to communicate with one on one. I have preached before, so why not here where others could actually connect with the speaker and each other. Each week I will give a message from the Bible for anyone who misses being able to go to church. Welcome one and all!
