I am a betrayed spouse but I will chime in on this one. Can you suggest that he come to this group or the Out of the Fog group and ask other CSs for advice? Maybe if he hears how other people who are, or were in similar situations handled things it will help him sort through his feelings and make the right choice for all involved. Good luck.

this is for cheaters to come and get help and advise...you need to post this in rebuilding a marriage after an affiar group...not this one..

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity

That group told me to post it here.....I'm not judging, just asking for help from someone in this situation on the other side in hopes they would be more understanding and able to offer real advice instead of get a lawyer. No offense was intended.

The rebuilding marriage group is made up primarily of betrayeds and some cheaters who are past the affair and are looking for support and advice on how to rebuild their marriage after the affair has ended. It sounds like your H is not there yet and is still carrying on with the OW. Cheaters have a group called Cheaters Only that is exclusively for cheaters looking for support and advice where betrayeds are not allowed. Betrayeds are welcome here and if you are looking for insights and perspectives from cheaters there are some cheaters here who are willing to help you, but you may also want to consider posting in the Out of the Fog group since it seems like some cheaters here would like to see us betrayeds go away even though they already have their exclusive group.

The trouble is that there are fewer and fewer CS's here who are willing to help because it gets to be too hard to support the BS's, when that becomes primarily what's happening here.

If offering support to hurtingsobad is too much for you nosey, then don't. Move on past this post and don't worry about it.

But for the other members who are here, I think it is up to them whether or not they would like to respond to hurting. If they want to post, they can and if they don't then they don't have to. It really is as simple as that.

Hurting, there are some great people here that might be able to help you. Best of luck to you.

No problem. Meanwhile, is there any way to change the name of this group, just so people know what they're getting into? As BS's you won't form your own group, for some reason you think that won't be of any benefit to you. Yet y'all can come in here and ask whatever, sometimes offensive questions, you want under the guise of trying to understand us cheaters. Then, when we post something honest about what this is like for us, instead of trying to understand, you cry about how hard it is for y'all to hear our feelings about our OM, MM, or spouses.

What is wrong with asking someone to post in a group that might be less exhausted from self-defense and therefore more able to offer support and guidance?

THE ONLY REASON WE HAVE OUR OWN EXCLUSIVE GROUP IS BECAUSE WE COULDN'T COME HERE AND BE HONEST WITHOUT BEING ATTACKED!!!

How do you come in and take over a group and then get pissy when people are bugged that you've made it all about you???? This used to be a support group for cheaters, where betrayed spouse were "allowed" to post in a supportive manner. Now it's a support group for BS who want to pick the brains of CS but are too scared to rock their own boats. That's fine, if that's what you need, but can't we call a spade a spade??? Just looking at the first 20 topics that show when visiting this group, half are from BS looking for support or answers to their questions.

So now that we've formed our own group, after being bullied out of here, we should offer support to the BS in what has become your room? And If we don't want to we should stay out of it? THIS IS A SUPPORT GROUP FOR CHEATING SPOUSES!!!! NOT THE BETRAYED!!!! What a fricken pile. Why hijack our room when you can make one of your own? We might show up there and offer insight if you, as a group, were not inclined to judge and demand consideration and empathy. Truth be told, unless one of us has been the BS in the past, we can't be expected to empathize because we haven't had your experience. If you need support for what you've been through, and we have not, then who would be harmed by creating your own room? If toxic BS's show up, spewing venom, you could practice asserting yourselves and ban them. It can be empowering.

I actually think creating a new room is a great idea. Perhaps a Cheaters Q & A one where it's more for questions and answers rather than a "support" room.

cALL IT Cheaters and Betrayed.

I'm working on it.

Just so you know nosey, many of us BSs have been in this room far longer than you have. Regardless of the name, it used to be a great place for cheaters and betrayeds to come together and try to help each other and get understanding. Several BSs were actually invited to join this group in the beginning. We all got along well and used to joke around quite a bit. There was rarely ever the kind of tension and conflict that there is now. Then some cheaters came along who insisted on constantly telling us BSs that the room was all about them and if we didn't agree and support them we had no place here. Things have steadily gone downhill ever since. You have said that you were once a BS but you seem to have absolutely no empathy or tolerance for BSs.

You are right we do need another room and I am working on it. Then the few CSs who seem to dominate this room and the CO room can have two rooms all to themselves and they can be free from the BSs who want to share insights and ask questions to better understand cheating from the perspective of the CS. Of course you won't have the conflict that you seem to thrive on anymore but oh well.

"Yet y'all can come in here and ask whatever, sometimes offensive questions, you want under the guise of trying to understand us cheaters."

This statement seems to speak volumes to me. Maybe if instead of assuming that betrayed are here to torment you, make your life miserable, and offend you, you could catch on to the fact that it isn't about you. How much of an over-inflated ego do you have to have to assume that you are so important that people will actually take time out of their day just to torment you?

"Now it's a support group for BS who want to pick the brains of CS but are too scared to rock their own boats. That's fine, if that's what you need, but can't we call a spade a spade???"

As ami said, this room had cheaters and betrayed in her talking about the very same things that are being posted now, way before you joined. This isn't something new. What is new is the constant harrassment and the constant arguing. Why is it that because you believe that is why we are here, it must be so? When did you become all knowing?

We are not afraid to make our own group because we don't want to "rock our own boats". It is really simple...if we want to get insight into the mind of a cheater, if we want to know what our CS might possibly be thinking, if we want to know if it is possible for them to change things in their lives that they don't even know yet if they can change, then why in the world would we ask a group of betrayed? That would be like asking the barber what is wrong with my car. I suppose I can ask my barber about his car experiences, but that would not really get to the root of the problem would it.

At the same time while we are here asking questions (which again, we have been doing since before you ever got here, nosey), we are offering up our experiences, our stories, our insight to any CS who might want to pick our brain too.

And you know what? It is highly possible that one of the biggest obstacles that you might face in your road to rebuilding, recovery, or whatever it is you have chosen to do, is your apparent contempt for the betrayed and your lack of interest or concern for what they might be going through. The fact that you consider any comment, story, or experience shared to be whining from a betrayed would indicate you have a long road to travel.

"So now that we've formed our own group, after being bullied out of here, we should offer support to the BS in what has become your room? And If we don't want to we should stay out of it?"

You formed your own room on your own doing. Cheaters were asked if they wanted us gone and the majority said "No". No one said that you "should stay out of" this room. Stay all you want and if you don't like the post or you don't feel like sharing, then don't. Skip the post, you are not required to answer.

"Truth be told, unless one of us has been the BS in the past, we can't be expected to empathize because we haven't had your experience. If you need support for what you've been through, and we have not, then who would be harmed by creating your own room?"

First of all, you are openly admitting that you choose not to empathize with the betrayed, but in the past you have nearly demanded empathy and sympathy from us. I am not saying that we are not capable of it because we are and we have shown it more than once, but how do you expect from others what you refuse to give.

Second, again the betrayed are not here for a betrayed's perspective. There are about 4 other rooms where we can get that.

"If toxic BS's show up, spewing venom, you could practice asserting yourselves and ban them. It can be empowering."

I find this statement very interesting too. I can't personally imagine feeling empowered by excluding people from something. There might have to be a person asked to leave a group, any group, because of behavior or words spoken, but to derive pleasure from that or to feel powerful because you are controlling someone else seems wrong to me.


You know the name is the name is the name. It has been stated already, by the founder, the original intent of this room, hence the title. It has also been stated, by the original founder, that they are aware that the room has evolved into something different, not bad...just different than its original intent. As the people who were actively involved in this room, two years ago and even one year ago, moved onto different levels in their "rebuilding" or their "not rebuilding" the conversations and questions changed. What has changed in the last year is not so much the topics of conversation, but the people who are here conversing.

The betrayed did not come in here to terrorize or attack, most of us were invited here as we were looking for answers, and it is becoming extremely offensive and frustrating to be told that we are here to do harm when we are not.

I have already clearly stated that, if BS's are doing any harm, I recognize that it is not intentional. I never said you came here to do harm.

There is a huge difference between pleasure and empowerment.

When have I demanded empathy or sympathy from anyone here? Examples?

I have no roadblocks to my rebuilding, it's going fabulously well. If I have any animosity toward some BS's, it may be because I'm finding their responses have less to do with what I'm saying than the fact that I'm the person saying it. My first response in this thread is an exact copy and paste of tracylynn's response to another thread. No one has said a word to her there.

I have read almost identical statements here, from both BS and CS, and when it comes from a BS, it's deep and meaningful stuff. Said by a CS, it's offensive, hurtful, insensitive.

"If toxic BS's show up, spewing venom, you could practice asserting yourselves and ban them. It can be empowering."

I feel empowered by helping people, not by controlling them.