hairymick

Am I a Cheater?

Posted on 11/08/09, 10:58 pm

Hi guys,

Long story - short.

My wife of 20 years left me about 3 months ago to "find herself"

Leading up to this, the marriage had been rough for about 3.5 years with her threatoning to leave and threatoning me with other men etc.I feel that I did everything that I could to try to save the marriage with her refusing to even see a counsellor before she left. She was the love of my life

I was desolate when she moved out but have since begun to accept the reality of it. She has continued to remove her stuff from the family home and up untill a couple of weeks ago, gave no sign or hint that she was even considering coming back to me. .

One night, I was having my own little pity party here alone and posted my profile on a dating site, never expecting anything to come of it. After all, I am a middle aged man, burnt out and damaged goods etc etc

The next day I checked and had a raft of messages from ladies in the local area who were interested in meeting me. I have met and dated several of these ladies and have even met a special one who I would like to spnd much more time with.

Now, my wife who walked out on me, is acting all hurt and claiming that I have betrayed her and stuff.

What I would like to know is, does this qualify me as a cheater? If so, in what way have I cheated please. I just don't understand her thinking on this at all.

• Reply #1 11/09/09  3:56am
  
  invisible65
  No. And good for you for seeking out and finding some happiness. I think most of us here, betrayed and strayed, have all put a boatload of effort into our marriages before ending up here. If your wife was unwilling to work on things and walked away, how were you to know that she might change her mind? How much more of one short life do you let get away from you before you look for happiness? We only get one shot at this, don't miss a chance to be happy.
• Reply #2 11/09/09  8:25am
  
  inthepast
  You are most definitely not a cheater. I think you had every reason to expect once she moved out that the marriage was over, unless you guys had some agreement in place to continue to work on things.
  
  Lets say you DID have an agreement to still work on the marriage.... after 3.5 years of trying and her moving out, it would be hard for me to blame you for trying to see what else is out there. I am 34 and it's bee tough to think about starting over at my age.... it's nice to know that at ANY age there are a lot of wonderful people out there looking for love. I'm sure there are a lot of rotten onest out there too, but that's at any age. I hope you find someone and you make each other happy and can get over the pain of ending your 20 year marriage.
• Reply #3 11/09/09  12:34pm
  
  lovemarriage
  Not in my book. She left you!!!
• Reply #4 11/09/09  2:30pm
  
  wontbfooldagin
  I think it depends on what was discussed before she left. When couples separate it is sometimes agreed that they will date other people until they decide if they want to give the marriage another try or divorce. Others separate with the understand that they both just need a little space and that neither will see other people.
  
  It sounds to me like you did not cheat because she went so far as to remove her things and she had seen someone else. If she gave you no indication that she was coming back, I don't think you owed her your fidelity.
• Reply #5 11/09/09  3:16pm
  
  Shewolf101
  I don't think you had any choice in her leaving Mick. You didn't cheat. She left you.
  
• Reply #6 11/09/09  4:06pm
  
  MXeno
  I would suggest that if you intend to see other women, you get a lawyer and make your separation from your wife legal. I don't know anything about divorce law, but I would imagine that if it comes to that, you'll come out of it much better if you can show that she abandoned you; it will be a lot harder for her to demand alimony.
  
  No, you're not a cheater, but you should take some steps to make sure that she won't be able to convince a judge that you are.
• Reply #7 11/09/09  6:29pm
  
  MrsBlue
  Many people date while they are separated from their spouses. It's a fine line. Some religions state that a person must not date in any form, even during a separation, until the divorce is final because the couple is still legally married. But for most people, a separation is enough to start dating again.
  
  Seriously, did your wife expect you to do nothing while she went out and "found herself"? I agree with most of the people here. If she left, took all her things, and didn't give any evidence that she would be back, I consider you in the clear.
  
  But considering how much you do love your wife, this may be the thing that helps bring you back together. Tell her that only your "wife" gets a say in what you do. Since she has given up that position and title, she doesn't have a say. If she would like to reclaim the title "wife" she may move back in, go to counseling, and work to repair the marriage.
• Reply #8 11/09/09  9:58pm
  
  LadyofManyN...
  Cheating comes from the deception, not from the dating. Unless you both specifically agreed that you were separating to work on your marriage and weren't going to see other people, then no, you're not being deceptive and are not a cheater. Look at me, I never had any inappropriate physical contact with my OM but it's still considered cheating for the deception.
  
  To elaborate on MXeno's post, I know quite a bit about divorce law and in many states, you can't legally separate. He is right, take steps to protect yourself. A good lawyer could spin you just going to dinner with another woman as grounds for a fault divorce in your wife's favor. Please just research what your state law is. You've been through too much to have a nasty legal battle on top of it.
• Reply #9 11/09/09  10:32pm
  
  missu
  I'd have to say I really agree with Lady - your wife left you. You didn't deceive her, she gave you every indication she was moving on and you took the hint and moved on too.
  
  Definitely take the other posters advice about the divorce/separation/whatever. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...believe me I know.
• Reply #10 11/09/09  11:04pm
  
  hairymick
  Thank you guys.
  
  I didn't think I was cheating on her either. At one point I even asked her after she had moved out how she would feel if I were to start dating again and she told me she would "Probably have mixed feelings"
  
  There was very definately no agrreement not to date.
  
  re the legal thing, Yeah Guys I am on top of that, We have "no fault divorces" here and no alimony either (smile)
  
  Thanks for all the replies, My girl just called and wants me down at her place. I guess she misses me. (Big cheese eating grin here)

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.