i am in the same spot....i lacked self control when i had an affair and unfortunately i have lacked self control in the last 4 months since my husband threw me out of our home by not leaving him alone. I am FINALLY ready to show him AND myself that I can respect him and his need for time and space. He is very angry and I need to accept that and realize he is going to be hurt and angry and mean for as long as he needs to be. All I can control is myself and I have to start exercising that control by leaving him the f alone :)From this day forward, I dont want to do ANYTHING I may ever regret.....such as texting my poor h 20 times in a day..... (oops) good luck to you, mrs blue, wish me luck too :)
Discussion Topic
The greatest exercise in self-control
Posted on 11/08/09, 10:10 pm
I think I have found this whole experience to be the greatest exercise in self-control I have ever experienced. If my spouse is angry, I have to be even-keeled and understanding, empathizing with him. If I'm angry, I have to remain calm and express my needs in a non-threatening, loving manner.
Fitting, I guess, since a lack of self control is what got me into this mess in the first place.
Fitting, I guess, since a lack of self control is what got me into this mess in the first place.
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Reply #1 11/08/09 11:40pm
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Reply #2 11/09/09 9:15am
I agree with you guys... similarly, a lack of self control led me to here... my wife always asked why I just didn't leave her if I was going to stray. My real reply is that I thought the marriage was going to end anyway; I had been planning ahead for divorce anyway. My mistake was not trying to communicate earlier because if I had told her early on how I was feeling, I think this may have been avoided.
And yes, it's hard to continue to have self control while you are thought less of at home and know you could go find someone else who would think highly of you and put you on a pedistal where you should be with the love of your life instead of in a gutter where you have to sit for a long time if staying.
Aimee, to be honest I would have probably kicked my wife out too if she cheated, and I'm really surpised she didn't kick me out of the house. In your situation it's probably time to move on and find someone new; a new life and love where there is no bad history to continually have to think about. I think you will be much happier if you start to take steps to move on. It's not going to be easy, but it sounds like that will give you much more hope and happyness. -
Reply #3 11/09/09 12:32pm
As a bet. i have issues with self control myself. there are times when i'm angry and i want to lash out at my H. come back with a smart ass remark, because i'm mad, but i've learned not to do that. it never makes anything any better, it only makes things worse - for both of us.
i hardly ever bring up the A anymore. when i have brought it up in the past, it's like it sets us back. h gets really annoyed when i bring it up too. it makes him angry, which upsets me and makes me scared, so i've learned to just keep it to myself. if he wants to bring it up, and sometimes he will (rarely) that's fine.
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Reply #4 11/09/09 1:43pm
lovemarriage - I am in the exact same situation with my wife. She wants/needs to bring it up (I am the unfaithful one) to help her heal, but for me, I am trying to put it behind us and every time it comes up it brings all those hard feelings back. I feel like I just don't want to go through this anymore and the thought always crosses my mind that maybe I should move on. Not sure if your hubby thinks the same things, but I would guess maybe he is. Our counselor says we need to talk about it, but at some point it's not doing any good to go back over things. If she wants to know details about what happened, it's only going to hurt her and embarass me horribly to have to talk about it.
thanks for sharing though, because it always helps me to try to understand my wifes point of view -
Reply #5 11/09/09 2:18pm
inthepast - I think that if you want to repair your marriage you are going to have to put your Ws feelings ahead of yours to help her heal from the incredible pain your A caused her. I know that you are embarassed and ashamed, but try to think of her. Put HER on a pedestal. You say you deserve to be put on a pedestal, but is that what you were doing with your W when you cheated on her. When is it going to be her turn.
My H was also very ashamed of what he did, but he found that by allowing me to talk when I needed to, being calm, answering all of my questions, and being loving and kind, it helped to heal both of us and helped to take away some of the shame he felt by going overboard to put my feelings first. He understood that when I asked the same questions over and over again it was because I just did not understand why or how he could do some of the things he did and his responses just made no sense. By talking things out it helped him to understand why he did some of the things he did as well.
If you don't try to understand why you behaved the way you did and instead prefer to just sweep things under the rug and move on you will never gain the insight you need to avoid doing the same thing again. Your wife will not heal and her mistrust and pain will just continue under the surface. If it is too much effort for you to fix things and would prefer to find someone else to put you on a "pedestal" you probably don't love your wife enough to heal your marriage and have a happy life together and you probably should just move on. -
Reply #6 11/09/09 4:44pm
I think it's healthy and good for the A to be talked about, but at the same time, I think there comes a time when you have to stop talking about it and start talking about the future. If I allowed myself, I could probably come up with questions for the rest of my life, but I can't live like that and I can't expect my H to live that way either - not happily. It's been over a year, and unless H brings up A, it doesn't come up. I may have triggers, but most of the time, unless there severe, I keep them to myself or vent to a close friend. -
Reply #7 11/09/09 10:03pm
My therapist told me that when I have a trigger I should calmly tell my H that I am having a trigger and ask him to help me through it. It keeps us connected and makes him feel like he is helping me heal. Like wontbfoold said, sometimes when they are doing things to help us to heal it helps them to feel less ashamed and guilty. I have a tendency to withdraw when I feel a trigger and then my H feels shut out. Telling him what is going on and asking for his help does just the opposite and helps bring us closer together. -
Reply #8 11/09/09 10:29pm
For me it's been a lot about self control and a lot about humility. There was a lot of pride involved when I had my A. It truly got the better of me. I told my H everything he wanted to know...even the extremely gritty stuff and it was damn hard. Didn't do me a bit of good but I'm glad I did it anyway. I will have to continue to have this humility as he tells others of the A and tells them all the details as he has been inclined to do already with several people. I know there are plenty of bets who just go tell everyone though so I am lucky it's not everyone I know but it's still hard. Humility and self control are great skills so at least there is a bit of silver lining there. -
Reply #9 11/10/09 6:30am
self control and the lack of it...it is a lesson which is hard to learn.
my husband wont let me put him on a pedistal..he says he will be better when i am better. when i am healed of the issues that lead me to having the EA. I got so frustrated with him last night. he was trying to delete the photos of my OM from the computer..i couldnt tell him how uncomfortable i felt when i saw the pics. i kept tellinghim what button to push but he kept saying wait a sec...why did he keep wanting to look. just get rid of them...i could tell it was makinghim angry and i was learning so much self control last night... -
Reply #10 11/10/09 4:32pm
Wow missu, why would your H do that? I wouldn't go telling anyone the gory details my H has told me about his affair. It was humiliating to me to know the stuff he did with her so why would I want anyone else to know about something that was humiliating to me? I wish your H would go to therapy. He really sounds lost.
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