Shewolf101

Need some ideas and help

Posted on 11/08/09, 06:17 am

My daughter is 12 and asking questions.

The 1st OW was my friend of 31 yrs and almost like an aunt to her.

When all of this happened and she couldn't come around anymore (18 months ago) I told my daughter I would explain when she got older. She and I have always talked honestly about everything.

Well I found out she asked my sister about it yesterday. My sis of course told her she needed to talk to me.

I can't/won't make up some crazy story. I won't lie to her. That's a promise I made to her along time ago.
BUT I wouldn't want to put it in a way that she will think bad or less of her Dad. She is only 12.

Ok finally,lol My question. What would you want your spouse to say if it was your child?

I'm going to talk to my H but he won't want me to talk to her and I have to before some one else does.
She's asking questions,she wants to know. She will find out. It needs to come from me.
I posted this topic in my group "Once Upon A Time" But I really need all perpsectives. I have to get this right.
Any help would be great.

• Reply #1 11/08/09  7:58am
  
  lebe
  Sorry to hear that!
  
  If I was you, i would tell my daughter that there are boundaries and rules between all types of friends. When people cross those boundaries sometimes you need to remove them from your circle of friends because you cant trust them anymore.
  
  That said, i dont have kids so would be at odds of how to handle this too. However, If it was me I would not tell my child about the affair if I was staying in the marriage. If I was leaving the marriage, or if the child was ultra inquisitive and there was a chance they would find out from someone else, I would tell them. I would perhaps lessen the blow by simply telling her that your friend was sexually inappropriate with their father, and that she disrespected the friendship you had with her.
  
  Hope the talk goes ok x
• Reply #2 11/08/09  12:42pm
  
  LadyofManyN...
  If she is just asking about your friend, then you might just be able to leave it at she betrayed you. I know when I was in middle school, girls were malicious and mean and all used each other to try to catch the eye of the quarterback on the football team. They would turn on each other in a heartbeat if it meant that one would get what she wanted. And best of all, the favored way to make themselves look better was to make a "friend" look worse.
  
  If you just went into that your friend was inappropriate and you no longer trust her, then your daughter might leave it at that and your H would never come up. It wouldn't be a lie in the least, it just wouldn't be explaining everything.
  
  I know if I had had children, I wouldn't have wanted my spouse to tell them, I would have wanted to tell them - with him in the room. And if he insisted that he tell them, then I would have wanted to be in the room with a strict promise to keep my mouth shut. That way we would both hear exactly what they were told in case questions arose.
• Reply #3 11/08/09  4:00pm
  
  missu
  I want my children to know when they are older bu their dad doesn't want them to know. I have already faced the fact that I must someday tell them. Here's the thing. I don't know if you remember when you were twelve but I remember clearly. Above all I respected truth and honestly and when an adult would treat me like a person that had feelings and intelligence rather than just some kid who didn't know any better. You have an opportunity to shape the way your child deals with conflict and betrayal. You have an opportunity to shape the way your child handles forgiveness.
  Honestly if it was my situation I would prefer to be the one to tell my kids. In your case it is obviously different and you want to be truthful. I can't tell you from a betrayed standpoint but this is what I want my kids to know. I want them to know that I loved their dad with all my heart. I want them to know that sometimes people get into strange situations and they make choices that they don't realize will hurt someone else. Sometimes people make mistakes because they are confused and they are unsure of what they should do. You wanted to work it out with your H so I can't tell you your story. In my story my H didn't want to work it out with me. He is unable to forgive. I want my kids to know that people mess up and even if it hurts you forgiveness is always an option. Give her the option of understanding that her dad is a human being and forgiving him is something she should be able to do...but also let her know that you wanted to forgive him too and that he chose a different path. She is old enough. She can make her own decisions about how she wants to deal with that.
  
  guess what I'm trying to say is that you have the power to let her know that forgiveness is real and good but sometimes people choose not to accept that. We are all human. We all make mistakes and a bad behaviour shouldn't condemn us for our entire lives. That's what I would want my kids to know.
  I'm super emotional right now so take this with a grain or two of salt.
  
  Good luck She
• Reply #4 11/08/09  4:03pm
  
  emaries
  My daughter is 10 and has met the other woman...she knows that dad met her at work and decided that his feelings for her were stronger than his love for me and he decided to move in with her...I used clear yet, to the point language. I said that daddy will always love them - some things will never change but - some things will change...you won't see daddy everyday but - he will still love you everyday - you can phone him and talk to him any time you want...I have basically said that they are not bad people but that it is not right to be with someone else when you are married...my daughter asked me once "mom, shouldn't you be mad at dad?" and I just explained that I am mad and disappointed that he changed his mind but, that I will always be grateful for every minute I shared with him because I have them now...the two greatest gifts in my life...I think only you know what your daughter can handle...sometimes it better if you and your husband could talk to her together....I understand your issue with it being a close family friend but - I think you have to be honest about these things...they have a way of coming out and then your daughter may feel a sense of betrayal...like you lied by protecting her?...so hard to know whats right...best wishes to you...
• Reply #5 11/09/09  2:08am
  
  Shewolf101
  Thanks everyone.
  
  You've given me some good advice and some good ideas.
  I know how to re-arrange my talk with her now.
  
  Thanks a bunch!
  
• Reply #6 11/09/09  12:36pm
  
  lovemarriage
  I don't want my children to ever know, especially my daughter. but that's just me.

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