Discussion Topic
I read his texts
Posted on 11/07/09, 01:07 am
He went to be early...drunk again. I have only once intruded into his privacy but it was brief and I realized he pretty much deletes his texts as he sends them. But this time he was drunk so he didn't delete them all...most of them but not all. I found out he recently told his sister and that he is using me for sex...after all he's "just a man". I thought maybe he still has some feelings for me left. Wasn't I just a person? Didn't I need anything for the last five years he neglected me? Oh I guess that's not important...after all, it's all about him anyway. Every f==in thing for most of our years together has been about him and his pain never about me. Do you know what his excuse was? If he gave me what I wanted I would just want more? I'm sorry...marriage was supposed to be about give and take but all he did was take what I gave. Fuck that fuck him I would rather have been physically abused. He knew all about the abuse I suffered as a child...he knew and he still did it and now he wonders what happened to me. I feel like putting a knife through my throat right now.
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Reply #1 11/07/09 1:26am
Sorry...seriously...sorry I don't want to alarm anyone. I should have posted that in another group. -
Reply #2 11/07/09 7:35am
It's okay, it's probably appropriate here too. There are always better days ahead; you should find someone who appreciates you. I know that all sounds cliche' but it's really true.... when you find someone who loves you and treats you right, you will forget all about this and be happy with the new love you've found. -
Reply #3 11/07/09 10:15am
missu~I have followed your posts on CA for awhile now and can feel your pain in each and every one. I think you have hit your rock bottom and deserve to raise up and live again!!! Do this for you! Don't let this scum of a man decide who you are and what your self-worth should be. You are a woman with wants, needs and desires and DESERVE to be loved by someone. You WILL find someone who appreciates who you are, just dont rush into a new relationship. You have much healing to do from within. I strayed from my H and it has been a difficult road on both of our ends. We are choosing to TRY and work it out. We have two small children and I am doing this for them. Someone told me to look at what I would be losing.....and a family is a lot to lose, but in your case you have already lost your dignity, self esteem and only have MUCH TO GAIN by leaving. You owe it to yourself to be happy. You are in charge of your destiny take the bull by the horns and say "damn it, you will not treat me this way ANYMORE" I wish you the best!! -
Reply #4 11/07/09 12:56pm
How long has it been since d-day? Is this still fresh? He could be taking a long time to work through his anger.
I once told myself that I would give it two years. The first year for him to be seething mad and work through his anger. Another year to work on the marriage. If we couldn't get to a better place by then, it would be better off to divorce. I was grateful it didn't take that long.
Is there any way that you can focus on yourself for a little while? Not leaving or separating from him, just take time everyday to sit down by yourself and analyze how you are doing. Are you meeting your deadlines at work? Great, kudos for you. Are you making sure that you are fulfilling your childrens' needs? Wonderful, give yourself a pat on the back. Once you can see that you are doing worthwhile things and accomplishing much each and every day, it will help to raise your spirits. Then and only then, can you start to do extra--like finding ways to do little things for him that he will appreciate. You may not see any appreciation from him for those actions but that's not why you are doing them. You are being nice because you are a good person who finds value and joy from being a good person. You don't need validation from him to be in a good healthy mood.
Why am I telling you to do this? I think that if you focus on being a better person it can't help but rub off on him. Then as time passes and he is still behaving badly, you can make the decision to leave or stay. Only then will you know if you were being the source of angst in the marriage.
I know it sounds a lot like psychobabble but you really do have the power inside you to determine how happy you can be. Don't let someone else take that away from you. -
Reply #5 11/07/09 12:57pm
Also, please don't do that again--reading his texts. You don't need anything else that will bring you down. -
Reply #6 11/07/09 4:28pm
I won't read his texts anymore. Thanks all for your advice. I am in such a state right now I can't really write much but I really wanted to thank you for posting. I felt really bad for posting this, I don't what to look like I am just having a big pity party i just have some issues sometimes.
Oh and MrsBlue it's been a year last week since d-day. My H gets worse by the day I think. He has no interest in feeling better. He has lost all hope and is giving up his religion and everything else. I don't know how much of the blame I can take for all this. I don't know how much he feels I should take. Sometimes I get the impression that he blames me for all of it. He did tell me today however that he won't tell his family. That makes me feel a little better. -
Reply #7 11/09/09 12:41pm
Did H drink before A? Could the drinking be a part of his problem? if so, he's going to have to fix that or it want work. no-one deserves this kind of treatment. i don't know what you can do, but i think it's time to take some major steps forward in your life, with or without your H. -
Reply #8 11/09/09 9:48pm
He did drink before the A...alot actually....now he just drinks a lot and then some. He has a lot of problems but he doesn't want to get help for them and he never did before. Nothing has really changed that much except now he really can blame me for all his problems and he feels justified in doing so whereas before he blamed me for all his problems and felt bad about it sometimes. Yeah I know we need to move forward. He is not an easy person to extract from my life. He hardly has any money and it would be difficult for him to take care of himself. I'm hoping it will come sooner than later...I actually think moving out would be just as good for him as it would for me. Maybe he wouldn't drink so much who knows. He would have to take reponsibility for himself and his money and his bills and everything else. I'm not saying he never does anything but he doesn't do any real life things like taking care of finances or talking with creditors or cooking or managing money. I probably would never get an ounce of child support out of him but whatever. I'm sure he'll at least still give a lot of attention to the kids which to me is more important than anything. I guess I'm just in limbo waiting and hoping I have the ability to do something about it soon.
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