lovemarriage

Cheaters Anonymous

Posted on 11/04/09, 01:53 pm

What is the purpose of this room? What type of support and understanding are cheaters looking for?

This seems to be a HUGE issue and I for one would like to know exactly what the cheaters are looking for here. You say support and understanding but could you elaborate a little on what that means exactly?

I'm really struggling with this one. Everyone keeps saying they're tired of being judged, attacked, etc. So what are you looking for exactly? I'd really, really like for someone to spell it out for me. Really tell me the appropriate way this room should operate....

• Reply #1 11/04/09  6:26pm
  
  MXeno
  I can only speak for myself, of course, just as any of us can.
  
  We are a collection of good people who have done bad things, and regret them. We are often terribly confused by our own feelings and need someone who has felt the same things, and who can offer some clarity. We try to offer some measure of clarity in return.
  
  We are guilty. We have done a terrible wrong to those with whom we once exchanged vows of fidelity. We are consumed by self-loathing and often desperate for just one person who will say, "You're human, and humans make mistakes."
  
  We know that we brought this upon ourselves. We are nonetheless hurting from it and long for relief which we fear will never come. We share with each other our stories of recovery and try to offer hope.
  
  Sometimes we feel driven by something which we do not understand to repeat our crimes against our loved ones. We seek a way to make these terrible urges stop. We know that only someone who has felt it themselves can really understand.
  
  We wonder if our relationships can be saved. We wonder if they are worth saving. We wonder whether we deserve to be forgiven, or if we will ever be able to forgive ourselves even if our loved ones do. We live with the constant, relentless burden that the pain we feel was all our own fault. We can expect sympathy from no one except each other. Sometimes we receive it from others, even from those who themselves were betrayed by people like us, but we know we cannot and should not expect that.
  
  We know that people will judge, people will attack, people will hate us for what we've done. Most of us have already acknowledged our guilt and our responsibility. We don't need to have it pounded into our heads what worthless scumbags we are. We KNOW that. Hearing it again and again doesn't help anything.
  
  We aren't here to support each other as cheaters. We are here to support each other as those who once were cheaters, and will do whatever it takes to atone, to make amends, to earn back love and trust, and to feel like human beings again instead of pieces of dirt.
  
  We want to help each other become better people. Anyone who needs that help or who can offer it should be welcome here. We made terrible mistakes, and now we're trying to do what's right. Surely that's worth a little support and understanding, and a little freedom from those who would rather spit venom at us. In any event, that's something we do to ourselves far more effectively than anyone else could ever hope to.
  
• Reply #2 11/04/09  6:48pm
  
  wontbfooldagin
  MXeno - You are human and humans make mistakes. You deserve to be forgiven. You are not a worthless scumbag or a piece of dirt and I am not here to spit venom at you. I don't hate you, or anyone other cheater, for what they did.
• Reply #3 11/04/09  7:21pm
  
  atcrossroads
  Lovemarriage,
  
  I started the group because the Infidelity group was not the place for cheaters, yet I had things to say.
  
  I wanted to say things like, "I don't know what to do.....is my marriage worth it? Is my OM worth it? What brought me here? I feel so alone"
  
  Those types of things, you CAN'T say in the Infidelity room. The betrayed have a clear view on things to a certain degree. They are angry, they want their husband or wife to reverse time and undue the damage that was made.
  
  Cheater's Anonymous was not really for the betrayed, however because so many betrayed have come to this group with an open heart and good advice, and because the Cheater's are willing to hear from the other side, if that person is capable of speaking with a cheater respectfully, then the group continues to grow with all sorts of personalities.
  
  This is not a place for encouraging people to stay in affairs. This is sometimes a place where people go before they decide whether to stay in their marriage or break it off entirely. Sometimes people stay in limbo for a very long time. The longer people stay quiet and are unable to talk about their situation, their feelings, their confusion, etc., the less likely they are going to get good advice that could really benefit from them.
  
  Why, may I ask, are you in this group? Are you here to seek understanding? Is it possible you can get understanding by just reading posts rather than participate, or is participating crucial for your understanding?
• Reply #4 11/04/09  7:51pm
  
  clrhas2
  atcrossroads, I would like to ask one question please.
  
  Is it not the expectation that everyone is treated with respect here, the betrayed as well as the cheaters?
  
  Because to be honest, it is not always the betrayed that lash out first. I would say it is about 50/50 and we are all guilty of letting emotion get the best of us here and there.
  
  Sometimes the simple truth of the situation for a betrayed upsets or angers a strayed and it was never the intention of the betrayed to anger anyone; they just were trying to explain their position in an effort to help. The betrayed is called out and words get all twisted and the original intent is lost. This happens often and then defenses are up and the gloves are on.
  
  I thought that the respect thing was to go both ways and if it did then some of this would never happen.
  
  By the way, the INF room in not really for the betrayed that want to rebuild either. It is a toxic room and although I visit here and there, mostly when I am feeling like I want to be angry, I try to avoid it most days. The Rebuilding group is more for those that are really on a good path to rebuilding and that is not where I am in my relationship. So this room is as close to my situation as there is here. My H is still deeply involved in his affair and I am still desperately trying to understand him and what is going on in his head. So I am as lost as so many of the cheaters here, but with slightly different feelings. Although at this point I appear to be in exactly the position many of you were when you started your affairs. I am not the priority in my H's life, I am scratching and clawing for his attention and for him to see how good things could be if he would just try, I am walking on eggshells because it seems like everything I do is wrong. Something major is missing in my life and it is tearing me apart. It would seem that the only real difference is that I haven't had an affair with someone.
  
  
• Reply #5 11/04/09  7:51pm
  
  MrsBlue
  The infidelity group has too many people for whom the wounds are too fresh and they want to lash out at any cheater because they themselves are hurting.
  
  This support group allows me to talk with people who understand what it is like to be in my place. I can come here and people understand why I still have feelings sometimes for my OM. I wouldn't get much sympathy in the infidelity group for that.
  
  I can speak freely here without the drama of the infidelity group. You mention judging in your post. Ultimately, no one wants to be judged, whether you are a cheater or a betrayed. The best solution for helping another person is not to judge them but to encourage them towards more appropriate behavior. There isn't any gentle encouragement going on in the Infidelity Group. It is nice to have a group that is moderated so that the venom-spitters can't go around flaming whomever they like.
  
  I like having the perspective from betrayeds because it helps me to stay grounded and understand what the situation is like from the other side.
• Reply #6 11/04/09  8:49pm
  
  wontbfooldagin
  I also do not go to the infidelity group because of the haters. Hearing over and over again "leave him, leave her, dump them" is not constructive and offers no insight or understanding what so ever.
  
  I have always tried to be open minded and this group allows me to view things from other perspectives which is interesting and helpful. I see that many cheaters are conflicted and appreciate a view from the "other side" in addition to the support and understanding they get from other cheaters and I respect them immensely for that. I try to remain respectful and explain my position even when I am clearly being misquoted, misunderstood, and shown disrespect.
• Reply #7 11/04/09  9:45pm
  
  missu
  I have to say that I smiled when I read your post lovemarriage because not long ago you gave me one of the very things I came to this site to find. Understanding. You told me that although you in no way condoned my actions, you understood my need. That was huge for me, it was something I was truly hoping to hear and I sincerely thank you for it still. We are not here because we think what we did was right. We are not here to brag and share war stories and laugh over them. It is the general consensus in this room based on my experience here, that cheating is wrong, it hurts people and we are sorry. I feel like sometimes people in this room are afraid to express understanding, sympathy, compassion and like emotions because they do not want to be labeled or feel as though they are condoning the act. Let's set it straight now, noone here is doing that . All we want is to be able to share a painful experience with others who can possibly, through unveiling their reasons and fears and experiences, shed some light on how one winds up in such a mess in the first place.
  
  Just as being betrayed by someone you love is a crushing experience which can really only be understood and empathized fully with those like you, being a cheater is a bewildering and painful experience that is, it seems, widely misunderstood and stigmatized to the point where we really have nowhere to go and noone to talk to who can understand. We are shamed to silence. Again let me say we are not here to feel good about our actions but rather to better understand how they came about and hopefully not repeat our mistakes later in life. This room can give light and understanding to those who have made the mistake but not taken it too far and not had to deal with the consequences yet or maybe who are trying to understand why and what they should do next. It can give strength to those who are finding it difficult to stay away from the OM or OW. It can give a shoulder to cry on for those going through the pain of the aftermath regardless of which side of the fence they are on. It can help us understand ourselves and others and how we really feel, and most of all it can create an environment where compassion and understanding for the errors of our humanity exists allowing us the ability to forgive ourselves and move forward through a many times devastating tragedy.
  
  The bottom line is that in this room at least, we are all human and we all make mistakes and we are particularly focused on one specific mistake. We all agree it's a mistake. Just trying to explain ourselves or our views does not equal justifying our actions, it just equals looking for some measure of understanding or some connection in a human experience.
• Reply #8 11/04/09  10:26pm
  
  imsmarternow
  Here, here, and I completely agree with you missu, but from what I have read lately not everyone agrees that their affair was a mistake, that it was wrong, that it hurts people, and that they are sorry. It is a little more difficult for the betrayeds to have compassion and sympathy under those circumstances.
• Reply #9 11/04/09  10:48pm
  
  invisible65
  I didn't know that I had to regret my actions to be supported here. Apparently I am in the wrong room.
• Reply #10 11/05/09  12:41am
  
  DAB70
  I didn't come here to bash Cheaters. Just wanted to understand (and for the record, folks have been nice to me here). I have to deal with my STBX wife for a long time, so I thought it would be good to know where she came from when she did what she did. Believe me, there are plenty of forums to bash on if you're looking for that, but I wouldn't do that here.
  
  I'll leave, though, if I'm not welcome. I understand it ain't my room. But I do appreciate the insight I have gained.

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.