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  BreatheEasy (07/29/09)

  Deranged Redneck Spoof Writer Blows Up San Francisco Onion Headquarters Written by The San Francisco Onion Story written: 28 July 2009 Tags: Rednecks, Morse, San Francisco Onion "It's a lucky thing I stepped out to use the bathroom." - SFO SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A less than regular contributor to The Spoof known as Morse drove a Yellow Rider truck full of explosives to California late last night and blew up the San Francisco Onion's home office. Security cameras caught site of the vitriolic halfwit exiting the vehicle shortly before it exploded, blowing a gaping hole in the side of the building and scattering debris as far as Oklahoma City. "You know, I should have seen this coming," said the SFO's founder. He indicated the uncompassionate conservative had become "agitated" the day before when science and hard facts entered a political discussion, followed by his being spoofed in an allegorical piece about his contribution to global warming. "An allegori-whatsit?" said the hate-mongerer shortly before he lashed out, his fury finally motivating his sorry ass to publish an article or two full of bile-ridden, incendiary drivel that would make even Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh green with envy. Psychologists found some parts of the inflammatory spoofs "intriguing." "When people point out other people's character flaws," explained SFO staff psychologist Ginger Steele, "they tend to point out the same ones they have. It's very common. People project their own traits onto other people, partly because that's what they are most familiar with, and partly because most people subconsciously want to believe others are just like them. "Does this mean Morse is a frustrated loner, a closet case, and secretly yearns to be with a cucumber? Only time will tell." Morse does have a tendency to seek companionship online, playing the "yes man" in The Spoof's discussion forums daily and inserting vegetal intercourse into the conversation, while seldom contributing any humorous articles. Aspiring spoof writers would be well advised not to piss this guy off, or talk about gun racks or rednecks, not to mention economics, science, mathematics, nutrition, the environment, or anything else too complicated to fully wrap his mind around, as he is just smart enough to be dangerous and likely to strike again. The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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  digitinc (05/23/09)

  PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island - After years of evading capture Osama Bin Laden's flight has ended. He was captured by the Pawtucket Police Department as he sat in room 19 at a downtown Pawtucket Motel 6. Captain Payton Basilicatta of the PPD said that he and his team of 24 officers barged into the room and captured Bin Laden who was sitting on the bed watching The Jerry Springer Show, while eating a Provolone Italian Grinder Submarine Sandwich and some Little Debbie Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. Basilicatta said that the 6 foot 6 inch Bin Laden did not put up a fight. an unnamed officer said that Bin Laden's first words were "Hey dudes! What-up!" Bin Laden was immediately placed in handcuffs while still holding one of the Little Debbie Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. Officers recovered his video recorder along with a pair of size 14 desert sandals, a Sand Flea Designer Robe, two pairs of boxer shorts, and a "Someone Visited Karachi And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt." He asked one of the officers if they were filming an edition of "Cops"! The motel manager, Igone Cheaper, told Captain Basilicatta that Mr. Bin Laden had registered two days ago using the alias Mustafa Maliki Bush, Jr.
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  BreatheEasy (05/17/09)

  Health Care Death match is beginning in Washington Written by wirehead Story written: 12 May 2009 Tags: Barack Obama, Health, Health Care US medical care: Harry got laid off, Louise's premiums are up and their kids have moved home WASHINGTON (CNN) -- It's hard not to be cynical about the prospects for the passage of serious health care reform according to CNN's Gloria Borger. After all, those who remember Hillary Clinton's know how spectacularly it collapsed. The special interest opposition, the lack of congressional will and the mistake Bill Clinton made in putting Hillary in charge of the program. Hillary was very secretive and even alienated people within the Democratic Party. So when President Obama appeared with a host of groups representing the drug industry, doctors, and hospitals to declare "a watershed event," people started whispering. After all, their plan to cut the rate of growth of national health care spending by 1.5 percent every year for the next 10 years was gigantic in scope. That's more than $2 trillion. Of course, 20 per cent of the Gross Domestic product (GDP) is spent on health care. In the US we spend about as twice as much as other nations. During the Clinton era, he health care industry was railing against reform with its "Harry and Louise" ads, which convinced voters that everyone would have to join an HMO. Bill Clinton has been called an 'incrementalist' by many Democrats because he preferred the middle road rather than the high road. Hillary health plan was, in fact, a bare bones HMO. Some senior Democrats though the program might have succeeded if Medicare had simply been extended to additional age groups. So, what's happened? In the intervening years, says one White House adviser, "Harry got laid off, Louise's premiums are up ... and their kids has moved home." In other words, the world has changed. Health care providers have decided they would rather move health care reform forward than get trampled by it. Employers concur because of their cost increases. (A Wall Street Journal statistical analysis shows that employer costs for health care have more than doubled over the last 15 years.) If health care is going to happen, they would prefer a seat at the table with the government. Americans have been telling pollsters they're fed up with the cost of health care. This is why you hear Obama often describe health care reform as a cost savings issue, rather than an issue of universal coverage. However, with one in five Americans without health care coverage, universal care is the bigger issue. So where does this go from here? To the drawing board. Unlike Clinton, Obama has decided to leave lots of the details to Congress. While he has more Democrats than Clinton had, he also has an idea that infuriates insurers and is unpopular with lots of members of Congress of both parties: a new public insurance program that would compete with private insurers. Some see it as a way to doom private insurance. In fact, it will not, but private insurance will have to be a lot more competitive than it is used to. The US should take a close look at the public health care systems in the UK, Canada and France who have had public health care systems for many years. It is likely that wealthy American will continue with private insurance and the average American will select public health to keep costs down. France has an option in which private supplemental insurance can be purchased to so patients receive more timely care. Most doctors could also provide virtual doctor's offices care using software like Microsoft Net Meeting to examine patients over Wide Area networks (WAN) using web cams and microphones. This would cut down on office visits which cripple doctor's offices. If you read the following joke by Samuel D Uretsky you will understand why passing health care legislation will be difficult to pass. For sure, it would never have happened if Senator John McCain had been elected president. Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers Â… those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable." The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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  BreatheEasy (04/18/09)

  Obama's Five Year Plan Written by Yuri Nostram Thank you for your rating, Your vote has been counted and is reflected above. You have already rated this item, Thank you for your support. Story written: 12 April 2009 Tags: Barack Obama Novice US president Barack Obama caused a furore in political circles this weekend with the announcement that he plans to initiate a Five Year Plan to kickstart the flagging, artificially credit-supported economy. Critics of the president, notably the Christian fundamentalist ultra-right Nazis who typify American politics were outraged that he was drawing the country towards socialism. An outline of his plan is to turn the entire automotive industry's production over to the manufacture of clumsy, mechanically unreliable tractors and to drastically reduce unemployment by randomly and forcibly employing one in five citizens in monstrous heavy engineering and hydro-electric projects...and uranium mines. Other features of the plan include cutting down on consumer goods production to the point that by 2012, to quote a White House spokesman, "there will be nothing on the shelves except vinegar, vodka and sneaker whitener. If there's nothing to buy then people won't need credit. If there's no credit, then there's no credit crunch". I managed to contact Mr. Obama by telephone at his dacha on the black sea but in his own words he was "too stoned to speak right now". The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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  BreatheEasy (03/24/09)

  You are here: Home / Science & Technology / BT Announces Super-Fast Broadband Sites BT Announces Super-Fast Broadband Sites Written by Dungeekin Story written: 23 March 2009 Tags: Technology, BT, Broadband Internet down a fibre - or, if you prefer, noodle. Telecoms giant BT have announced the first locations where substantial numbers of customers will have access to fibre-based super-fast broadband via the firm's network. Areas of Belfast, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Manchester will be among the first locations, bringing new ways of losing Internet access to approximately 500,000 homes and businesses. A BT Broadband Services Manager, speaking from the UK Operations HQ in Mumbai, said, "In this climate of increased Internet use and competition from cable providers, we at BT are being aware that our normal system of modems that can't synch, cretins on the Helldesk and charging for an 8MB service when only providing 2Mb isn't going to cut it. We are needing to ensure that our users are experiencing the absolute ultimate in poor quality-of-service, and the new fibre service will be allowing us to be giving this to customers". The firm has pledged to spend £1.5billion by 2012 on enhanced software systems which will provide a 98% guarantee that user's downloads will fail when at 98% completed, and that the remaining 2% of traffic will suffer the required level of file corruption. A planned software upgrade to ensure that broadband services are lost when streaming TV is used is also in the pipeline. The services manager added that the new Business services would also have enhanced capability, including the facility to monitor hosted websites and ensure that they crash whenever new content is uploaded. Another spokesperson explained that the new high-speed fibre technology would lead to a change in the advertisements, including scenes of Esther Hall streaming naked videos of herself. Sales of tissues in computer shops all over the UK have surged as a result. The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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  BreatheEasy (03/17/09)

  New study shows women talk longer Written by NODDY Story written: 13 March 2009 Tags: Women, gossip A two-year study by experts from the University of Dungeness, Kent, has shown that women talk about 18% more than they did ten years ago, a rise of 40% on the 1970's. The rise is being put down to the increased use of mobile phones, although Professor Putz, who carried out the survey, says that the figure would be more like 75% without internet "chatter" such as MSN etc. The study makes depressing reading for men, who often struggle to get a word in edgewise. "If this trend continues, by 2020 men will only have 12% of available time to air their own views" says Doug Downshire of Relate, the marital problems advisors. "There is a trend developing where women have two mobile phones so they can have two conversations at once", he contiued. "Men over fifty will remember the halcyon days up to the 1970's, when women spoke when spoken to, and always replied with respect - often calling their husbands 'sir'". Professor Putz is 87. The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious
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  BreatheEasy (03/13/09)

  UK cities install black street lights In an effort to cut costs and help the environment, all British cities changed their street light bulbs from orange ones to black ones today. 'This will lower greenhouse gases and provide jobs for thousands of tea-drinking council workers', Prime Minister Gordon Brown said, 'and the new bulbs will only last one week before suddenly going out, cutting more electricity costs. This will also provide further jobs for unemployed muggers, and help to end discrimination against pervies that hang around bus shelters.' The new bulbs are part of the Labour government's commitment to the environment, and further proposals for energy reduction include fitting black bulbs in car headlights, and black ones in football stadium floodlights. Home Secretary Jacqui Blair also said: 'We will also be looking into the possibilty of taking the engines out of cars, to cut carbon dioxide emissions, and using solar power to run trains. And by 2012 all domestic flights by aeroplane will be replaced by hot-air balloons, we are having talks with VirginOnTheRidiculous Air chief Sir Branston Pickle about that. This government is committed to lowering fuel costs.' But in the House of Commons, Opposition leader David Campbelltown said: 'This government should BE committed! What's the point of having street lights if nobody can see anything? And under us the rail and bus networks were run into the ground so badly that they will probably never recover - now THAT'S the way to save energy. The orange lights and privatisation of public transport were part of our heritage, the heritage that lead to the death of the Tory party. Oops, I mean, er ...' Meanwhile, sales in pocket torches and personal attack alarms soared in Britain, and street patrols by police forces were cut yet again to an all-time low. The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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  BreatheEasy (03/12/09)

  David Van Day Gatecrashes Kilimanjaro Triumph Story written: 07 March 2009 Van Day - "Old Tosser" Nine celebrities who have been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in aid of Comic Relief, reached the summit as dawn broke this morning - only to find has-been wannabe celebrity, David Van Day, waiting for them with champagne. Nearly £1.4 million has been raised by the celebrities, including GMTV host Ben Shephard and DJ Chris Moyles, with some of the team enduring altitude sickness and exhaustion on their ascent to the top of the 19,300ft (5,900m) mountain. Girls Aloud's Cheryl Cole and presenter Fearne Cotton, who were among the first to reach the summit, were said to be 'fucking livid' when they saw Van Day posing for OK magazine and thanking the British public for their support. An eye witness described how West End Star Denise Van Outen, who is to wed Lee Meade soon, reportedly screamed "What the fuck is that old tosser doing up here?" and tried to pull off his newly improved toupe and 'Strictly Come Dancing' Champion Alesha Dixon had to be restrained when she attempted to push him off the summit. The final straw came when Van Day (72) began performing a song penned especially for the climb entitled "Kili Kili Kili We're Celebrities and we're Silly" and tried to persuade Boyzone's Ronan Keating and Take That's Gary Barlow to release it with him as a charity single. Asked if he regretted spoiling the charity climb, Van Day told reporters "I had to join the expedition a little later than the rest of them, because Dollar had an important gig at South Shields Working Men's Club. I'm a celebrity just like them and I've almost got the same surname as Denise Van Outen. This is just sour grapes because I got here first." (The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.)
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  digitinc (02/19/09)

  Apple unveil a new car /// Apple have decided to move into the automotive industry and have launched a direct competitor to the Smart Car, with double the price tag. The new super-mini will be called the iCar Nano, and comes complete with a link to iTunes and an iPod dock so that a continuous stream of music can accompany any journey. Although it is a two seater, there is only one door, to aid with the design ethos of the vehicle. The car featured on a recent episode of BBC2's Top Gear motoring magazine show, and was favourably received by the style conscious Richard Hammond, and safety conscious James May, whilst Jeremy Clarkson dug into his back-catalogue of Viz comics to call it the most pointless thing since a broken pencil. The first model released does not have wheels, although a second edition, the 4W, comes with the more traditional four. Both versions have the same engine, but the 4W goes much faster than the original Nano, reaching the heady speed of 30 miles an hour, much less than the Smart Car, but in more style. With a three litre fuel tank, the car can do an impressive forty-miles between refilling, which may be a lesser range than the Smart Car, or indeed, the Sinclair C5, but with a greater miles per gallon figure. The car features a host of innovative features, such as the patented multi-touch steering wheel, an integrated SatNav, privacy glass covering most of the car, and a patented fuel cap located in the centre of the underneath of the car - awkward to reach, but stylish and novel. Customer uptake of the car has been impressive in the initial weeks, though professional reviews have been less than favourable. "It doesn't go around corners," said Clarkson. "It doesn't go uphill; it only plays tunes by Queen and Madness, and you cannot get it to navigate you to anything other than an Apple Petrol station. Our nearest one is in San Diego, and the fuel tank won't get you that far." James May had bought the original, wheeless version: "It's a superb safety feature, and almost impossible to crash." "Who cares about all that?" said Richard Hammond pointing to the Cool Wall. "Just look how it looks!"
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  digitinc (02/19/09)

  UK Sub Rear-ends Froggie Bathosphere /// In the post Nuclear era when only North Korea and Iran are neck to neck in a new atomic arms race, no one expected that ancient rivals France and England would be bumping uglies beneath the seven seas. But so it goes as a thermonuclear submarine from the British navy came into close contact with a French Bathosphere's backend. Rear Admiral Nellie Fuxenfrogs of the RBN said that he was just cruising along at top speed when he felt quite a big bump: "I've penetrated a big rump or two in my many naval days but this somehow seemed different. We went about our merry gay way and only discovered the damage back in port." French Bathosphere Pilot PeeWee Pewhee described the close encounter in a more romantic way: "Ah ave bean snuggleded and spooneded many tie-mez under the deep blue sea but ah wheel neva foget this rearend rendevous...oooh la la! C'est, c'est bon! Magnifique!"

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