OMG!!! That makes 2 of us. I don't know why....but, I want to just...be rid of myself. I want people to be rid of me too, so they don't have to put up with me. To make leaving easier.
I admit, I have a death wish...however a part of me is scared to follow through...while another part of me is wondering what's taking so long. I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I know...it's hard. Especially to come out of it. :( I'm here for you. :)
Discussion Topic
Losing my battle.
Posted on 11/03/09, 09:48 pm
Hi Everyone,
It's always a chore for me to write anything on here, because I usually tell myself that there's no point because it won't change anything anyway. But anyway I thought I'd share my thoughts for whatever good it does.
I'm finding myself caring less and less about the things in life that I should care about. This feeling of apathy keeps coming over me and lasting longer and longer, and I'm realising now that it's a precursor to me trying to kill myself. The problem is I guess that this time I'm not in a drug and alcohol fueled haze to blame the thoughts on. I've been clean and sober for over a year now, in a relationship with someone I love and no financial debts to speak of anymore. I'm in the situation that I craved so much for when I was out of control all those years, and now I feel myself worse than ever before, and I say worse, because I can feel every aching minute of how hopeless and helpless I feel.
I'm just looking for excuses now. An argument with my girlfriend. The 3 hour traffic jam that is my trip to work in the morning (which I just quit because of, and I can't even find any emotions to care about the fact I just threw in my job.) As soon as something upsetting happens, I find myself turning off my emotions.. which strangely enough was what I did as a kid to deal with the problems I faced growing up. I feel like something goes wrong every day that I can't deal with and there is nobody who can help me deal with them. I just don't want to be alive anymore. The pain I used to feel from being overwhelmed with how hard life is is now just an emptiness where I feel nothing at all.
Why should I work only to know that I'll die when I get older anyway? Why should I save money for a house for a girlfriend I seem to manage to upset all the time? What is the point of anything anymore? Nobody has an answer to that question for me. (I don't believe in religion, so any answers from those groups are moot for me). I don't think I'll be able to keep fighting much longer.
It's always a chore for me to write anything on here, because I usually tell myself that there's no point because it won't change anything anyway. But anyway I thought I'd share my thoughts for whatever good it does.
I'm finding myself caring less and less about the things in life that I should care about. This feeling of apathy keeps coming over me and lasting longer and longer, and I'm realising now that it's a precursor to me trying to kill myself. The problem is I guess that this time I'm not in a drug and alcohol fueled haze to blame the thoughts on. I've been clean and sober for over a year now, in a relationship with someone I love and no financial debts to speak of anymore. I'm in the situation that I craved so much for when I was out of control all those years, and now I feel myself worse than ever before, and I say worse, because I can feel every aching minute of how hopeless and helpless I feel.
I'm just looking for excuses now. An argument with my girlfriend. The 3 hour traffic jam that is my trip to work in the morning (which I just quit because of, and I can't even find any emotions to care about the fact I just threw in my job.) As soon as something upsetting happens, I find myself turning off my emotions.. which strangely enough was what I did as a kid to deal with the problems I faced growing up. I feel like something goes wrong every day that I can't deal with and there is nobody who can help me deal with them. I just don't want to be alive anymore. The pain I used to feel from being overwhelmed with how hard life is is now just an emptiness where I feel nothing at all.
Why should I work only to know that I'll die when I get older anyway? Why should I save money for a house for a girlfriend I seem to manage to upset all the time? What is the point of anything anymore? Nobody has an answer to that question for me. (I don't believe in religion, so any answers from those groups are moot for me). I don't think I'll be able to keep fighting much longer.
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Reply #1 11/06/09 3:48am
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Reply #2 11/07/09 11:05pm
I seriously know exactly how you feel. And I want to start by saying good for you for actually writing something. I also have a very hard time making myself write anything because I just feel that it's pointless. If it's any consolation, your post made me feel slightly better. It was nice to know that someone else out there knows how I feel.
I'm also struggling with prolonged periods of apathy, and like you, each time it lasts longer and longer. I've also pretty much given up on the things the used to matter to me... I just can't make myself care no matter how hard I try. I just feel so much hopelessness and despair, and like you said, I feel like no one can help me. Like I'm completely alone. My emotions stop me from doing anything productive, or even forming goals.
I wish I could help you, or tell you why we should keep trying, but I honestly don't know. I keep trying for my husband because I love him deeply, and I've experienced the pain of losing someone before, and I don't want him to ever have to feel that too.
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Reply #3 11/08/09 2:35am
I know how you feel. I think about suicide every day and it's getting worse cos i am thinking about all options and planning. You have to take one day at a time, i know that sounds stupid, it's sort of working for me.
Most days i feel too that every minute is painful. Have you talked this through with your girlfriend? Maybe you could plan to do some fun stuff, even though you might not feel like doing it. -
Reply #4 11/14/09 8:35am
same here i now how you feel and like you amt2 i do all that too, small world. try and take you mind away from things ie a flim music or a walk.it never easy that i do understand. but like amt2 said talk to you mrs. i have no one so i have to fight each day to get a grip on things.i have my son leo photo evey were that reminds that " dad you have to keeping on going" when we have given up. try to be up beat my freind that all i can say, as i no it hard for all of us, but we are all freinds and have to fight for each other, chin up and be happy :-) and the very best of luck -
Reply #5 11/21/09 10:00pm
I bounce back and forth, but I feel like that a lot of the time too. And sometimes I prefer switching off the emotions to having to feel anything. When I get like that, it isn't always about wanting to die, but often when I'm like that I just want everyone else to go away and leave me alone. And people won't! They won't just let me be. Eventually what happens is they push and they push until I start snapping at everyone around me, and then they get all mad at me for being bitchy. There wouldn't even BE any conflict if people would just leave me alone! So, do you come out of your apathy on your own eventually? I find that I can, even if it takes a while, unless people mess with me.
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Support for those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well know
