I am not sure how to explain this, but I many of my issues result from a lack of a strong enough identity and not being able to form secure enough attachments to those closest to me - especially and mostly with an intimate partner.

I suppose it does not help that I have a boyfriend who threatens me with abandonment out of frustration when I am being particularly difficult or when something is bothering and I am almost immediately suppressed by the problems resulting from his less major personality issues.

But then that is the crux of the matter - "being particularly difficult." I realize when I am feeling very borderline - when I know I am spinning out of interpersonal, emotional, and mental control. And I can't seem to stop the tidal wave of a shit storm.

I feel my disorder tends to attract me to difficult relationships (or at least right now, a challenging one with enough good things to hang in there for,) that make it even more difficult for me to assert needs and personal values, etc.

Like I thought tonight about why I am making a chaotic hell of things that has ended with me three times self-injuring out of fear and frustration. I have all this repressed anger out of fear of abandonment, not feeling like I can separate myself from an "iffy" relationship (that for all I know, could be in my head or of my own making due to a persistent pessimism.)

And I feel in the end, it all comes down to a lack of a strong enough self-identity, including a good sense of core values, likes and dislikes. I have had ample time in which to discover and refine my most definite sensibilities or how something makes me feel deep down on a very real and non-judgmental level towards myself.

So instead of feeling like I can come out and say what I want, say what I mean, stick with my boundaries and decisions and assert them in an effective manner (even in relationship to myself), I go and make a borderline hell of it all. I get lost in the confusion of blaming myself, shaming myself, and coming out the totally irrational and sorry one in the end. I say to myself, "That damn BPD stuff again and whatever else...."

And when it is all over, I'm wondering why I am not just saying what I mean, considering what I am afraid of, and asserting a stance on an issue that is very real to how I feel and want to be on a definite and rational level.

In terms of my relationship, I know some of this is partly because my gut told me not to date this person in the first place, I didn't like or approve of certain things about him, and he blows up at me and intimidates me with his own anger. And yet part of me also sees the good in being with him and I am amazed I have hung in with this relationship for a second time for almost a year now. Relationships for me usually only last as long as 3 months.

But then this also has to do with the strengths of him too, even accepting me (though ignoring or forgetting how much I have told him) after finally letting him on the fact that I suffer from C-PTSD and some variant or fringe of BPD (this has come from two different therapists who have not been totally sure about me.) He didn't even flinch.

Anyway, I am getting off subject - but I am trying to use my current relationship to discover what I need to heal and to work on. I have decided that a lot of is coming to terms with my lack of assertiveness, objections, and being true to myself. Instead, I find I am remaining utterly confused so I don't have to take responsibility to insure a potential better outcome in life for me that does leave me in the end, regretting that I didn't take a higher road because I didn't feel I could hack it (due to particularly disabling features of BPD and lacking any real confidence.)

In the end - instead of having an emotional freak-out and blaming the whole BPD thing on it and then wallowing in shame, why can't I just come out and say what's on my mind and that I don't like this and be able to weigh pros and cons and come to some decision to stick with instead of remaining anxious/ambivalent in a relationship?

But in the end, I am finding it also good to practice radical acceptance that this is the way things are going, my promise to distance myself emotionally and do a moon-walk out of a relationship, are not working out and there is some comfort in going with the flow of the good things and not sabotaging something that may not have to have the same old story of insanity and abuse applied to it over and over again.

So, to recap - Do any of you think you do the whole emotional and shameful freak-out in the end on someone or a situation because you simply lack clarity in your identity and what your values are and just don't come out and say what's on your mind in a confident and independent manner? Of you just can't identify how you should receive or respond to someone or a situation. Do you then drive yourself crazy, making yourself yet more vulnerable to that next episode of BPD chaos on the next triggering event?

It's like you don't know when, but you know another episode is coming and you have some idea that it could be so simply avoided to some degree if you just had a stronger stance on who you are and what you value and want.