missu

Hi I'm new here

Posted on 10/17/09, 02:23 pm

Hi everyone. I'm new here and even though I've read many of your posts I'm still afraid of getting rejected because of the things I have to say but I am in such a bad spot right now I can't help but reach out. That being said I'll tell you a little about me. I was finally diagnosed with BP2 last year after many years of being on antidepressants and still having a lot of trouble. My mania was, like some of yours, not really noticeable to me or anyone because during it I felt so fantastic and on top of everything and I could do a million things at once. I actually find myself missing it sometimes if that makes sense. I have been married for almost ten years now and have three kids but that is about to change soon. I have always had issues with making bad decisions during severe depression or manic phases although my life is such a blur sometimes I can hardly remember which phase I was in when I did something stupid. A few years ago I did the ultimate stupid thing and during an intense manic episode I started having an affair with someone. My husband has alwasy been very unsupportive of my moods and very uncaring in many ways, even to the point of frowning on me for seeking mental health support. I feel like all the pain I was living with in our marriage and everything he put me through just made me snap one day and I didn't care about anything. The affair persisted through the episode and then I started to get the depression. One thing that I am really ashamed to say but is true is that I became pregnant (with my husband's child) toward the beginning of the affair. Pregnancy throws me into such a tailspin and I was so emotional I didn't want to end the affair and lose the support of the other guy if that makes sense. The other guy said being with me was like riding a rollercoaster but he was so supportive I couldn't break it off even though I felt so guilty. It lasted nine months and towards the end I began getting really careless about hiding it because in a way I wanted to get caught, I needed it to end, it was killing me. A few months afer my husband found out and I had just had my baby I landed in a mental hospital on suicide watch. I have always been pretty suicidal but that was the first time I ever really almost acted on it. I used to cut when I was younger but it was only to inflict pain and never got really serious. This time I had a loaded gun in the house and nearly pulled the trigger on several occasions. All this time I had not had any medication to help and didn't even know what was really wrong with me. I went through some treatment and counselling and got diagnosed with BP2 which in a way was a relief to me because it at least offered some explanation. I had been taking abilify and wellbutrin. They wanted to put me on depakote but couldn't because I have PCOS and it messes with that. I felt stable for a while but my life is such a mess and we lost our insurance which means I lost my medication so now I'm off of it all again. My husband told me he no longer loves me and he thought maybe he'd stay for the kids but then just yesterday he told me he wants to leave when our financial situation improves. I lost my job (because of the economy) and because of the pregnancy and all the craziness it has taken me a year to find another one. I was the main monetary support of the household so this has devastated our finances and put us in danger of losing our house.

I'm not really looking for anything but just maybe some understanding and insight. I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I hate that I make stupid decisions when I'm all messed up but I rarely think of consequences or anything else a person is supposed to weigh out when a decision is made. He goes to a support group where they say that I can't use my BP as an excuse for what I did...it's not really that I am trying to excuse my behaviour so much as I just want him to understand that there are things in my person that make me different from him and the decisions he would make. Please if you really can offer some understanding or anything constructive I would so appreciate it. If you feel disgusted by me please do me the favor of not replying as I am already getting enough of it from all sides and I really don't need any more. Thanks so much.

• Reply #1 10/17/09  5:09pm
  
  Plowden
  Hell yes it's an excuse!!! When you are thinking clearly you realize they are bad decisions and feel guilty and would never do them. You wonder, "What on earth was I thinking? Why would I do that?" I am anything but disgusted by you. I am so happy I stumbled across this website because we have all been there and some of us are there now. I didn't cheat on my husband but when I got home from the hospital I was really into cutting and after awhile I really got off on the manipulation that went along with it. I would say things to my husband (who is amazing and supportive) like, "I have razor blades hidden where you can't find them." And I would cut myself because it felt good but I wouldn't try that hard to hide it so he would see. what in the hell!?! How messed up is it that I would purposefully cause him pain when he did nothing to me but be supportive. I tried to push him away. I think it's because I felt like I didn't deserve to have someone treat me good so I wanted to go mess it up.
  Read your reply to my post. You said it all. It's true. We have to live with the mistakes we made even though it's not our fault. We can only keep trying. Take it day by day. My Dr. in the hospital gave me some good advice. He said that when you decide to make a life change and start working on it you will probably screw up. You will probably do something you wish you wouldn't have done and then want to give up because you have to start all over. But he said there's no reason to start over. You just tripped up a little. Don't start over, just get back on track.
  I understand that going out and doing whatever you want and justifying yourself by saying, "it's cause I'm BP" is wrong but when you are in a true episode you don't know what you're doing. It's like having diabetes or thyroid disease....I wish I could listen to myself...hang in there.
• Reply #2 10/17/09  5:58pm
  
  missu
  Oh my gosh I totally know what you are talking about. After I was in the hospital I got really into the razorblades again. I even wrote words on my skin and stuff like that. My husband took all of it as a personal affront like I was doing it to him. I finally made myself stop, the meds helped. Thank you so much for your post really. It makes me feel so much better. Isn't it always funny how we say the things we know we need to believe but believing them is really the hard part.
• Reply #3 10/25/09  2:52pm
  
  Neecola
  Yep me too done loads of things that come back to haunt me but I just tell myself thatits done now and I know who I am or would be without this puddle I keep stepping into but those that matter will want to understand and they cant know if you dont tell them love&hope
• Reply #4 10/26/09  1:00pm
  
  missu
  Thanks Neecola...it's so hard and I'm not sure if he'll ever understand but it's good to hear those words and hope that maybe one day hell get over the hurt and look beyond it to a place of understanding and love. take care
• Reply #5 10/26/09  5:24pm
  
  Caribou1
  I'm new here too and I can really relate to what you went through and are going through. I never cheated physically, on my husband, but I did have an emotional affair. I got lucky and he forgave me and we are working things out. Obviously the past can't be taken back, but we can keep going and make our lives better.
• Reply #6 10/27/09  8:53am
  
  hatshetsup
  Your BP isn't an excuse for stuff you've done it's the reason you did those things. So does this group of your husbands condemn all mentally ill people then? When manic I behave in a manner that is totally alien to my norml self! Since I was diagnosed I not longer have to wonder why I did such strange things, I did them because I was ill! My physchiatrist said to me 'It's not your fault you've got Bi-polar, you didn't ask for it' .
• Reply #7 10/27/09  11:23am
  
  missu
  Thanks guys...I think the group that my husband goes to is full of hurt people that don't understand. There are even other husbands and wives in the group who have mentally ill spouses and don't think it's an excuse. I get the feeling they don't want to give the cheaters any room to feel better because they are so hurt...even bipolar is no excuse to them. I tried explaining but it's really no use. Caribou1 I am so happy for you that you and your H are working it out, that is wonderful and I hope he continues to understand. As for me, I just hope I can make it through this somehow. It definitely helps to talk and to have people understand. Thanks again

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