tamira

tears wont stop!!!

Posted on 06/17/09, 08:23 am

yesterday was a bad day!! me and my brother had a fall out, he lives with my very poorly mum and treats her like crap, i asked him to find her medication and it turned into a fight, he wont do nothin to help her and leaves it all to me, other than my bipolar i have other ilnesses, i struggle daily a little help from him would be nice but iv never challenged him because of his temper, he let rip with me and told me i was a waste of space iv ruined my childrens life with my mood swings and im lucky that they still love me, it got really deep and nasty. he apologised later and said he didnt realise how much he loved me till he saw how upset i got. iv accepted his apology but the problem is i cant stop crying iv been holding it down for a while now and its all been for nothing, i am really struggling not to self harm something iv not done for a long time, hes dragged up all my insecuritys and low self worth, it was like my dad my ex all over again telling me im nothing telling me im stupid! i cant get the words out my head i know that its been hard for my family but i do my best and my children are so good all of them work hard at school and college and we are all very close, i feel like my body has been thru a car wreck, im sorry to be so down you lot but i have no one else to talk to thanx

• Reply #1 06/17/09  8:40pm
  
  tamira
  my mum bought me flowers this afternoon and i know it was to cheer me up but its made me feel guilty that my hurting is hurting her, she also is angry wiyh my brother which is wrong cus hes her son. i feel so low, i have work tomorrow and its a new job so i have to go, my heads a mess and for the first time in over a year i think i need to go back on meds, its so stupid to let this get to me so bad, but i cant stop it, how did all this happen why do people hurt each other there are so many things i could have thrown at him like the times when he hit me, the abuse thats come from his mouth but i didnt i just sat ther and took it, he dragged up so many memorys of my past that il never forget but push to the back of my mind, and now its racing around in ther its like it was yesterday and im raw i dont understand why he did this he doesnt knoe me at all, he doesnt know that he can shrug it off with an apology and get on with it and i just go into my hell
• Reply #2 06/18/09  7:00pm
  
  TudorRose
  I am sorry you have been in such a dark place these past few days. It is difficult to deal with someone in your family who doesn't understand your bi polarity. My brother doesn't really even acknowledge mine, and we keep our distance, but I wouldn't put up with any nonsense from him whatever the situation. If your brother could perhaps make a point of finding out more about your ilness, perhaps that would help. But it can be difficult to persuade them to do so. It sounds as if he might have some anger issues of his own, and probably doesn't mean to hurt you. I wonder if you could just sit down and talk to each other about stuff? God bless.
• Reply #3 06/19/09  9:45pm
  
  tamira
  thanx TudorRose for the advice, i was gonna do that i thought that maybe we could build something but today weve been texting each other and he rang me to tell me he found my texts offensive, i didnt send anything offensive just making light jokes and all that, i apologised over and over and he said that it was okay just in the future to be more carefull. Its a shame and it hurts but thats the final straw, when he upset me the other day he dragged up my past blaming me for my husbands discusting behaviour, he also told me that he woudnt visit if my new partener was around as he didnt have a good feeling for the guy, hes hurt me and hes scared me, he has hit me quite badly in the past he head butted me in front of all my friends and once hit me so hard in the back of my head it knocked me out, i hate doing this but i dont want him in my life, i will speak to him if we are at my mums at the same time but that is all, i really wanted him to be part of my life as ive love him but i have to think of myself first dont i? anyway thanx again for replying, take care
• Reply #4 06/20/09  4:44am
  
  TudorRose
  Your further explanation unfortunately makes me see that your brother is behaving like a bully, and if he has done something like head butt you, well he is actually breaking the law. He is assaulting you. If he did that to someone on the street, he would be arrested. You have nothing to apologise for, it is just part of the bullying. It is important that you talk to someone about this. Have you told your doctor? If you are able to find a hotline that talks about being bullied, and there are many around, it might be a good idea for you to contact them and get advice. I can understand why you don't want your brother in your life if he is behaving so badly. Does he do it to anyone else? If you are able to stand back from him, and not let him bully you, give it a try. And if he makes a move to hit you, make sure you stand back and firmly tell him not to do it again. I suspect you have been standing there and taking it, because you feel you have no choice. But you do. You are not a punchbag. If you are happy with your new partner, then that is nothing to do with your brother. If he dislikes your partner, then too bad. Does your partner know that your brother has been assaulting you? I urge you to seek some sort of protection and not let this bully ruin your life.
• Reply #5 06/20/09  7:27am
  
  tamira
  thanx again for replying to me and for the advice,i had a really good therapist last year unfortunately i moved so he couldnt help me anymore, i miss him badly as he was really good for me, he told me that id been taught in childhood not to say "no" no matter what the situation id been made to feel bad and that meant i accepted blame for everything, i just wanted everything to be right between us my problem is that i need everything to be perfect so thats what i cripple myself with, my brother has some serious issues with his own paranoias and i have to back out now i cant deal with his anger, my partener is away at the moment i asked him to go to give me some space and he did, hes not perfect but he is so understanding of my illness and he supports me from the phone, i have told him about my brothers behaviour and his first response was to want to go and sort him out! i dont want violence and he is willing to leave it, my brother doesnt act this way when my partener is around which proves he is a bully doesnt it, thankyou for being there you dont know how lonely and scared iv felt , hope to here from you soon, please take care i wish you happiness and peace, oh and your one gorgeous lady! hope i look that good when i get to your age! take care (and let me know your beauty secrets) xx

A group to share the ups and downs of dealing with bipolar disorder