Discussion Topic
Why can't I be normal
Posted on 03/10/09, 01:51 am
Why can't I just be normal? I have an awesome job, a house, a wonderful daughter, and I am completely miserable for no apparent reason. I feel like I'm going to explode, or cry, or maybe have an anxiety attack. I feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not sure what. I want to do something bad, but I have morals. I just want to cry, or scream, or laugh, or SOMETHING. But I have to hold it together. And I have no one to talk to. Everyone at work thinks I'm so "happy". Sometimes I want to freak out and just tell them "I AM NOT LIKE YOU".
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Reply #1 03/10/09 4:42pm
i have always wanted to be normal.but i finally gave that up and i think i am the better for it...what is normal?????????? -
Reply #2 03/11/09 2:01pm
I am sad to hear of your frustration. Like daisy, I have given up trying to be normal. In truth, I think such a life would be extremely boring for me.
You do have a lot to be grateful for. But you must let your feelings and thoughts express themselves somehow. Are you an artistic person? Maybe you could express yourself through some creative outlet. Like music, painting, or writing. Is this an option for you. If you're not currently trained in any of these things you could take classes.
In the end, you must love and accept yourself. Pamper yourself. It sounds like you work very hard. Identify what gives you pleasure and indulge, indulge, indulge! Even if that means going to the basement and screaming your head off. This is perfectly OK, as long as you don't scare your daughter. You could do it when she's not home.
Lots of love and good wishes, Julia -
Reply #3 03/11/09 6:50pm
I too thought I was 'normal' and wanted to let people know that just because I could smile and be happy all of the time didn't mean that I was happy on the inside.
I finally figured out that I had to accept me for me and that it wasn't my fault that I had this Bipolar/depression. You know what, God said he knew us before we were made, he formed us in our mothers womb and he made us the way he wanted us to be. Thank God that you have something to work on and you know what it is.....there are others that think they are perfect and 'normal' and don't know that they need to work on that!!!
I know it is not easy and believe me, I still struggle. Thankfully there are meds that can help a lot. I know the struggle. Just accept that this is your cross to bear but there are many others around here that can be supportive and encouraging. I hope this helps.
Karen. -
Reply #4 03/13/09 6:33am
I often think to myself, "what is normal?". Perhaps all the BPs in the world are the norms!! Most BPs I know are sensitive, kind, love animals and children, helpful, brave - in fact all the good things in a human being. Now that can't be bad, can it? -
Reply #5 03/13/09 9:28am
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Reply #6 03/13/09 7:09pm
I go to the woods and scream it makes me feel alot better when i'm not having a hard time with my bp i sew do crafts redo the whole house move the funiture fix everything up and draw write poems listen to music and these things make me feel really good about myself they are things that i can give myself approval for as long as noone has anything to say work i haven't found the right thing yet normal to me is going to the beach are the mountains for a day my husband every so often gets me a way and that feels like normal for a little while we have to take those little things that go good they are what are normal what everyone else does that we seem to take for gratted misspelled find a hobby i no its hard atleast i'm basing that on me don't seem to stay focus on one thing for a very long time but i always go back to the same things just try some new stuff no matter what it may be take a class anything just try take yourself out to lunch are light candles all over the house do stuff that can make you feel good its not about everyone else find you thats what i'm doing now my whole life i spent trying to please and now life almost over its selfish but we all want something normal even if its just every once in a while even people that don't have bp find that there life has past by and that didn't do things get you a punching bag i am i heard it helps with stress good luck and i wish and pray for you to find so normal in your life -
Reply #7 03/17/09 11:30pm
First, the N word may not be used!
I know exactly what you mean - I have to hold it together, or everything around me can fall apart. Keeping up the front is exhausting!
I know about some resources that may help... -
Reply #8 04/11/09 11:45pm
Boy do I! I hate not working, going to school. I am a mom and I have two special needs children. Others expect allot from me which i can't do. I try but collapse. My husband nearly divorced me. He said why do I have to have a bipolar wife and a son with aspergers. Now my eight year old seems like he is bipolar. We are all seeing psychiatrists and taking meds. You sound like you do allot! Wow! I know how hard it is to seem happy in public whist being so very depressed. It is hard to keep up the facade. Don't be to ahrd on yourself. Normal, it turns out, is pretty rare. -
Reply #9 04/18/09 3:06pm
Wow! I feel for you; I feel exactly the same way. I have a house and two wonderful daughters, a job, and lots of other things to be thankful for. I describe the exact feeling as though I feel like I am going to jump out of my own skin. Is that part of being bipolar (BPD)? I was diagnosed a few years ago, but wasn't told much about it. I was on Depakote for a little while and it helped me feel calm tremendously. The downfall is that I don't believe in taking meds unless necessary, those type of drugs are hard on your liver and kidneys and you should regularly do blood work to make sure your organs are still healthy. I tried the herbal supplement stuff and that didn't help this feeling. I don't take depokote any more (I probably should), but drink a glass of red wine every evening and that seems to help me calm a little down from work and stress. So the question is what helps with this feeling? I think that one of the other posters has the right idea, finding an artistic outlet. I love to paint, but I don't do it nearly enough. Perhaps taking an art or music class? The problem that I experience with BPD is that I start things and don't follow through. OR I never get emotionally motivated to start something that I think might do me some good. Not to mention that I can't afford to take classes unless they are free. Self Sabotage? Maybe.
The people at my job see me as a hard worker and I always have a smile on my face, they comment on how positive I am. Little do they know that I feel terrible inside and this is the wall that I have created to hide my true feelings. On the other side, my husband sees me come home from a stressful day at work and I am exhausted from trying to stay positive that it all falls into the wind and I am tired, and irritable and he thinks I am a very negative person. He has admitted that he doesn't understand what I am going through, nor does he care to try to understand. I battle with him often because of his lack of empathy or compassion and selfishness (the later has nothing to do with my BPD). So I guess you could say I am right there sister. I have no real friends that I hang out with regularly, no one to talk to about my BPD feelings and I feel alone. I am social, but when in settings where I could potentially make a friend (i.e. church functions, babyshowers, etc) , I feel socially awkward and probably come off as strange.
If you ever need someone to talk to and work out your feelings, I am there for you. I joined today for this very reason. It seems that there is a delicate balance. You can't sweep your BPD feelings under the rug, they do exist, but in the same token, you can't build it up and dwell on them where they run your whole life. -
Reply #10 04/18/09 3:28pm
Today has been another bad day. My husband doesn't understand. My medication is NOT working. My doctor says take it with food but I have a lapband. I guess shakes are not food. Tonight I will force myself to eat. My husband is not supportive and goes along in life like I am not here. He allowed my son to bring a friend over whilst I was resting from emotional collapse and just took my other son out to the movies. I am glad for the boys but he could be a little more considerate. They came into the room whist I was asleep. He was angry that my son did that, though. I want so much not to feel so unstable, afraid and in pain. I want to be normal for my husband, and my sons who deserve much better than they are getting. I wish my husband was kinder and cared.
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