Well I guess I will start with mine...
This may seem broken up and alot of detail left out but I am going to wing it. My psychosis is mostly streamed around delusions. Mostly spiritual based and they run extremely deep.
I either feel god living inside my body and want to walk in his light and be a spiritual figure myself, or I feel like I am being watched by demons. Also being possessed by them. I have moments of feeling as if I am under control by a great force in the univierse and that I am being used as a puppet.
And also that my soul has been sold to the devil himself. When I get like this I can not see reason. I can not see what others try to tell me and I can not think reality based. All these things become me and I become them. I become paranoid of everything and scared out of my wits end that I am going to be punished by god for something that my mind has already manifested.
I see morbid things all around and I can not control them. Its like when you are sleeping and you are having a horrible nightmare but you just can not wake to get out of it. Well, I have the nightmare but I am 100% awake and I can see it all. The visions are so real and so intense that it munitpulates my mind and cause me to become even more delusional.
I always said that I would rather be in a coma and dream then to be awake and experience my hell. The intrusive thoughts were over baring and I didnt want to listen to then voices when they told me bad things. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and be left alone. I was convienced at one time that I was going to be locked away because I knew everyone had to see my reality the way that I saw it.
When I was 11 I thought god impregnanted me with his child. I also thought I was posessed at times even back then. I always felt that others were making fun of me and that I was going to get into trouble for something that I did not do.
There is tons more for me to share but bascialy your mind becomes your own prison while in a state ofpsychosis. And you are locked inside this prison with a beast that want to rip you apart and you also your life. And the only way to free yourself is to destroy the monster even if it means by destroying yourself. Hope I havent freaked anyone out. Thats my truth and I hope someone else will share theirs as well
Discussion Topic
Psychosis
Posted on 09/22/09, 09:26 pm
I had a member ask me about what my psychosis was like and I thought of bringing it to the board. Now if you do not want to share then thats fine but do know that you will not be judged by it. Please do tell. I will share mine in a minute after I collect my thoughts :)
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Reply #1 09/22/09 9:43pm
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Reply #2 09/22/09 9:47pm
oh and I see spiders alot, They are apart of my hallucinations but they only come around at night. I think they are there because I have a great fear of them. They catch me off guard and scare the living daylights out of me. -
Reply #3 09/22/09 11:13pm
I have auditory hallucinations. I don't see things, but I definitely hear a voice inside my head. -
Reply #4 09/24/09 10:13am
My psychosis involved conspiracies. I thought people could access my apartment at will by flipping the floors. I saw them in my apartment. I was sure I was going to be arrested by the police for a crime I did not commit. I thought they were going to set me up and that all my neighbors were in on it.
I spent my nights with the windows cracked listening to "undercover police" talk about accessing my apartment and talking about "my case." I thought my internet and phones were bugged.
I dialed 911 incessantly thinking at one point I was going to be killed at another point I thought my daughter had been kidnapped even though she was stating that was not the case.
I ended up in the hospital without insurance 5 or 6 times in a two month period. Things finally progressed to a blur where everything around me was moving really fast and my thoughts were incoherent.
Once the mania faded the delusional thinking did not go away. I was delusional and paranoid for a year. -
Reply #5 09/24/09 10:30am
omg my delusional thinking didnt go away once my mania did either. It seemed like it got worse. Thinking that someone tapped my phone lines and were listening to my conversations. Thinking that my boyfriend was cheating on me when he gave me no reason. I could go on and on. I took a prengancy test around that time and it said negative but a voice in my head said I was pregnant so I kept on buying test after test and still didnt believe it. I went to the extreme of going to the emergency room in the middle of the night to get a blood test done and it came out negative and I thought the doctors were lying. Thank goodness all of that is gone now but it stayed with me over a year after the mania went away -
Reply #6 09/24/09 2:03pm
So many of my thoughts have been with me as long as I can remember and I don't even consider them abnormal until someone else relates similar thoughts with a different perspective. I don't know if they are delusional or just from myother disorders....... there are starting points for some of them but I am learning in therapy (and here) just how many of my thought patterns are abnormal. I never thought it abnormal to think about driving head on into semi trucks everytime one passed by until I started having very self mutilating thoughts and brought it up with my therapist...... Turns out not everyone casually thinks about it all the time. I always think people are staring at me and laughing about me. I always think someone is listening to my conversations and watching me 24/7. I'm not even safe at home but at least I'm not stared at there..... I believe that everyone hates me and would prefer it if I went away. Including here. I am Schizoid so I don't really like people very much but sometimes I would really like to know what it's like to have a friend. I don't believe I know what it feels like to have someone like me. I find that I don't dislike everyone it's just that most people bore me and I know they hate me. Someone asked about other groups here in another post and the truth is they bore me..... For some reason I really like most everyone in the Bipolar group. :) Still I wonder if anyone can like me in return. I feel a bit safer here because no one really knows who I am. I posted my picture once but then freaked out because I knew someone would "find me" and use my journals and posts against me. . Everyday I worry that I will lose my job because I screw up too much. I think my doctors have it wrong and I'm really Schizophrenic instead of Bipolar/Schizoid/Paranoid/DID NOS....... Doesn't everyone have these thoughts? Doesn't everyone feel this way? It never crossed my mind before therapy..... The more I know the worse I feel. -
Reply #7 09/24/09 2:25pm
How do I take that back? I have to take it back. How do I delete it? Please? -
Reply #8 09/24/09 3:46pm
I like you! And I have the same thing, I think that everyone is out to get me, people are staring at me and talking about me wherever I go and no one likes me. When the mania hits, I'm on top of the world and think only I can do things correctly. I don't need help from anyone because I"m perfect.
I'm a little confused by what you said about self-mutilating thoughts being normal? Last time I talked to my pdoc about my self-mutilating thoughts, she was very concerned and didn't say it was normal. -
Reply #9 09/24/09 6:53pm
I am not sure how to explain this but I was on life support for 2 months in 2006. I was as close to death as one could be when I came from the coma I could see shadow people walking through the halls of the hospital. They would walk into my room but I never feel threatened, just like they wanted me to help...I still see these at times but now I have become accustomed to their presents and it sends as though they are at ease too. I was diagnosed bipolar1 in aug 2006 and in NOv 2006 I was on life support until Jan 28 2007. Now I am unsure but I believe that when I died and was brought back I also brought back a special ....skill.
When I was brought home from the hospital I had to learn to talk, walk...it all over...In so many words I was FUCKED UP but alive. Now you would think a person that has been through all of this and died and the things I have seen would be grateful to be home...wife...4 children...parents..ect but I did not feel like I belonged here. I did not want to be here and I just wanted to be taken back to the hospital. I wanted to die...ect
I asked my lung specialist and he said that he had seen this many times with people that had died and came back. Their soul is confussed...it does not know where it belomgs...not here on earth because it has already tasted the other side. This doctor was so casual about this and I wondered why the hell have I never heard this .... I have got caught up in the moment and I and sorry but why now do I see shadows is it the mess?...I don't think so because as most of us have..I have went off of them...I am not sure if this is my psychosis or if it is real. -
Reply #10 09/24/09 8:39pm
thats an amazing story chunta... It makes you wonder if yours is just a gift from god. But i'm not one to decide that really, just makes you think. I am glad you are alive to tell your story. YOu are very lucky
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