Stretched

Depressed

Posted on 06/04/08, 10:15 am

I came to this website hoping to meet people who suffer similarly to me, but i'm beginning to realise it's just me.I feel like a freak. I reach for food all the time as its' the only comfort i have. I'm fed up of all this body image pressure and the comments i get. I'm not massively over weight but i've never been acceptable in the eyes of others. First i was too big, then i was too skinny and now i've put on too much weight. I feel like screaming, i hate it all. I'd love to go a day without worrying about food. I've been binge eating almost every other day for the past 6 months, it's got to the point where its normal for me now. Although i know i'm damaging my bofy, i'm repulsed by my stomach, by the excess flab, the stretch marks from binging etc. I hate it, i hate the way i look. But every time i try and change i see someone ultra skinny or read on here on how guily people feel from supposed 'binging', when it's nothing. I feel like screaming; i can't talk to anyone about it; it's not normal. So i eat and eat. My binges usually go along the lines of 4 bowls of cereal, 2 choc bars, 4 slices of toast...etc. Anything i can get my hands on. Recently i've been microwaving flour and milk and drenching it in choc sauce or ketchup...anything. I don't sleep. I keep trying to go a night without snacking but i can't. I lie awake, thinking, feeling my stomach bulge. Recalling all the past comments, worries, binging...so i wander into the kitchen. I can't help it, and once i start, i can't stop. I am alone. This site is only proving it. I wish my binges were only a few pieces of fruit. I wish i weighed 100 lbs, i wish i looked good and did 4 hrs exercise a day. But i just don't care anymore. Who cares really. The world is fucked up and we worry about stupid problems like food! Get these thoughts out of my head. Let me just go without out it. I want to get rid of everything. I want to sleep. I want to enjoy myself. But o'm coming to the conclusion that this is my life now, and it sucks!

• Reply #1 06/04/08  6:53pm
  
  freedomplease
  You are not alone!!! Everyone who has this problem in any degree is sufferering. I hope that we can recover, but I feel your pain in feeling hopeless... etc. I have had huge binges as well.. Such as: 2 bowls of ice cream with fudge, peanuts, an entire container of whipped cream, 7 chocolate cookies, 5 peanut butter cookies, 5 peanut butter chocolate cookies... wow. I was totally there a month ago!. We can do this! Keep the faith and don't give up.
• Reply #2 06/04/08  8:34pm
  
  hopeganun
  I have had points in my life where I had extreme eating habits; stealing food, getting caught by a police officer with a pumpkin pie in my lap while driving..he said, " Well, I guess I can't get ya for driving while eating." I have been where you are, and lately, due to some crazy circumstances in my life, I have once again turned to food, and once again, I seek help. I feel for you, I really do, and I suggest counseling..it really does help, after all, it's not the food, as food is the symptom. It's what is eating you inside. I hope that helps, Hope
• Reply #3 06/06/08  10:19am
  
  bluevibe
  Dear Stretched,
  
  please, you are not alone. I founded this site so that we could all have an open discussion about something that is affecting us all. The DS site is like any other social community, and so you need to navigate through it with care. Not everyone is here for your best interests, or theirs. Bu tthat can also be a part of the disorder, the "oh I'm so fat but let me stand next to X so that I can feel better abou myself, so that I can demonstrate a higher degree of self control ... " This shit-for-brais disorder operates in an irrational and unpredictable way. And, we remain individuals, with personalities beyonf the disorder. And not everyone gets along or has similar tastes (no pun intended). And no body's perfect, we're all saints and sinners.
  
  I binge just like you. Sometimes I binge just like freedomplease .. . Sometimes I don't binge at all. Sometimes I feel beautifula nnd healthy, other times I feel like a useless piece of jelly.
  
  Oh - we're mostly women too .. .you know, women, women who make babies and are supposed to have some meat on them .. . celebrate yourself!
• Reply #4 06/27/08  2:15pm
  
  wishiwasthin
  Can i just say you have just described me!! I cried when i read this as word for word it is exactly me. You say you have for bowels of cereal well i eat a whole box of cereal plus toast, crisps, chocolate etc................ so your definitely not on your own and i go to bed feeling terable and then get up and go and do the same thing all over again. I'm going to add you as a friend please keep talking to me xx

A place for women to talk about food and life.