Discussion Topic

Sabotaging relationships?

Posted on 05/17/10, 05:16 pm
I was wondering what people in AAs views were on this?

In your experience, do alcoholics sabotage their own relationships / friendships so they can keep a mask on? Or not experience happiness?

Is it a character defect of self love?

I would really welcome people's views on this one with regards to the program.
Showing 6 Replies
  • Reply #1 05/17/10  6:43pm
    "He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. "
    (BB page 21)
  • Reply #2 05/17/10  7:23pm
    Generally, for me, relationship sabotage was (is) a way of dealing with low self esteem. It is also related to my perfectionist streak. Letting someone know me means they will also discover my flaws. When I am am equipped with self forgiveness and self love, it feels comfortable allowing others into my world.

    Good topic. I look forward to hearing from others.
  • Reply #3 05/17/10  9:20pm
    When I was still out there I'd sabotage relationships because I didn't care. You didn't have anything I could use or interested me, I was gone. Back to my favorite occupation. Drinking alone.
    Today I don't enter into any kind of relationship unless I am willing to provide the attention the person deserves. It reduces my social butterfly standing, but my friendships are more realistic...
  • Reply #4 05/18/10  8:34am
    When I was out in the madness for all those years in reality the only relationship I had was with myself & all my defects always looking for the effect & nothing more. It was direct result of hurting a lot relationships. Of course I was the problem.

    Today I'm an open book on my recovery & because of that a few have gone by the way side.

    It is what it is
  • Reply #5 05/19/10  8:27pm
    Personally it has been Both lack self- love and sense of or lack of feeling worthy.... Bobby E... likes to say after about 2 weeks the honeymoon is over the mask begins to come off And One either starts to communicate or the wall goes up and you Now it gets a little superficial petty or weird. Yes!!!! and The happiness or sense of someone really caring is scary As I may , or do think They will leave Or i will...Do something stupid ....And Yes!! sabotage The Intimacy We have built up until that point....For me its either protecting myself from getting hurt or Just being scared of my own feelings towards( this person) or An un- founded fear that has built up over many Years involving Trust!!! Me not them.
    Billy
  • Reply #6 05/20/10  6:07am
    Like others, when I was still OUT THERE, I mowed over people because of relentless desire for drink and to have all MY NEEDS met and I lost everyone. The amends process brought a lot of people back to me but sadly, mental illness at which I work really hard, has stripped most of them from me gain.

    A lot of people have bailed as it takes real guts to stick it out with a person who is so seriously ill, and I have also had to bail on people who also have addictions and mental illness, but are not in recovery and thus are toxic to me. So I guess it is a combination of my defects, those of others and both looking after their own needs and the need to protect oneself. Whan I am in a forgiving mood, I see it realistically as my limitations coming up against the limitations of my former family and friends. And that's a good mindset to have - it's non-judgemental of them and me.

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