kokoinmn

Gratitude

Posted on 07/24/09, 10:19 am

Having an awful morning. Trying to talk to the addict in my life, which includes myself is so much work...Most of the time I ask myself why do I try? Why do I ask for more negativity when I know my SO has nothing else to give? And then I have to remind myself that if I am working the steps in my life I will learn to let go and let God. All the things I speak of are not controllable, other than my self talk. I need to remember that just as I realize I have no control over my SO, he also does not control me. There is gratitude in understanding that. I can learn to let go and find a life of my own. And maybe one day I will find what I want in my life. New things can not happen until I let go of the old. I don't like my life as it is. I have been stuck for years in this abusive relationship. It is still hard for me to really admit it . Emotionally it has been a rollercoaster of pain and I have allowed this because of my fear of abandonment. I am putting myself out there by going to meetings, and being honest with others. I have nothing to lose by that. I heard years ago that in order to find that special person, one must first become that person. No amount of talking can change another....So I guess just letting go and wanting nothing from my SO will be a start for me. I don't know if anyone has any comments. I am so tired of believing that his drinking or lack of drinking has anything to do with this...I think he is what he is. I would appreciate prayers for strength to get beyond this. That I may find the strength to truly let go and live my life. Thank you. I am grateful that I can vent. I am also so grateful that Al-anon has been around for me to learn from.

• Reply #1 07/25/09  10:14am
  
  adriannaM
  I can not vouge for the SO, but I have been surrounded by suffering addicts, my entire life. and most of which, are family members. Being that they are family members, it is most painful, to have to distance myself from the people I love the very most. But I have learned, that I can only take, so much, before enough is enough. You have to make yourself happy, and live life for you. Much easier said than done. All the talking in the world, can not change someone who does not want to be changed. Especially when they are in their act of addiction. A suffering addict, is so much different then someone living clean and sober and trying to get things straight. My brother is 20 young years, over a year ago, he came to me crying because he wanted to change his life. He was suffering from a drug and alcohol problem. I went to NA meeting with him, we did a lot of sober activites, we became closer than we had ever been. Because sine about 14, his addiction has held us apart. 2 months ago would have been his year in a half anniversary. But he decided to relapse. It kills me, it really does. And at times, I ask myself, did I do what I was supposed to? I find myself struggling because I just want to pull him out of this mindset that he is in, but when I start speaking, I understand that I am waisting my breath. Because he is not the same brother I got to know anymore. A big part of me wants to be bitter and close him off. But all I can do is offer my hand when he is ready to live a good life, and until then, I see him when I can. I refuse to be around his using, and that is the end of the story.
  I will pray for you and your SO. And I wish the best for you. Remember, you come first.
  God bless you
• Reply #2 07/26/09  10:33am
  
  kokoinmn
  Thank you AdriannaM. Sounds like this has been a painful struggle for you too. The one thing I am learning is that that person you have known sober is still there, just not right now. I do understand because I have lived with alcoholic parents and was married to one for 18 years. I also struggled with my 2 oldest sons addiction for a while.They are both doing very well now and have families of their own. Please remember that there is hope and that our HP is looking out for them as well. Each of us has to learn what we want of ourselves and our lives. I have to remind myself that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes....So hard but I don't need to suffer for them. My sponsor said to me that "expectations" are premeditated resentments. I have been thinking about that one lately. Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I can tell that it came from your heart. Many blessings to you! Yes, let's keep taking care of ourselves. HUGS, Toshie
• Reply #3 07/26/09  12:57pm
  
  adriannaM
  Thank you Toshie. I'm sure you know a lot about letting go, and letting God, I am sure that's what parenting is all about. I try to talk to my dad a lot and see how he deals with everything. ""expectations" are premeditated resentments", you have given me a lot to think about. Thanks again :)

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