Youre right..simply showing up at a meeting doesnt mean you are actually working the program and magically cured. Progress, not perfection!! Even still, SOME people do change, but most do not..this is just the reality of human nature.
Each situation is so unique. I learned (although it took me a while to get out of my denial) that just because the alcoholic isnt actively drinking, DOESNT mean things get better. For me, they actually got WORSE! My alcoholic husband grew very very angry and resentful toward me for HIS disease. Its all part of the blame shifting because hes not big enough to look at himself. In this experience, the DRY drunk was worse than the lunatic screaming and violent drunk! i found it to be much more emotionally abusive.
However, the only person we can change is ourselves. By working the program and being completely honest the solutions become clear. The answers will come when we are ready to see and hear them. healing hugs to you!
Discussion Topic
STOPPING ADDICTION DOES NOT GUARANTEE NEW PERSON
Posted on 06/28/09, 12:09 pm
I have been with my alcoholic for years. I first met him when he was just getting sober and going to AA. He was very difficult, depressed, and controlling but I kept giving him chances saying I need to stay out of his program and be glad that at least he was sober.... I kept believe some day with his program he would learn to communicate better and be a different person, and I kept hanging on. Several years later he began to think he was cured and has since then gone back to drinking. And we are still doing the same old dance. I am stepping up my going to Alanon and as you see am trying to write online as well. I am not trying to blame him for our dysfunctional relationship, just trying to be honest about how I feel about it. Throughout this period of time I have had several opportunities to end this chaos ... but in the end I always asked my HP to show me the way. For whatever reasons my SO always came back into my life and I thought I loved him enough to stay or rather let him stay. Just because someone goes to AA or Alanon doesn't mean we are fixed and become different people. There is still a need to WANT to change our way of thinking and being and turning things over to our higher power. I have to remember that it takes both people to change a relationship. I can't think about what the future will bring right now. I hear so often others believing that if the addict would just quit their addiction everything will get better... I have learned that that is when the work really starts to happen. No relationship is a piece of cake. Realizing that I have alot to work on is where I am at right now. Growing up is hard work. Being honest about my part in the whole mess is a hard pill to swallow. But in the end whether I am with him or not isn't what my work is about. The old saying where ever you go there you are, is so true. Changing relationships will not guarantee a new life if I can't change myself. The old fears, insecurities, resentments, etc will follow me into the next relationship so I have nothing to lose by working on me. Can't do a darn thing about his character defects,lol...Not enough time in my life to change all of mine. But the "desire" to change him is still there, which is a BIG character defect of mine. Am asking my HP to take this character defect away. Perhaps then I will learn to just let him go. I truly pray that my answers will come.
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Reply #1 07/03/09 3:59pm
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Reply #2 07/03/09 9:32pm
Thank you for the hugs and comment. Yes, I understand all about the blaming game. I have been going through that with him lately, but for the last week it has been quiet... He isn't drinking right now so I am just taking it a day at a time. Still focusing on getting my life and home in order and hoping that the rest will follow...wherever that may lead. Hope my HP gives me some answers soon. Big hugs to you too! -
Reply #3 10/04/09 3:26pm
My son, I THINK is clean, and going to meetings., and he is still acting the way he did when he was using. He still calls me a "bitch."
Last night he told me I was a horroble mother!
That was the WORST!!!!!
I don't think I can ever forget that, that cut deep, I did the best I could, with what I had, I was going to college, a single parent,l after I divorced his drug addict father who abused me in every way possible, I've been through so much, sometimes I can't believe I'm still here! Then he says something like that!
I have gone OUT OF MY WAY to help that child!!!!! 25, going on 14!!!!! -
Reply #4 10/04/09 5:19pm
My therapist told me to agree with my son. Tell him he is right. I was horrible and I am responsible for all your problems.... BUT YOU are responsible for the solutions. Let's see if you can do a better job than I did.
It usually stops them in their tracks. -
Reply #5 10/04/09 11:17pm
Hi Lynae! I think mgs1 reply was right on. Most "kids" whether using or not will express their anger with the parent they feel safe with. It isn't fun but I have found this to be true for me. The other thing to keep in mind is that anyone who gets in the way of the addict's use will be a target for their anger. So hang in there and keep going to your meetings and finding support. I have been where you are at and it hurts very much. I do understand, but trust me this too shall pass and they do come around. -
Reply #6 10/05/09 10:34pm
thanks kokoinmn (((((hugs))))) -
Reply #7 10/06/09 9:37am
Hi kokoinmn, thank you so much for posting. I am going through the same issues right now. My husband is Sober (101 days today!) but he is not working any program and he stopped going to meetings after getting coined out of his outpatient rehab program. He's still sober, but he/ we are not happy. The mood swings, the irrational anger, the distancing from myself and our daughter. It's been SO hard to stand by. I feel weak and useless. Lately when I've gotten really down I've started to turn to my HP and give it up. It seems to have been working. It's helped me have the strength to let the anger wash over me and letting the insults have no power other than to feel compassion for the anguish he must be going through. Detachment is a blessing. -
Reply #8 10/06/09 10:00pm
Hi Just4Today08, I really applaud you for your strength to relinquish your control and letting your HP handle it! Sounds like you are really working your program and what a blessing that is for all involved. Take care!
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