Discussion Topic
To Leave or Not to Leave?
Posted on 06/20/09, 06:01 pm
I have been to many meetings over the years where there is always someone asking the same desperate familiar question...Shall I leave the addict/alcoholic in my life? Most often the question is acknowledged by others with the yet same old rigid answer. We have to leave in order to take care of ourselves and our children. I think when the safety of our children's lives as well as our own is at stake there are no other answers...but for those of you that are not at risk, have you tried the steps and turned your lives over to the HP of your understanding. I used to get so impatient with oldtimers of the program talking at meetings about this...but today I realize that they really did understand. When I came into the 12 step programs I believed that I would get my understanding of what makes my alcoholic drink and act as he does, and then fix him....when really the question was what am I doing to exacerbate the already crazy situation. How could I learn to let go of things I could do nothing about and learn how to take better care of my family and myself? No one has the right to tell another person to leave their significant other for only that person really knows what the situation is and how they feel. 12 step support is not about telling others what they should do, but is sharing about what we are doing to make the changes necessary to find serenity in our lives. I am once again in my own life asking this familiar question and I know that I need to do everything I can to bring as much honesty, love and understanding back into a very ailing relationship...Only after I have worked on myself and come to a resolution within my heart will I make the next move as to where I need to go... Isn't it worth it if one loves another human being? Isn't it worth it to give myself the opportunity to truly know that I have tried my best. I know that this will only make me a stronger kinder human being. Right now I have many resentments and hurts that I need to learn to let go. I am going to try to give myself time to heal.
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Reply #1 06/26/09 12:38pm
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I identify completely with your struggle koko. No one has the right to tell you what to do...follow your heart. It all comes down to that detachment thing..and yes, you need to take care of yourself. Taking care of ourselves comes in different ways. Taking care of yourself may mean continuing to work the program and releasing those resentments and pain with the alcoholic in your life or it may mean leaving. only you have the answer for that and I wish you the best. Is he working through AA or are you flying solo? just curious... -
Reply #2 06/27/09 12:00pm
My SO was in AA when I met him. We discussed the need for 12 step programs in our lives and then a few years ago he slowly decided he was cured and has not been to AA for the longest time. I will no longer put ultimatums in our life but will decide what is best for me as I discover what I want to do. I felt oddly ashamed of my situation and stopped going to Alanon about the same time my SO began to use again. Kind of sticking my head in the sand I guess. And the last 3 years I came down with a very serious illness that left me so helpless and vulnerable. I am getting better and stronger, so believe I need to keep working on myself and finding the support I need to find my answers. Life is forever changing, and I also realize that I have to let him work on his own life and that minding my own business is the best thing for me to do. Once a person has been to 12 step programs one never really forgets and it messes up our addictive (codependent) behaviors, so we can't practice them quite the same as I used to. Trusting and letting go to my higher power is a lesson I need to continue practicing, lol! Control issues are HUGE when fear sets in. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Much appreciated. HUGS to you!!! Toshie
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