KissaC

How to break up

Posted on 04/21/09, 02:58 pm

Finally realizing the best choice for me is to separate from my husband of 10 years I have come to find out I have no idea how to do it. I never broke up with anybody. I was always the one who just packed my bags and left without a word. Now I have 4 kids all under 9 years old and it just isn't that easy. He is the sole provider at the moment and I feel like I should just wait for the right moment. I have 1000 dollars saved, but that won't take me far. In meanwhile it is so hard to ignore what he is doing to me. I cannot totally detach. I am in Mexico and kids are going to school here and for their sake it is best to just wait and hope that he will hit his bottom, fast... but... what do you do to help keeping cool until the right moment comes...he is toxic, not abusive but disappears on me, comes and goes as he wishes, in the morning, if he shows up, he is remorseful and even called help from a pastor here. He cannot go a day (hardly half a day) without a drink and by night time he is wasted.Last night I went for a drive and for some reason I drove to an area I usually don't even go and the kids yelled: there is dad's truck. It was in front of a hotel, he walks out and I could see he had used. I don´t know if he was afraid to come home knowing that I would be upset or if he had planned meeting someone there. I have friends here, but no alanon meetings. I have set boundaries, but never stuck by them, which I know is stupid. I know he loves me, he would be lost without me, I take care of everything at home, even help him doing his business paperwork. He just will not stop drinking.

• Reply #1 04/23/09  5:39pm
  
  mgs1
  He has not reached his bottom and neither have you. When you do. It isn't any easier - you are just more determined.
  Good Luck and God Bless.
• Reply #2 06/05/09  10:51am
  
  kokoinmn
  I agree. Each of us has to hit our own personal bottoms and that doesn't always result in leaving or breaking up lives. It means learning to take care of ourselves whether the addict is using or not. It means start working the 12 steps and not just reading them. I used to think the steps were just words, but if you really look at them they were written in the order that they are because the people writing them knew what we need to do to find serenity and ourselves.... Take a hard look at the first step and ask if you really accept it. I am working step one now because I still want to control things that are not mine to control. And I have been around 12 step programs for years. Be gentle to yourself and I hope you can find some peace for today. Don't worry about a day from now ... Just for today work on that first step and if you can move on to step 2.... Answers will come as we let go.
• Reply #3 06/06/09  2:15pm
  
  dm3
  Yes, i believe he loves you, but unfortunately his addiction will come first no matter what. I understand how hard it is for you to leave, ive been with my addict husband for 5yrs and we have 3 children, and i still keep giving him 1 more chance, but in reality we must do whats best for ourselves and our children. If you stay with him, what kind of life are your children gonna have? Please stay strong, hope it all works out for the best.
• Reply #4 09/23/09  10:12pm
  
  wikkster
  I am in the same dilemma but not married. Have been with mine for the better part of 10 years and recently gave him an ultimatum. He stayed sober for 10 days and then started drinking. He gets so stupid and nasty when he drinks that I just can't take it anymore. When I knew that he started again I told him 0 tolerance and he said that he doesn't think he can stop. I asked him if he knew there was help would he get it and he wouldn't answer me. I feel so sorry for him because when he talks about me leaving him he honestly looks scared and sincerely remorseful but I can't help but think that this is just one more of his tactics to try to suck me back in one more time. He has cheated on me and he recently pulled a 7 hour disappearing act to which there still hasn't been any resolution. If I leave to go shopping for 45 minutes he is accusing me of cheating. I can't help but feel this is his own guilt shining through.
  He hasn't worked in nearly 6 months and I have been taking care of finances. He gets unemplymt that covers his share of the bills and rent WHEN he doesn't use it for his daily recreation.
  We haven't been intimate for over a month - partly because I can't stand for him to touch me when he's been drinking, partly because even when hes not he still reeks of alcohol and acts unstable (drinks everyday from about 10 AM on-used to be 8AM), and partly because it appears that he can't. I sometimes think that he is using me simply for financial and housing purposes.
  All I know is that I am so tired of this. I was happy until we got back together and that makes me so sad cause I really do love him but I do not want to be living this way or going through the hell I have been through with him for another 6 months. Yet it is so hard.
• Reply #5 09/26/09  12:53am
  
  mila07
  I too am having a hard time leaving my love one, we have been together 12years-the addiction started 5 years ago-i have moved out 3 times-but only for couple of months because i feel guilty for leaving-and now i really can not take it anymore-althought i know it's not safe for me to stay because of the verbal abuse-i still feel if i leave my partners drug habit will get worse,- I found an apartment which i was suppost to move oct 1st but i pushed it back to nov 1st- i feel this is the hardest thing i ever had to do- I am going to my 3rd alanon meeting tomorrow and i am wondering when does this get easier?

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