Almost a month ago i finally made the decision to completely let my mother go. I cut her off 100% after being there and supporting her for 100% of the time since we got reconnected...I am almost twenty now, and hadn't talked to her for 8 1/2 yrs because i was bitter about being taken away from her by the state when i was nine. I finally regained contact with her when i went away to college. I was her pen pal as my older brother called it because she was in jail at the time...I still have the countless letters full of love and jokes and tons of cards she used to send me...Anywho, long story short, since that reconnection two years ago it has been non-stop drama; in other words, more relapses i can count. Screaming at her that she's not going to the store for more beer as i'm on the phone with a rehab center. Getting off the train for my christmas visit only to get back on twenty minutes later because she was piss drunk. Getting so stressed out that capillaries actually burst in and around my eyes and on my neck. Detoxing her myself because no hospital would because she was only out of rehab for two days. It's been insane, but i kept making the endless "if you do this one more time" threat. Well, finally i snapped.
After her last two or three relapses, she started to grow even more and more bitter. Giving everyone an attitude and hating the world. And God help you if you didn't agree with her, or asked her to try and see things from a different view point. I was the only one in the safe zone, as far as i know. She tried her attitude with me once, and i put her ass in line telling her that if anyone had a right to be mad at her, it was me. It was me! me! me! me! me! I know. selfish, but true in my opinion. Anyways, about a week before my brothers wedding (she was not invited because both my brother and i feared how that would go) she called me and started one of her usual rants about him. I just sat back and half listened as per usual because it was the same old shit, until my ears perked up at the "i'm going to say something to him about the money he owes you. I'm going to call him and tell him what a piece of shit he is" My brother and i have a business arrangement that she wasn't even supposed to know about but i couldn't lie to her. Well we went back and forth about how it's not her business, and she argued that it was for like forty five minutes. Finally she said she promised she'd try her best to keep her initial promise to me and not say anything. I told her to call me when she was in a better mood later. Ten minutes later, i get a phone call. Apparently, trying her best was hanging up with me and immediately calling my brother, a week before his wedding. I screamed i hung up on her, intended to cool down and let bygones be bygones. Well, then my nephew, her grandson that she's yet to met, again because of her alcoholism, was brought into the conversation. I said how much i loved him etc, and then her bitter ass goes and says, "why? he's a little bastard. He's nothing but a prick like his father. He runs from you" Well, let me make something clear...he ran from me after not seeing me for six months because i moved 600 miles away! after a day or so i taught him how to take his own myspace pics...and he's not even two yet! lol Well, that sent me over the edge. Hurt me, call me what you want, i can take the abuse; but if you think for a second you are going to trash talk my twenty month old nephew because you're bitter that you'll never be able to meet him because you can't stay sober, and we have a problem. I told her she was a stupid c-word (i hate that word with a passion, i swear i never use it unless i'm completely over the top heated which is VERY rare) and told her to go f-herself. I hung up, called the phone company and cancelled the cellphone i had for her in my name because her credit was too shot from all the times she relapsed and ignored her bills, and intended to never speak to her again. Well, i had to call her about a week or two ago because she was calling and leaving me countless drunken emails, and then called and harrassed my older brother, and then left me a nasty voicemail after that. I swear, she is so bipolar, I'd get nice i love you messages, and then ones that said i was nothing but an asshole exactly like my brother. I found it more hilarious than anything at first, but it got to be entirely too much. Especially the one that said "Hey moo, it's mom. listen, theres a storm coming and the sky is really dark and you can tell it's going to thunder and lightening real bad, and i just wanted to say....I hope it's your brother's wedding. I love you, byeee" and she said it sweet as pie, had me thinking she was going to try and rope me in by reminding me of how we used to watch storms together, and she said that crap!! WTF?!
Either way, i called her and told her that she needed to leave me alone and fought with her about how she was drunk in half the freaking voicemails she left me, and even drunker at that moment while we were talking. She tried fighting with me that she wasn't as she slurred her words, she was almost incomprehensible. Realizing that it was turning into the same pattern, i threw a couple of not so nice phrases at her again, and told her to have a nice life....I had never cursed at my mother in my entire life up until now. I was always nice. Even when i was mad, i was nice, and i'm not gonna lie, it felt really good to finally let it all out, and it feels even better now that i don't speak to her anymore. I don't have to spend everyday trying to decipher her phone calls and texts and worry about whether she's drunk or not. But at the same time i feel guilty. I feel like i have abandoned her. I keepp trying to remind myself that she's the one who abandoned me by continually picking up that bottle, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
I know this is a rather long rant, and trust me, this is the short version, but i need to know...am i doing the right thing? or am i the worst daughter in the world?