Discussion Topic

Walk away

Posted on 11/24/09, 07:01 pm
Any book I have read on this topic states that anyone with this disorder can never change. They don't have it because something in their life made them that way. They are born with it. Nobody matters but themselves. They ruin the confidence and the being of their children. 95% of their children suffer. People used to tell me that something bad must have happened to my mother, No, there is nothing that made her who she is, My grandmother gave birth to two narcissistic daughters. She wasn't a narcissist even if she is a rude person. The only way anyone can ever start to heal is that they have to walk away from that parent, If you tolerate them, they win. They still control every emotion and every horrible thought you have about yourself. I am not saying this because I am healed. I am far from it. I walked away though. She still hunts me down because she can't lose. I don't want her in my head. She doesn't deserve the space or my time. That is what I am trying to do and I think anyone out here who has anything to do with that person, you haven't taken the first step towards healing
Showing 9 Replies
  • Reply #1 11/24/09  10:26pm
    Agreed.
    The theory is that NPD brain is damaged around age 2-4 and empathy pathways do not develop. They simply do not have access to that part of the brain. Your grandma might have caused it or not. Who knows. It happened. They are disabled people that operate with a different brain.
    There is no healthy interaction with NPD person. My shrink says i must sever my attachment to my mom by focusing on other attachments. I can make phone calls once in a while for appearances sake etc.. but the attachment has to go. I have no urge to call my parents. I never call them, its their punishment. I'd like to move from the anger to just not caring soon.

    It is upsetting to me when people talk about loving their parents. That part really sucks. And than not being able to explain why I dont love mine. It is so incomprehensible to normal people. Sigh. I am going to get better at explaining. Like for example, my mom never hugged me and said I love you. How is it possible for me to love such a person. It just isnt.
  • Reply #2 11/25/09  5:29pm
    Thank you Kath for agreeing with me. I hope some day other people can figure out walking away from these people is the best thing you can do with yourself. I see you do your homework as much as I do. I needed answers. I needed to stop blaming myself for being a bad human being.
  • Reply #3 11/25/09  6:14pm
    No contact with any narcissist is the best thing. In some circumstances people are not able to do it but if you can then do.

    I had the interesting and life saving experience of leaving home at 21 and prior to that I was staying w/ friends for about 1.5 years. I was well on my way. Luckily my mother was preoccupied with her now husband to not be concerned or aware of my ability to up and leave to college and visit only on holidays.

    Coming back to my life in the bay area after being at home a few or more days was always a trip. It took well over a week to detox but that wasn't a full detox. I finally detoxed the past 5 years in therapy. Now there is no big connection and I can even visit her 3 or 4 times a year with work and awareness involved but I no longer carry the heaviness nor am I enmeshed any longer.

    Things change when enmeshment is not a primary issue and understand boundaries. Understand that we can have boundaries and use them to remain centered and protected from the harmful slime that escapes a narcissist mouth.

    Betting away is the first step towards healing.I can understand why my mother is the way she is but that doesn't seem to matter in the end. What matters is self reclamation and the realization that one is no longer the object of the narcissist. Narcissist relate to people as objects. They do not feel or interpret an individual with separate needs and this has to do with empathy.

    So when around a narcissist watch for the object relation. Consider the fact that you are merely a toaster when speaking and interacting. It is a vacant space and with Self reclamation , sense of self is established on a deeper level and the narcissist can no longer play with the objects head.

    The person called parent is no longer a parent. The disorder is prevalent to the actual skill of parenting.

    pageo
  • Reply #4 11/26/09  10:34pm
    Wow, I never knew this:

    The theory is that NPD brain is damaged around age 2-4 and empathy pathways do not develop. They simply do not have access to that part of the brain.

    That is really interesting. Certainly it was true of my XN (BF - not parent).
  • Reply #5 11/30/09  10:55pm
    For me it is not so simple to just walk away from my mother. We live in the same City and she is not a horrible grandmother - she has her moments, trust me. And I don't completely hate her. I feel bad for her because her life has probably not been that happy. And I am angry at her because she has no awareness of how she has affected my life.

    What I am really interested in is what Pageo is suggesting that l not let her "slime" contaminate me. I know this is not going to happen overnight but even just beginning the work my attitude has changed - don't get me wrong, she still has a big affect on me - but now I look at her more like a speciman rather than someone who can hurt me. Also I know I have to work on boundaries. She only gets me if I let her in.
  • Reply #6 12/02/09  8:27am
    arat, I think detaching from wanting the approval and not internalizing the critiism of the N mothers is what we must strive for if we are going to continue our relationships with NMs. My mother is a low level Narc and I do not feel NC is warranted or needed. Also we live in different States so I do not see her often and I am mainly triggered when I see her in person.

    I have a magnet on my refrigerator that saids: All things change when we do. So profound, once we release the expectations of having a sweet, kind and maternal kind of mother. The kind of mother we wish we had been 'assigned' then we can hope for a better relationship or at least one more grounded in reality. Damn, this is yet another way we slip into fantasy. The fantasty of the perfect parent!!!
  • Reply #7 12/02/09  4:34pm
    Hi everyone, I am new and joined because I realised at the age of 37 my mom is a low level NM and after realising it this year my work has started to heal. I realised I would need a little help, so here I am.
    Arat, it is so comforting to read what you say, not that I am happy to find other kids of NM's, Iwish none of us had to go through that experience (or still currently experiencing its effects) but it is comforting to know I am not alone.
    I am hoping to find some practical tips to deal with my mom and to talk about my feelings. I used to defend her as a nromal mom who tried her best and just made mistakes. However after she came to visit me for 3 months - we live in different countries (Now I understand why) I have come to realise who she realy is and its been very painful. I am really keen to start my own family, but I believe that subcontiously this issues has prevented me from getting pregnant. So you can understand that I have lost of work and not that much time to waste. I know it will take a while, but I have to move towards healing. I used to criticise my hubbie and other rfiends for the way they "soiled" their kids becuase until recently I believed that is the way its supposed to be....Shocker Moms (dad died when I was 2 so I only have this reference) are suppose to take care of their kids not the other way around, which has been my true personal belief.
    The first step is as Susy says giving up the fantasy....I am almost there, but its hard to give up that dream and letting go and accepting (although logically I know - emotionally its takes a little more) that I will never have that childhood filled with aceptance, security and real love.
  • Reply #8 12/02/09  6:11pm
    Welcome to the group aMUSEing. I am just now figuring out my mom so we can be in this together. I also tried to defend my mom for years, give her a pass. but sometimes, it's time to move on and figure it out- she is narcissistic and the world does completely revolve around her. We will be here to listen and support!
  • Reply #9 12/04/09  8:55pm
    I haven't had a chance to research root causes much yet, but that sounds like my mom--her parents wre fantastic. Only I wondrered is maybe they spoiled her too much or something.

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A space to explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences that have occurred as result of our childhoods with narcissistic parents (one or both). It is hoped that we can use this space as a further tool by which to take control of our lives from those we have inadvertantly relinquished it to, heal the hurt and be happy.