I am really sorry you had this experience. My son was in and out of foster care for the 1st four years of his life. He was taken from his bio parents repeatedly due to gross neglect and abuse. Trying to make a long sordid story short, after much help from the state, things were getting worse and the state decided to pursue a permanent replacement. That is where we came in. David was placed with us and we were considered foster parents until the adoption was final. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, just that it doesn't have to be the way you experienced it.
The state told us it was a "done deal." Just a formality. I HATED those stupid checks from the state! It was a monthly reminder to us that, legally, we were nothing more than glorified paid babysitters! We had no rights at all. Even when the bio parents fought in court for 2 1/2 years to get him back, and appealed all the way to state supreme court, we were not allowed to attend any of the sessions!!!! He had been with us for 2 years, and I was not allowed to go to supreme court to listen or to testify on my son's behalf! I prayed like you cannot imagine that things would be over. For over 2 1/2 years, I had people coming to my house and going to the school and asking questions. I always felt like I was being watched. When my son was tackled on the playground at school by another child, the school nurse called me as she thought his finger was broken. I rushed him to the local children's hospital. I was given the 3rd degree over how his finger got broken. I finally realized that they thought I was bio mom and had to have my husband and the state fax the appropriate documentation on. I got a face to face apology from one of the administrators of the hospital.
2 1/2 years of nightmares (God-awful ones) ended the day I told him everything was done and no one would ever take him away again. My son came to live with us when he was 4. A paper bag full of yucky clothes and not a single toy. It just broke my heart. We have been through hell and back and I would not change a thing. I love him and he truly, 100% is my son. He is 12 now. We still go to counseling. We still have issues. He is ADHD. I used all of that state money for clothes, toys and to start his college fund. And the foster mom that David was with before us? Love her. David calls her mom mom and she is his grandmother and David still goes to visit, sends cards, calls her. And every summer spends a week with them on a trip.
I have saved all of the paperwork for my son for when he is older. We also found out last year that he has 2 other siblings from same bio parents, also adopted out to other people. Broke my heart in so many ways as I wish we could have adopted them too and kept them together. And I mean it broke my heart! That is my one true bad comment about the system, and the one way I think the system failed those babies! And for whatever reason, the other adoptive parents won't let the kids see each other which has really hurt my son bad.
So again, I am sorry that you had the experiences you had. I have been on DS for over 1 1/2 years. Met a lot of Amoms, adoptees, bio moms. Some with good experiences, some bad. Hopefully when you have your own family, you will know what not to do. I came from a pretty screwed up situation myself. One thing I can say, both my brothers, my sister and my self, we are ALL dedicated, hands on parents, unlike our own bio parents. I think we are all determined to give our kids what we lacked as kids.
Take care! You are always welcome to vent here!
Discussion Topic
A need to vent.
Posted on 09/18/09, 10:29 am
I am extremely frustrated, the more i try to search for my birthmom harder it gets and the more i read what documents i do have the more little details pop out at you such as....i was born in 61 but my adoption wasn't finalized til 68 so where was i for 7 years? well apparently i was with these people as a foster child for seven years because i was a source of income and after 7 they HAD to adopt me or return me to the state, you know, i should have seen this way back when, its no flippin wonder i didn't know my last name until 2nd grade, and is no flippin wonder i never called them mom and dad i always had to use their names, this sucks! you grow up with people you "think" are your parents and then who do you trust more than any body on the planet? your parents. then you find out they had been lying to you the whole time, WTF! and then you figure oh well it doesn't change who i am or what i've become and it was all done out of love, yada yada yada, BULL****! i was a source of income for 7 years and an expense after that.
No wonder i was on the street at 15, no wonder my dad was never around until he showed up to move us to a new dump he wouldn't pay rent on.
no wonder by the age of 10 i knew how to turn the electricity, water and gas back on after they had been shut off, no wonder my mom was drunk all the time and every night she went to the bars i would sit in the car all night and would have to drive her home at the age of 10.
No Wonder I don't trust anybody....no flippin wonder.
No wonder i was on the street at 15, no wonder my dad was never around until he showed up to move us to a new dump he wouldn't pay rent on.
no wonder by the age of 10 i knew how to turn the electricity, water and gas back on after they had been shut off, no wonder my mom was drunk all the time and every night she went to the bars i would sit in the car all night and would have to drive her home at the age of 10.
No Wonder I don't trust anybody....no flippin wonder.
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Reply #1 09/18/09 4:58pm
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Reply #2 09/21/09 11:51am
Thanks Kahlua,
after reading my vent again i realize how upset i was at that moment and how nice it is to have a place to express how you are feeling at any given time.....whew!!
We do have two sons that were adopted from birth and they both know that they are adopted, and i also have contact info for their birthmoms if they should ever choose to contact them.
Things are different nowadays, people are more open ands willing to share stuff. it was a different world in the 60's and i 'm sure they must have been trying to protect me (my amom anyway), and i heard that she wanted to tell me after we had adopted our boys but she never got the courage and i am not sure how i would have handled it then either.
I did find out that i was the product of a one night stand where my bmom was mad at her husband and went to a bar and picked some guy up
and lo and behold here i am. and the story goes on from there but bottom line i am here and not another abortion statistic.
It is sometimes frustrating though and i should have had a clue just because of the way things were in my family but oh well.
So anyway i decided that i am not going to search anymore, i am going to spend more time with my family and less time on the computer,
The only thing i still want to do though is do an ethnicity test for me and my youngest as his bmom has no idea who or what the father is and i am just curious for me.
Thanks I feel better now! -
Reply #3 09/21/09 4:28pm
I was born in 1961 also
a tough time to get any help or advice
however i didnt find out i was adopted till i was 46yrs old so havent had to wonder for all these years.
how frustrating for you
I think it is so sad that the other adoptive parents wont let the children see their bio siblings
dont they realise the potential harm they are doing to their relationship with their kids when they find out one day? -
Reply #4 09/22/09 12:45pm
Mouse,
how do you feel about that discovery? do you know anything of your biomom? -
Reply #5 09/22/09 2:19pm
It is ok to vent and get it out. Just as long as it take over who we are!
Plus you can not let it take over your search or taint any results you get or how you might treat someone you speak with. I had the same problems. I did not have a group like DS to help. I was active in a strong support group.
God Bless you.
Paul
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