The experiences of all members of the triad are different. Some birth moms claim they have no feelings and maybe they do not. But others can not deal with the emotions and loss. Their child has not died but he is gone. They know that he is out there some where. Some people have the emotion and they can not get over it even if the child came back to them. It is possibly all they have is their grief and anger.
That is why I keep suggesting a good support group, keeping a journal and other things to help. The prayer is good. Remember we may not be able to save the whole world but possibly a little part.
I need to thing about your posting a bit more. It is not a rant. It is your feelings and emotions. Bless you!
Paul
Discussion Topic
How could they feel this way!
Posted on 07/30/09, 12:04 pm
I was in the adoption discussion group, reading through some posts, and I had some huge concerns. I was too afraid to post them in the adoption discussion group, as I have seen this discussion get ugly. But I don't understand this at all. It just really bothered me.
The original poster was a birthmom, looking for support from other birthmoms. Apparently, her child was taken from her at age 6 and eventually adopted out. I can understand her grief and loss. Even though I am on the other side of the equation as an adoptive mom, I can still feel compassion. The biological mom felt that her child was stolen, and that she was "wronged", and prayed for her daughter to remember her. But she goes on to say that she is her "real" mother, and that she hoped that her daughter gave her adoptive parents a very difficult time and never failed to remind them who her "real" mother was. So many other biological mothers jumped on that band wagon!
I just took such great offense to this. I really wanted so badly to post a response to them (not cruel, but tactfully telling them that there are 3 sides to this equation.) My offense doesn't only come from being an A-mom, but being a MOM! I mean, I love my son! He comes first. His happiness and his health and well being come first and foremost in my mind! How could a mother ever want their child to be unhappy and to wish that on them and their adoptive family? If you truly loved your child, and the termination/adoption cannot be undone, then for the sake of the child, you have to pray for their happiness! Right?
I didn't "steal" anyone's child. My son's bio parents were given 4 years of therapy, assistance, money, nursing care, medical care, etc. My son was still abused and neglected and will have emotional scars for the rest of his life. I love him in spite of all of that. There was one point where (after living with us for over 2 consecutive years, I thought they were going to send him back to his bio parents), out of sheer and unconditional love for my son, I literally prepared him to go back. If I had to give him up, if the state felt that that was what was in his best interests, then I had to make that transition as best as I could for him. I would have died, but I would have done WHATEVER I had to do for the best interest of my son. It really and truly was THEN how much I realized he was my son, and always would be, and how much I truly loved him and was willing to sacrifice.
When you are a "real" parent, you sacrifice yourself for the child. ALWAYS!
I tell my son to pray for his bio parents. (They ultimately lost 4 out of 4 kids that we are aware of so far to TPR and adoption.) Pray for them to get help. Pray for them to be happy and have fullfilling lives. I don't wish ill on anyone. And, as a Christian, I teach my son to forgive. Not only when it is asked for, but especially when it isn't! Why would I want my son to carry around that pain for the rest of his life? Bad things happen. That's life.
I read through those posts and I read about how she said she fought for her children. There was no elaboration. I mean, my son's bio parents fought in court for 2 1/2 years after 4 years of just terrible, awful things. I never understood that. Were they in denial? They blamed everyone else but themselves for failing. I am not blaming anyone, but at some point, when a child is in and out of foster care for years, over and over, there HAS to come a point where someone (a judge) says: "Enough is enough." Now we need to do what is best for the child. If the bio parents are working, trying, going to counseling, making improvements, then I am all for reunification and support, whatever it takes. But children are not possessions. My son just has so many issues related to not only the neglect and abuse, but the constant moving around. Huge attachment and anger issues.
Should all bio parents (who had a child removed and not voluntarily relinquished) be chuckling out there? I just find that attitude sad and appalling! I just want us to be a family like everyone else. I just want my son to do well in school, be happy, be healthy, grow up to be a good man. In spite of everything, I want him to have as normal a childhood as he possibly can, and I work and strive to see that he has that every day. And it has nothing to do with money!
OK. Done rambling. Thanks for letting me safely vent my feelings. Again, I am basing this on my own personal experience and mean no offense to anyone else.
The original poster was a birthmom, looking for support from other birthmoms. Apparently, her child was taken from her at age 6 and eventually adopted out. I can understand her grief and loss. Even though I am on the other side of the equation as an adoptive mom, I can still feel compassion. The biological mom felt that her child was stolen, and that she was "wronged", and prayed for her daughter to remember her. But she goes on to say that she is her "real" mother, and that she hoped that her daughter gave her adoptive parents a very difficult time and never failed to remind them who her "real" mother was. So many other biological mothers jumped on that band wagon!
I just took such great offense to this. I really wanted so badly to post a response to them (not cruel, but tactfully telling them that there are 3 sides to this equation.) My offense doesn't only come from being an A-mom, but being a MOM! I mean, I love my son! He comes first. His happiness and his health and well being come first and foremost in my mind! How could a mother ever want their child to be unhappy and to wish that on them and their adoptive family? If you truly loved your child, and the termination/adoption cannot be undone, then for the sake of the child, you have to pray for their happiness! Right?
I didn't "steal" anyone's child. My son's bio parents were given 4 years of therapy, assistance, money, nursing care, medical care, etc. My son was still abused and neglected and will have emotional scars for the rest of his life. I love him in spite of all of that. There was one point where (after living with us for over 2 consecutive years, I thought they were going to send him back to his bio parents), out of sheer and unconditional love for my son, I literally prepared him to go back. If I had to give him up, if the state felt that that was what was in his best interests, then I had to make that transition as best as I could for him. I would have died, but I would have done WHATEVER I had to do for the best interest of my son. It really and truly was THEN how much I realized he was my son, and always would be, and how much I truly loved him and was willing to sacrifice.
When you are a "real" parent, you sacrifice yourself for the child. ALWAYS!
I tell my son to pray for his bio parents. (They ultimately lost 4 out of 4 kids that we are aware of so far to TPR and adoption.) Pray for them to get help. Pray for them to be happy and have fullfilling lives. I don't wish ill on anyone. And, as a Christian, I teach my son to forgive. Not only when it is asked for, but especially when it isn't! Why would I want my son to carry around that pain for the rest of his life? Bad things happen. That's life.
I read through those posts and I read about how she said she fought for her children. There was no elaboration. I mean, my son's bio parents fought in court for 2 1/2 years after 4 years of just terrible, awful things. I never understood that. Were they in denial? They blamed everyone else but themselves for failing. I am not blaming anyone, but at some point, when a child is in and out of foster care for years, over and over, there HAS to come a point where someone (a judge) says: "Enough is enough." Now we need to do what is best for the child. If the bio parents are working, trying, going to counseling, making improvements, then I am all for reunification and support, whatever it takes. But children are not possessions. My son just has so many issues related to not only the neglect and abuse, but the constant moving around. Huge attachment and anger issues.
Should all bio parents (who had a child removed and not voluntarily relinquished) be chuckling out there? I just find that attitude sad and appalling! I just want us to be a family like everyone else. I just want my son to do well in school, be happy, be healthy, grow up to be a good man. In spite of everything, I want him to have as normal a childhood as he possibly can, and I work and strive to see that he has that every day. And it has nothing to do with money!
OK. Done rambling. Thanks for letting me safely vent my feelings. Again, I am basing this on my own personal experience and mean no offense to anyone else.
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Reply #1 08/01/09 7:04pm
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Reply #2 08/03/09 4:05pm
Thanks Paul. I am sure you are right, that this is her way of dealing with her grief and loss, and possibly even guilt. When I was reading the post and reading the responses, after I got past the initial hurt and offense, I just felt that they were being selfish. I have talked with other bio moms who had a better experience or met the adoptive families or whatever, and felt differently. I was too angry to answer their posts. I hate to hurt others' feelings as well.
There had been a heated discussion about a year ago in the adoption discussion group about adoptees being abused by adoptive parents. It is a shame but it does happen. But there were people on all 3 sides that said all kinds of hurtful things. I had 3 friends here is DS who were A moms of older &/or special needs kids who I miss dearly, as they left during all of that heated discussion.
But I am here to try to learn and have an open mind.
Thanks for your ears! Bless you too! -
Reply #3 08/06/09 12:58pm
to me it sounds as if the mother you spoke about was venting her hurt feelings.possibly in the only forum that she is able to.i would not take it personally
At the same time i commend you on your dedication and love for your son.Children need love and security and whtaever the parents were like it was not you who told them to be like this.What would we children have done without you wonderful adoptive parents to give us good homes and love.Yes i know many of you have not had this but isnt this the ultimate aim of adoption ie to place a child in a loving enviroment where he or she is loved and card for?thanks to mums like you and many others -
Reply #4 08/10/09 5:25pm
I love you Mouse! -
Reply #5 08/10/09 10:05pm
I saw your comment and it really touched me
it has been such a tough week losing my job and all so this means a lot thankyou
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