dsoucy

Jokes Vol. 2

Posted on 11/23/08, 10:07 am

Time for a new joke thread, the other one is getting long. I hope to see and share some funny stuff here- Let's start with the holidays...


2008's First Christmas Joke




Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

• Reply #1 11/28/08  8:56am
  
  dsoucy
  Dear Santa,
  
  Please send me a baby brother.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Santa wrote back:
  
  "Send me your mother..."
  
  
  
• Reply #2 12/09/08  4:34pm
  
  dsoucy
  A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
  
  The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
  
  Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
  
  After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, â?¦
  
  "How many is a Brazilian?"
  
  
  
• Reply #3 12/10/08  6:29pm
  
  freeinspirit
  A Love Story
  
  I will seek and find you.
  I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
  I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
  I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
  I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
  And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
  
  All my love,
  The Flu
  
  **Now get your mind out of the gutter & wash your hand regularly! :)~
• Reply #4 12/11/08  3:05pm
  
  freeinspirit
  A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
  
  When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
  
  Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
  
  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
  
  Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
  
  Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
  
  Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
  
  The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
  
  And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
• Reply #5 12/16/08  12:00pm
  
  dsoucy
  Subject: Weeweechu
  
  
  It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do
  Weeweechu."
  
  
  Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
  
  
  Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the
  perfect time," Pedro begged.
  
  
  "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
  
  
  Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
  
  
  Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
  
  
  Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..
  
  
  "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a
  Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
  
  
  MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
  
• Reply #6 12/28/08  9:42pm
  
  freeinspirit
  A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
  
  He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
  
  Passenger: "Who?"
  
  Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
  
  Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
  
  Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
  
  Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
  
  Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
  
  Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
  
  Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
  
  Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
  
  Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow."
• Reply #7 12/31/08  7:04pm
  
  dsoucy
  ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES
  
  A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
  many kinds of boobs are there?
  
  The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
  breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
  Firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
  bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
  
  'Onions?'
  
  'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
  
  
  This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many
  kinds of 'willies' are there?'
  The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
  three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
  Mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch , flexible but
  reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Ch ristmas tree'.
  
  'A Christmas tree?'
  
  'Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
• Reply #8 02/08/09  12:06am
  
  freeinspirit
  Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
  
  What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
  Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
  If:
  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
  is represented as:
  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
  Then:
  H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
  8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
  and
  K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
  11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
  But,
  A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
  And,
  B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
  2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
  AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
  A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
  1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
  
  So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
• Reply #9 03/13/09  4:42pm
  
  freeinspirit
  TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOUR DOG'S HAIRCUT COSTS MORE THAN YOURS:
  
  10. YOUR HAIRDRESSER DOESN'T WASH AND CLEAN YOUR REAR END.
  9. YOU DON'T GO FOR EIGHT WEEKS WITHOUT WASHING OR BRUSHING YOUR HAIR.
  8. YOUR HAIRDRESSER DOESN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU A SANITARY TRIM.
  7. YOUR HAIRDRESSER DOESN HAVE TO REMOVE THE BOOGIES FROM YOUR EYES.
  6. YOU SIT STILL FOR YOUR HAIRDRESSER.
  5. YOUR HAIRCUT DOESN'T INCLUDE A MANICURE AND PEDICURE.
  4. YOUR HAIRDRESSER ONLY WASHES AND CUTS THE HAIR ON YOUR HEAD.
  3. YOU DON'T BITE OR SCRATCH YOUR HAIRDRESSER.
  2. YOUR HAIRDRESSER DOESN'T HAVE TO CLEAN YOUR EARS.
  
  AND THE #1 REASON WHY YOUR DOG'S HAIRCUT COST MORE THAN YOURS:
  1. THE ODDS OF YOU POOPING OR PEEING WHILE YOU ARE BEING BEAUTIFIED ARE SLIM.

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