Join Now
Why I Will Never Wax My Ass... Again: Part 2
|
Problem 1: How do I see what I'm doing back there? Problem 2: Which way does butt hair grow? As for 1), I tried everything. I don't have a mirror that goes down to the floor, so I tried standing and turning, but with my bad back (could this be any more pathetic?), I simply couldn't get a good look at my ass. I tried lying on the counter-top, but that just looked a bit too 1970's bad supermodel for me. I'm not going to tell you the position I ended up in, but be thankful that you don't have to visualize it. Now Problem 2) was much trickier. I'm not sure how many hairy men's butts you've looked at, but, honestly, figuring out what direction the hair comes from is a serious challenge. At first I thought it was heading hips to crack, but then some, inexplicably, seemed to be growing north, and some just seemed to be growing like weeds in the sidewalk cracks. Upon my close inspection, I realized that my ass is quite a fertile hair-growing ground, and given the recent challenges we've had with our vegetable garden, I contemplated the parallels between my butt and my garden. Minimal sun, to be sure, but easy access to fertilizer?
So I pulled, and....err, nothing happened. The strip came off, the ripping sound was there, but it didn't hurt...and the hair hadn't moved an inch. Crap! Apparently my butt hair has strong roots, and wasn't impressed by my feeble attempts to dislodge it. So, of course, figuring I did it wrong, I slapped 10 more strips to various locations on my butt and started pulling. I think, in all, about 6 hairs were removed, which means I am now .0000003% less hairy. Meanwhile, they don?t tell you that the wax on the strips becomes a matted mess all over your back and butt. I got in the shower, where I once again marveled over the phenomenon that wax and water don't mix, and despite 10 minutes of scrubbing, the wax wasn't going anywhere. Then, among the debris of my failed attempt, I noticed a blue bottle of "after wax" care. Ignoring the warnings, I slapped the blue flowery smelling liquid all over my butt. It worked, so I put more on...the searing chemicals did their job of burning off the wax (but, of course, having no effect on the indestructible hair). And then, the liquid hit parts of me that it probably wasn't supposed to, and the burning started. I'm going to pause this story here, as I think I've embarrassed myself enough for both this and future generations of my family. I'm now fully recovered (except for the mental scars), and I hope I put a bit of a smile into your day. At the very least, I apologize for ruining whatever meal you were thinking about having in the next few hours. Stay tuned... next, I'll explore why men go bald at the same time as hair comes out of every other part of their bodies? Hope y'all are doing well. More Articles You Might Like: |
Throwing caution to the wind, I slapped on 5 wax band-aids and then just stood there, looking like someone who had just had major butt surgery. After a few seconds, I grabbed on to the edge of the strip and prepared to pull. I expected pain - lots of it, given the amount of hair that would be coming off in one fell swoop. I pictured a big red welt I'd be explaining to my wife for weeks.
