Validating Your Abuse is an Essential Part of the Healing Process by Julie Cohen/Marriage and Family Therapist: at DailyStrength Doctors and Experts

Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…

More About Me >>

FAST FACTS

Validating Your Abuse is an Essential Part of the Healing Process

Posted in Anxiety by Julie Cohen on Jan 18, 2009

Recently, I have been reconnecting with friends that I haven't seen in over 30 years! All of us attended the same elementary and middle school. We have been reminiscing about a teacher that used to have a big wooden paddle and would paddle us with it on each of our birthdays. Remember this was a long time ago and I am sure if it happened today he would have been arrested. Each of us vividly remembers that paddle and the anxiety filled weeks that lead up to the BIG day. Back then, nobody considered that abuse and it was only a few years after they banned spanking in schools as a form of discipline. All the parents knew it was happening as well as other school faculty members. No one really thought twice about it except for the kids who had experienced the paddle or were waiting to experience it.

Quite honestly, I haven't thought much about that experience over the years and don't think that it has particularly affected my life. But, I was amazed how validating it felt when my former classmates started talking about how scared they were as well as recalling their own personal "paddling" in great depth.

I started thinking about the many victims of abuse that I have worked with over the years and what an important role validating the abuse plays in the healing process. Validation is especially important if the abuse happened a long time ago or if it's been kept a secret. Many victims have trouble identifying the abuse as "abuse" or even questioning if it ever really happened. I always make it a part of the recovery process to acknowledge with my client that the abuse did happen, that it was abuse and that it was not their fault. This acknowledgment helps to resolve shame and guilt that often accompanies victims of abuse. It also helps build a sense of self-worth and empowerment. If you are a victim of abuse I would encourage you to find a supportive environment to process what has happened. Good sources for support and validation are therapists, clergy, friends or relatives.

Previous: Inappropriate Friends

: The Art of Saying Yes

CATEGORIES: News

CONDITIONS AND COMMUNITIES: Anxiety • Bipolar Disorder • Breakups & Divorce • Codependency • Coming Out • Depression • Depression Supporters • Family & Friends of Bipolar • Family Issues • Grandparents Raising Children • Loneliness • Panic Attacks • Physical & Emotional Abuse • Seasonal Affective Disorder • Self-Injury • Sexual Abuse • Stress Management • Transgender

TAGS:

Displaying comments 32-13 of 32

I have discovered that Clergy may NOT be good people to talk to if they are not trained. Two days after we found out that my son-in-law had raped my younger 13 year old daughter and she was pregnant, we met with the pastor and my daughter and her husband and the first words out of the pastor's lips were, "Before we start I just want you to know that whenever their are family problems that there is always fault on BOTH sides." Two weeks later when I was crying he told me I needed to forget about my problems and help other people. We were pushed for a quick and
immediate forgiveness. We were NEVER validated. We were given NO support at all though the church welcomed him with open arms after he got out of jail as he was now a "real" Christian and not
"fake" one like before and we were seen as the problem for not trusting him completely and our "unforgiveness" was touted as the greatest sin.

By bgranny Oct 15, 2009

I'm with you there CatlovesDi - reassurance is NOT validation. I have had years and years of it from 'well-meaning' family members. The last time I was even asked 'why do I want validation?'. I couldn't even answer beause it's not a question I ever thought someone would need to ask.

My extended family know what I suffered as a child but instead of acknowledging it, they actually want me to pretend it didn't happen - I guess this makes them feel better, and they honestly think it will make me feel better.

But the truth is being able to talk about it freely won't, as they seem to think, send me into a spiral of despair - quite the opposite. It would allow me to finally be able to trust my feelings and know that my truth has been heard. How can they think that telling me not to feel what I genuinely feel, and understandbly so, is in my best interests?

They think I'm 'stuck', but I'm only stuck because they still haven't heard me so I have to keep repeating it. I've put together a reasonable semblance of a life - no-one could call me a victim, sitting around feeling sorry for myself. But they won't let me put my baggage down even for a moment, so I have to keep carrying it.

Like you said about the therapist's office, many therapists are exactly the same - 'it's not about your parents' I've been told. In other words, don't leave that stuff here. Watch the movie Reign Over Me to see the healing power of sharing your truth and your story. I just wish our society could understand this one simple concept.

By Anni64 Mar 02, 2009

I think that is what I am looking for. Validation, some closure. Sometimes I will cry and I don't really know why. There is so much pain that I just can't get rid of. It hurt to be told "Your not worth anything" It hurts to be beat and yelled at all night long while you Mom and Sister are watching. It hurts that your Mom acts like it never happened. It hurts that your husband kept you so isolated, so upset, always striving, reaching for his approval (never quite getting it). When he hits at you, you dodge, and he threatens to take your children far far away. I don't want to hurt anymore. I feel like I have wasted half of my life trying to please a man. I am on the other side of that wall and looking around now. I have been to some counselling and there are some beautiful things going on in my life now. I just have healing to do and don't know quite how to get there. My ex has my 15 year old boy. The court's didn't help me. I do have my 10 year old son, they let my 15 year old choose. He chose Dad. It broke my heart. How could he, I protected him. We've all walked on eggshells for so long... together. Why? He chose his friends, his routine, his comfort zone. And I can do nothing about it. This pile of pain, this wad of wounds, it's not a box you can send back to the abuser, it's not something you can throw in a fire, or something you can dig a hole and burry. What do I do with it?

By JleaM Jan 28, 2009

thats what i feel i need...VALIDATION. i want it from my ex who did the abusing...ive tried explaining to him how it made and makes me feel, the prblems i have because of it...but he blames it on me...and i wonder if i even have a right to think about it or ...feel affected...i kno ic an be ahrd to deal with and when angry i can be mean and say mean things...but then i wonder, is that still a good reason to hit me? no..i do know that but this is osmething i struggle with.

By striving4happiness Jan 26, 2009

When I was in Kindergarten to grade two, the leather strap was the weapon of choice by the teachers. It was very illegal at the time but those particular teachers beat the hell out of us anyhow (early 80's).

When I look back at it now, and knowing what I know now, I would have got my parents to have the police to those teachers and had them behind bars.

By InTheStillOfTheNight Jan 26, 2009

This is so important to me and I cant believe what I am reading as a couple of weeks ago, I took the decision to let my brother see something my counsellor had written to me and it absolutley terrified me in case he said "It's all in your head" He really helped me and my husband saw a massive weight literally come off of my shoulders when my brother confirmed to me that he remembers the abuse and would get up0 in any court and swear that it was true xxxx Now reading this has made sense as to why xxx

By MOooser Jan 24, 2009

Thank you for the article and encouragement. I suffered from physical, sexual an emotional abuse by my father, ex-husband and other men I has intimately involved with. It seems as though the search for male love and acceptance always came with abuse. This abuse "changed" who I was and the way my brain chemistry works. I have suffered from severe panic attacks and depression. I now have a mood disorder that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

After many years of therapy and medication I have learned the "cognitive" skills to accept what happended to me without shame, guilt and repressed anger. I am at peace now mainly because while I know I will never have the love of my father that I needed so much as a child, I love myself which is the most important of all.

God be with you.

By terriann1000 Jan 23, 2009

FYI: I was married to an abusive man for thirteen years. We divorced in 1981. In 2006 I was diagnosed with dementia and a brain tumor. My doctors can actually see where I was unconcious and semi-conscious or as the boxers call it, TKO'd!!! I have been told that dementia can actually cause brain tumors. My dementia causes short term memory loss. When I say short term, I mean very short term!!! I want so badly to get on "Oprah" or Dr. Phil and tell my story! I want to, or need to, tell my story and maybe save some young woman from facing the future I am now living! Can you help me contact these shows?

By qutee Jan 22, 2009

Thank you so much for this article. I had flashbacks at a meeting on sexual abuse recently that I had to attend, and since then I have been struggling. I'm going to get a counselor in the near future.

By EthelM Jan 22, 2009

One of the most difficult part of the emotional abuse has been the lack of those who I thought cared for our relationship have chosen under the "co-dependency" file to refuse contact. I understand the need for change and moving on, but not further the sense of loss I feel each day. Just short contact can make all the difference.

By lowestpoint Jan 22, 2009

wow. Julie... You hit the nail on the head. Validation. I've even said it. To my ex-husband. about my ex-husband, about my family. even questioned if things actually happened, when people didnt believe me or thought I was exaggerating. Thanks for putting into words.

By tufkukee Jan 21, 2009

I understand this completly. My family has never once acknowledged the abuse my mother did to us girls. Now that we are grown up. It is never talked about, never ahs and never will be. I was the one who got the worst and when I have tried to talk to them about it they say I made it up. It hurts to be told that. I don't speak to anyone in my family since my father died in 2001. It is better for me this way. I know that now. It took me along time to figure that out that I am a good person and not what they said I was. Abuse is not right in any form. You shoudl not ever want to hurt another just because you hurt. You have to learn how to do what you can for yourself so you can be good to yourself and others. Abuse is a very selfish thing for the abuser, they are the only one who benefits from it at the moment of the abuse. They effect it does to the receiver of the abuse is a ever lasting thing and not far to that person.

By alysa1672 Jan 21, 2009

I have validated my own abuse. I have been abused many many times by the people in my life starting with sexual abuse from my father when I was a baby. I have "done the work" on all of this and still I am haunted by the abuse I have had to endure that continued through my childhood, adulthood, marriage, and again a relationship after my divorce. You would think I would have learned right. Well there are some really horribly manipulative people out there and I guess because I never learned anything but that kind of abuse growing up I could not see it coming at me full force. Now I know more and I see more but that does not help with my feelings of loss, of ever having love, and the constant influx of pain that my heart feels when memories reveal themselves to me still again and again. My family still lives in denial and my mother, who I do not speak to, still carries on the abuse towards me. My only hope is that when she dies things can become ok somehow and I can begin to heal at least some of the pain she has caused in my life. Validation is not always healing magic.

By desrtrse Jan 21, 2009

Validation for the abuse from someone who is able to do this is crucial, even if it comes from an author of a book. Ideally a counselor experienced in abuse is a great person to validate our experience as real.

Spending such energy trying to convince the abuser of the abuse is futile, which is another reason why validation from someone is so priceless.

By Loved1 Jan 20, 2009

I wish my family read this, denial ha always been their choice.

By amiko Jan 20, 2009

I tried to talk to my abuser about it but she "didn't remeber it" its sad because 6 months later she died

By PaulV67 Jan 19, 2009

I came from a vicious,sexually abusive ad sadistic family and married to get away from them at twenty five totally crippled and flinched when people moved and I couldn't think for myself or use the word 'I'.. I have two children now at 44. One is 11 and has Asperger Syndrome. Another is 8. I am Bipolar2. My marriage of twenty years ha become in the last ten emotionally abusive. My husband downloads hardcore porn on the kids' computer(until I deleted it), and he can be very cruel whilst in public he is the good guy saddled with a burdensome wife and son. He wants to find another woman and hasn't had any luck but he writes to them about me and has lunch with them and writes poetry to them. He won't tell me the bills and knocks me down verbally. I am coming to terms with the fact he doesn't love me, lies to me and wants me to remain overweight and crippled. So, I am having my lap band tightened and seeking training in office work. The problem is I am so depressed and scared. I don't know if I am capable. My husband says I will fall apart and have to be hospitalized. I have no support or friends nearby. Anyhow, I can't believe that I join the ranks of emotionally crippled women. I want my sons strong and healthy. I am college educated and not unintelligent. Yet here I am.

By Lain2 Jan 19, 2009

Julie,
Oh my, how I relate to your article! I have just joined Daily Strength looking for confirmation and validation that I react poorly to emotional abuse. Because of the lack of validation, I have a very bad habit of freezing up when confronted with yelling, harsh words, false accusations. I can't catch my breathe. I can't speak. I can't seem to move. I cry. I mean out of control, crying. This temporary shutdown of my body systems (I pull out of it within hours usually) can not be good for my health. Duh. I just came to that profound realization after decades. Another thought... I think it has everything to do with my weight gain problem. Duh - Do you think? Thanks. Would like to have us become support friends.

By Betteblt Jan 19, 2009

Validation from others seems to be important to us all.

By marymargaret Jan 19, 2009

I am male and was married for 28 years when I got nueropathy, and then Fibromyalgia and the constant pain causes my depression I am Bi Polor It runs in our family, I aways was able to shake off the depression but when I got his with the others I had a hard time hiding it in 2002 I had a nervous Breakdown from work, before I had that I put in for long term disabiliy for depression. After the breakdown I had to charge in my IRA's and my retirement to make the bills each month in July during my prayers I told the Lord I have used all the money I had and was not going to pay my bills in Augest. I received a letter from the state of Arizona that asked how was the request for disability based on depression. I sent them the form back and wrote in big letters across the long form Never mind the City found another way to get rid of me the next month I got a letter from the City of Phoenix telling me Congratulations You have been aproved for long term disability at 66 1/2 percent of my normal pay which worked out to $4726.79 and take home of $4005.28. that gave me more then enough go ppy the bills with what my wife talked me into refinancing the house to pay off all her credit cards and that way we would only have one bill. Then she started staying really late at work and kept buying all type of household items and putting them in the spare room and when I asked her about it she said it was for are youngest daugter that was graduating college in 2002 She started buying all these items year before our daughter graduated. We were still happy I thought I would always kiss her hello and goodbye and she we had a good sex life. then when our daughter graduated two days before our 3th anniversary my wife told me she wanted a divorce because I was to sick for her. I was crushed, I felt like someone hit me in the stomach. I reminded her that in the wedding oath it states that you promise to love and obey each other in sickness and health in richer and poorer till death do us part. She shrugged and said I cannot take this anymore. She packed up al the things that were in the spare bedroom that were supposed to be for our daughter. The daughter moved into a friends apartment near her fiance' so all that stuff she was going out buying for our "daughter" were all for her to set up new houskeeping she took all the good funrniture that was worth anything. This was in November 2007 I moved out of Phoenix as it was to hot for me always and moved back to Grants Pass Oregon. My brother told me that the tenants had moved out out of the trust house my mom had left for us 3 boys. When she heard I had moved back to Oregon without telling her she got very upset. I finally bought a double wide mobile home and in the past two years paid cash for it sold my 2006 caddilac and bought a 2995 buick La Crosse CSX It is like still owning the caddilac because it had everything the caddilac did I call it my mini cadilac but it only cost me 12,912.00 and I was able to pay cash for it from the proceeds of the caddilac. I like my home I am comfortable here and I have my own schedule. My problem I cannot get over her. After 30 years it is like losing a limb. Especially when I really thought we were happy. How do you get over that type of happening. there is no way I have found no way of not loving her. with all the wonderful memories if anybody knows let me know I am feel so very sad, any suggestions from anyone.

By lour232 Jan 19, 2009

PAGE: < Previous | 1 | 2 | Next >

Got a Question?

Submit

My Fans

More Fans >>