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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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Re-Establishing Intimacy: How uncomfortable are you willing to get?
I was talking to a couple's therapist the other day on the topic of re-establishing intimacy in long-term relationships. Sometimes after infatuation fades, intimacy and sex in a long term relationship can also diminish. If a couple isn't careful sex may stop altogether. When the day to day responsibilities such as work, kids, financial worries or even taking care of elderly parents takes up most of the hours in a day intimacy is often the first to go. When you are exhausted fantasies in the bedroom can easily become all about how many hours of sleep you can get!
It's a slippery slope when you put intimacy on the backburner to all other responsibilities. Before you know it, sex may go from twice a week to twice a year to none. And the longer there is no intimacy the harder it is recapture it. By the time couples begin to deal with the aftermath of a neglected relationship it can feel like a huge hole to climb out of. Typically, this is a point that one or both partners begin to question if they have reached a point of no return and wonder if the love or lust is gone forever.
I have yet to find the rule book that defines how many times a week, month, day or lifetime that a couple is supposed to have sex. What is most important is how each partner feels about sex or the lack of sex in the relationship. If sex has diminished and this has caused problems then it's a problem. If both partners are happy in the relationship with less or no sex then it may not be a problem.
If it is a problem then my question becomes very important to the health of the relationship. How do you re-establish intimacy? The answer I was given is profoundly simple; you have to be prepared to get uncomfortable before it gets better. You have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone and make establishing a higher level of intimacy a priority. This does not necessarily mean that you jump into bed. It may be much more subtle.
For example, If you typically come home from work and plop down in front of the television or internet you may be contributing to the disconnect in the relationship. A correction may be to come home and have dinner with you partner with no distractions. Again, this may be "uncomfortable" at first but hopefully over time it will get easier and become once again a normal routine. As the comfort level grows the exercises will also become more intimate and hopefully result in a much more connected and fulfilling relationship.
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It isn't the relationship that is at fault, not finding the time......
It's simply that when one is in pain ALL the time, it isn't possible to find a position in which making love is comfortable......
This strength in partnership; with a good communication can only mean better relationship in support of one another. Whatever health/physical challenges may be before them, can be overcome with knowing that there is a bonded relationship. That alone is an intimate root - that both of you will only know. What can be created from there ... is open ..