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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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Is Grief Less Shocking When a Death is Expected?
Last week we lost two American Icons: Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson on the same day. My condolences go out to the both families. It was a tragic day that as an aside shed light on grief and the differences and similarities of a loss that was expected and one that was not.
Some people assume that the grieving process is more painful and difficult for a sudden loss rather than for an expected one. Some of you know firsthand that this is simply not true. You may have had to endure comments such as, "...at least you had time to say goodbye." Although it is meant to bring comfort to a mourner it can feel slightly discounting as if you should have already started the grieving process prior to the loss. Therefore you should not be as sad or shocked after.
A loss is a loss regardless of the circumstance. Even if you knew a loved one was going to die its always shocking when they finally pass away. This is especially true when someone has endured a long chronic illness. Caregivers typically experience a number of "false alarms" where their sick loved one is rushed to the hospital and told that the situation is grim. However, a loved one may survive many crisis situations. That may give a caregiver a false sense of hope. As sick as their loved one is, it seems they will continue indefinitely to defy the odds.
I remember thinking when I heard that Farrah Fawcett had passed away that although it was expected I was surprised that the news still took my breath away. And likewise later that afternoon when I heard about Michael Jackson I had to have someone repeat it three times before it sank in that he had died. Personally, I felt both shock and sadness as not only did I grow up watching both of them but also their untimely deaths were a reminder of how fragile life is and regardless if a loss is expected or not it is nonetheless shocking and sad.
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For Michael I have mixed feelings. Shock in how sudden and unexpected his death was. But in a way relieved he could no longer abuse others with his behaviors. Sadly, I am more worried about his children then anything. I do feel sorry for Michael in that I believe he was truly a troubled person, and was never fully happy with himself or the world. May his soul now rest in peace.