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Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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Is Grief Less Shocking When a Death is Expected?
Last week we lost two American Icons: Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson on the same day. My condolences go out to the both families. It was a tragic day that as an aside shed light on grief and the differences and similarities of a loss that was expected and one that was not.
Some people assume that the grieving process is more painful and difficult for a sudden loss rather than for an expected one. Some of you know firsthand that this is simply not true. You may have had to endure comments such as, "...at least you had time to say goodbye." Although it is meant to bring comfort to a mourner it can feel slightly discounting as if you should have already started the grieving process prior to the loss. Therefore you should not be as sad or shocked after.
A loss is a loss regardless of the circumstance. Even if you knew a loved one was going to die its always shocking when they finally pass away. This is especially true when someone has endured a long chronic illness. Caregivers typically experience a number of "false alarms" where their sick loved one is rushed to the hospital and told that the situation is grim. However, a loved one may survive many crisis situations. That may give a caregiver a false sense of hope. As sick as their loved one is, it seems they will continue indefinitely to defy the odds.
I remember thinking when I heard that Farrah Fawcett had passed away that although it was expected I was surprised that the news still took my breath away. And likewise later that afternoon when I heard about Michael Jackson I had to have someone repeat it three times before it sank in that he had died. Personally, I felt both shock and sadness as not only did I grow up watching both of them but also their untimely deaths were a reminder of how fragile life is and regardless if a loss is expected or not it is nonetheless shocking and sad.
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Displaying comments 23-4 of 63
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Death is hard anyway you experience it!
Thank Goodness we all have DS where we can talk about our grief freely with ones whom accept us and our feelings and thoughts!
Love Rhea
My answer to that is, Yes, she will be prepared -- in so far as he has been able to "put his affairs in order". But when he is gone, there will be a terrible void in her life. And NOTHING can prepare one for that. No one to talk to about one's day, about their work, about the new experiences they have had or new friends or even new enemies. No one to comfort you when you wake up scared, no one to offer comfort to. No one to listen to. It is a void. and nothing, not even time knowing your loved one is going to die, can prepare one for that loss.
Yes I knew it was coming, but certainly not so fast.... and irrespective of that.... we still hadn't really said "goodbye".
My friend was only 40 and in peak health and fitness - so her whole illness was a shock, let alone her death, even though I knew it was coming.
I have experienced the loss of my grandfather where the death was expected, I was deeply affected for quite sometime but in a calmer way. I know the circumstances of losing an elderly relative are quite different to that of losing a partner, but the raw pain and grief I am experiencing over such a sudden, unexpected death is immeasurable.
That said, when it's someone you're not REAL close to, an expected death has been a little easier - but no less shocking. Grandpa's half sister died of pancreatic cancer around 5 years ago. We were never hugely close - she'd visit in the summer and do Christmas stuff through the mail - but it still hurt when she got diagnosed. I don't remember crying this much with her before I got the call, but I wailed when I did get the call that she had passed. Even though I expected the loss, it was no less shocking than when I lost a friend who was a flight nurse on a helicopter that went down. And I know that when I get the call that Grandpa has passed, it will still be just as abrupt.
Thank you 'MyTrueColors' for posting the mourners bill of rights. I actually needed that.
Judy
Friday, June 26, 2009
Experience is the Best Teacher
Today the world remembers Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson both going Home on the same day. Farrah fought her battle for a very long time and had the time to demonstrate that she is a portrait of strength and bravery. Michael left us suddenly. Farrah's friends and family were Blessed with time to 'prepare' if you will, but MOST importantly, time to share. I loved deeply and lost suddenly like Michael's loved ones. I can't think of one thing I would't give to have had time with Nicholas at his moment of passing. I learned something, though, and that is the important thing at this time in my life. Live every moment to the fullest as tomorrow is not guaranteed. This is a cliche, I know, but now has special meaning to me and is enriching my life. Tragedy suffered without lessons learned is the worst tragedy of all.
RIP Farrah and Michael
Again, I really take exception when people tell me 'passing is passing." Obviously they never had a loved one die on the side of the road in the darkness of night - alone. Truly, that is really almost too much to reconcile in one's mind, as one could probably do after death from an illness. Just my experience, though.
Judy269
DS Bereavement and Widows and Widowers
I recently started a grief support group for all losses, not just loss due to death, because so many losses are marginalized. Unfortunately, even loss due to death can be marginalized because people want to put a time limit on grief and mourning.
We really don't know how to grieve in this country. There is no "Loss 101". Part of the purpose of grieving is for us to redefine ourselves & our lives without our loved one and that takes time and effort. The only way past the pain is thru it.
The Mourners Bill of Rights
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience ―grief bursts.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move forward in your grief and heal.
- Dr. Alan Wolfelt
You also have the right to grieve/mourn in whatever time frame you need. There is no “statute of limitations” on unresolved grief. It doesn't matter if your loss occurred last year, last week or 20 year ago. Loss that is not grieved fully and completely to acceptance, will remain unhealed until we allow ourselves to go through the grief process. Time alone cannot heal the pain of the loss.
Same again when Greg Moore and others were killed on the race track virtually right in front of me -- althuogh Gregs death was not announced for 100 laps, we all knew from the fury that surrounded the scene, the lack of replays of his accident, the life flight helicopter, the fact that his teammate was pulled out of the race, that odds were good he was dead.
P.S. I find it sad that the same people that are out in the street boo-hooing about Michael Jackson would not give the time of day to their next door neighbour whose father has suddenly passed away.
The one I forgot to put down was my mother. She is with my son, so I am not
worried about any of them.
Jesus Crist has the best of our family for whatever reason
RebeccaSue
can happen. And when it doesn't then it is like a bomb dropping on youi.. I have been there
both ways.. Since 1989 I have lost 3 brothers 2 cousins, 2 neices, and 1 son the only son
I had.
RebeccaSue