Julie Cohen
Marriage and Family Therapist
Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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If at First You Don't Succeed...
20
Posted in ADHD / ADD by Julie Cohen on Aug 22, 2008

Some old sayings just don't make any sense like sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you.  What kind of rubbish is that?  If that were true I would probably be out of a job!  But some of them do ring true.  One in particular has been stuck in my head lately, "If at first you don't succeed try, try again."


As I work with clients to change negative core beliefs it is clear that assimilating newly acquired positive beliefs and tools take a lot of practice.  And along with practicing is willingness to accept the mistakes you make along the road and not consider yourself a failure in the process.


In my private practice, I have a tendency to give out homework assignments often related to challenging negative self-statements. I don't grade homework but often clients harshly grade themselves if they don't complete the task.  


Clients come to the following session with a sheepish look on their face as they tell me how they tried but couldn't manage the work.  For many, accepting that change is a process is difficult.  I see this in my client's faces as they feel embarrassed or ashamed that they did not "succeed" on the first go around. 


Part of our work together is about accepting the process and embracing the mistakes along the way as part of the journey to success.  If you are trying to create change in your life be gentle with yourself and proud of your attempts as another old saying goes, "It's not the destination, it's the journey..."


 


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Displaying comments 20-1 of 20
20
What happens when you are strong and do try, but you keep failing. I liked this article because I can connect with what you are saying. i am just scared that if I put myself out there, people won't like what they see. It makes me so nervous and it is all my doing. But how do I stop from thinking like this? And I never thought of the journey
By TurtleKisses  Nov 01, 2008
19
to comment 18....

That is all well and good, when you are able to look back on your life and have some gratification. But what about those, like myself, who have tried tried tried and tried some more, only to find that trying and failing only degrades our current stability? What if, at one point, you had the house the car the family and it was all ripped away from you, and no amount of trying to recover does anything but make it worse? What then? continute to try and fail some more so that you can have yet another black mark in an already horrendous record? Now that I am NOT trying so hard and actually went BACKWARDS instead of trying again.... I am gaining ground.... but it's because I gave up that I am moving foward, not because I tried again..... point being, try try again doesn't cover every situation....
By tryin2live  Sep 10, 2008
18
My take on what Julie is saying is that in this day and age of instant gratification, many people have expectations that change is easy and immediate. It isn't. And unless you get a lobotomy, it never will be.

We might look at WHY we want to change. Is making a change something we WANT to do, something we are doing because we think we HAVE to do, something we have been TOLD to do, or something we do for someone else?

What if, instead of focusing on "successes" & "failures," we focused on making permanent changes for the reasons that are right for us? What if we realized that the journey of change is not perfect or easy and that we are sure to goof up, just like every other person? What if we accepted ourselves for what we are, lovable human beings with our own unique Idiosyncrasies and foibles?

The only constant is change. So, maybe acceptance is the straightest path to change.

IF we keep moving forward on our journey and make adjustments along the way, then aren't we doing the best we can? And isn't that all anyone can ask for?
By SeaNymph  Sep 09, 2008
17
Better spin on that. If you don't succeed try again. If you still don't succeed try again Another way. Try that again. And if you still fail. Dump it, and go on to trying with some other issue.

For example, if you don't get along with someone, try again. Then do something different to get along with them. Repeat. If it still doesn't work, try with someone else. Banging your head against an immovable wall is seldom the answer!

You've got to know "when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to Run."...Kenny Rodgers.
By patti22  Sep 07, 2008
16
Aaliyah's song Try Again.
By otad12  Sep 06, 2008
15
rephrase to make it true please... if at first you don't sucseed, fail fail again...keep failing and listen to everyone say well at least you tried... then fail some more, until you lose all sense of self esteem and give up.... and suffer

ok now it's true
By tryin2live  Aug 31, 2008
14
If a first you don't succeed in making the correct mixture of certain chemicals you would be dead. Good idea to keep trying until you get it wrong for real!

I really hate this cliche. It gives false hope and certain pain to people who struggle with mental illness. You consistently have put up similar posts and suggestions.

My suggestions would to be stop trying to help us; you are just making it worse.
By ParagonOpus1  Aug 30, 2008
13
Thank you for this , it helps
By Kellie58  Aug 30, 2008
12
I know, I'm an arsehole. :O
By zsa  Aug 27, 2008
11
Here's a good 'DeMotivator"
"If at first you don't succeed, then maybe failure is just your style"
hahahahaha! sorry I couldn't resist.
By zsa  Aug 27, 2008
10
LOVE THIS ENTRY..THNX = )
By SimplyJT  Aug 27, 2008
9
Yes, I see your point in keep trying, especially with something like positive affirmations with the goal being a rise in self-esteem. There are times, however, when we have to either alter the process or redefine success (as someone else pointed out). When you continually beat your head against a brick wall, eventually something is going to break and it most likely ISN'T the wall. Another saying in this same ilk is, "a true definition of insanity is to continually do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome." When one is continually met with rejection, it often takes reflection and an altering of the process to attain a different outcome. Yes, try and try again, but before you do it again, learn from the failed outcome first.
By revpatty  Aug 27, 2008
8
Forgive me, I'm anal about typos and stuff like that, but it's words, not names, that will never hurt.
By soulsearcher83  Aug 26, 2008
7
Dear Julie C, So true in what you say. Sometimes we just don't love ourselves enough. When expect too much of ourselves and compare ourselves with other people, we set ourselves up for failure. I have a couple of chronic diseases and I used to think if I did this or if I did that, the incurable diseases would go away. When I accepted my lot, I relaxed, enjoyed life and hardly looked at the clock. We had breakfast at noon today. So most everyone eats breakfast earlier, so what....My dh and I are not everyone else, we are ourselves. I know it was noon because the 12:00 news came on. We take it easy, we walk our dogs three or four times a day. We visit with our neighbors who are out. We visit our neighbors who are ill or are home-bound. There are times we walk to the store for our neighbors who can't get out and who need something like milk or bread or a can of soup. We have found that helping others, helps us keep on an even keel.
By renalwife  Aug 26, 2008
6
If at first you don't succeed, re-define success!
By AzureIndigoSkies  Aug 26, 2008
5
I had a good friend on here who use to tell me that - the only failure if not succeeding is if you don't take a lesson from why something didn't work. If you take stock of why you didn't succeed at turning your life around and feeling better you need to make a list. What did you do? Why didn't that work? What way could you alter what you did to help you? Getting better is A LOT of hard work. There is be mis-steps are you figure out what YOU need to succeed to being happy. You pretty much have to learn who YOU are, how YOU tick, and what makes YOU happy. You can't go back to the way things were, life is about change. Doing the same thing over & over expecting different results, just isn't going to work.
By ConnorJohn  Aug 24, 2008
4
thanks, im still not a beautiful and unique snowflake though.

what if my personal definition of success was not completing the assignment?
By J4A  Aug 24, 2008
3
When I read your Head Topic, It tiggers me into If you don't suceed the first time, Keep on TRYING TILL IT HAPPENS! (SUCIDE)
By recycling  Aug 23, 2008
2
Just curious why this couldn't be posted on the boards, such as the depression boards where many more would see this and take note that there are many people feeling the same way they are. That we are not alone in our struggle to survive. I've taken the time to read it, but how many others will if it's not right in front of them? The last paragraph speaks volumes.
By UnsoundMind  Aug 23, 2008
1
I have found myself being way to hard on myself for all the mistakes I have done, rather than giving myself credit for recongizing the mistakes and trying to change. I liked this post. I think people are to hard on themselves. We are human...we make mistakes. But the big picture is what you mentioned. Thank you. However..I seem to still give myself a hard time sometimes and have to remind myself to stop it.
I am working on it.
By JM1992  Aug 22, 2008
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