Julie Cohen
Marriage and Family Therapist
Julie Cohen is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist MFT and a Child Mental Health Specialist with a private practice in Los Angeles Her areas of focus include depression anxiety panic post-traumatic stress bipolar…
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I am Lovable and Capable Part lll: How to Stop Your SIgn From Ripping
11
Posted in Adoption by Julie Cohen on May 15, 2008

I wasn't planning on a part three to the "I am Lovable and Capable (IALAC)" series but so many of your comments and messages about part one and part two gave me pause to think I may have left you all hanging. Many of you wanted to know how to protect your IALAC sign. Protecting your IALAC sign requires self awareness.



I think many of us rip apart our own IALAC signs without conscious thought. I've had many clients tell me that they feel they have no control over when their own negative or irrational beliefs appear and take over. Or if someone else says something hurtful or negative they also lack the ability to stop their sign from ripping. This often happens because other people's negative thoughts can trigger our own irrational thoughts/beliefs.


One reason it's so difficult to stop these negative thoughts is that they often reside in our unconscious where we have little or no awareness. You can't fight your enemy (or irrational beliefs) in the dark. The key to protecting your IALAC sign is learning how to make the unconscious/negative beliefs conscious. Because once they surface you can see them, understand them and finally change them. This is not a new theory. In fact, some of you are familiar with traditional Cognitive-Behavioral techniques and theories such as thought stopping and Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). Both focus solely on changing irrational/negative thoughts.


One consciousness raising technique that I teach clients in my private practice is to recognize and chart their irrational thoughts. Typically we identify one negative thought in session and then I ask them to become a student of themselves and notice when they say or think that thought. At this beginning stage I am not so interested in changing the thought as I am in developing self-awareness. At first this seems impossible, like finding a needle in a haystack. But, often when they begin to focus inward and become mindful of their words it's like a veil has been lifted. Many clients report that they even get a headache staying so self-focused. Others are amazed at how many times a negative thought enters their thinking.


This is a pivotal moment as now the irrational thoughts do not have complete control. Most importantly there is a feeling of empowerment. For the first time a client may feel that they have the power to change how they think and stop the negative thoughts. Of course, this only one step in the process of protecting your IALAC sign but I hope it helps to create a direction for some of you struggling with low self-esteem, negative thoughts and irrational beliefs.


Next: Part lV I am Lovable and Capable: Become a Force of Nature


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Displaying comments 11-1 of 11
11
No support from freinds or family
Since death of mother
I am always worrying,,I should send this one a gift or card
but if I don't want to see them why continue?
A few relaties seem to care.
By Kellie58  May 23, 2008
10
I find your writtings inspirational
By Madicakes  May 23, 2008
9
This is, of course, good, but I still laugh at Al Franken's portrayal of over-the-top Stuart Smalley. Sad but true:
some people are neither lovable nor capable, and wishing won't make it so.
By nutjob1961  May 22, 2008
8
Thank you for the additional comments here; however, I have a further question. I have practiced awareness and mindfulness now for several years, but I have never been able to get my emotions to fully meet my rationality, and frequently the two are in oppositon. Is this a common occurence with treatments such as CBT and RET? Are you aware of any further ways of coping with this disparity? Your responses here are greatly appreciated!
By Awake  May 20, 2008
7
I really like that acronym. IACAL As a reminder I keep an index card in my purse with the acronym, and also write down a couple of "counter thoughts" to replace any moment of weakness (negative thoughts, fears, old habits). I write down examples of times that went really well or I was proud of my actions and who I am or achievements that prove I am not incaple or unlovable. . I know my personal triggers and actually caught myself one day and said "wow, I am my worst enemy" because it was my own feedback that was making me feel bad about myself. Long story thought, this index card has helped me with new patters of thinking. I treat myself as a good friend who needs my support and I never abandon myself just as I would not abandon a good friend. If I have a weak moment, I say hang in there, maybe journal, get some sleep, do something nice for myself and this too shall pass. Any other ideas on how to reinforce the good thoughts??
By Ally444  May 19, 2008
6
Thank you for these blogs.So many of us buy into our own self image being defined by the words of others. Reconditioning takes an effort,but awareness is key.
By Val_Mc  May 18, 2008
5
I'm glad I took the time to read this blog. I am becoming more and more aware of the negative thoughts I think and it is sometimes overwhelming. It feels like it will never end and things will never get better. Now I know that being aware is a good place to start and I will try to be more patient with myself.
By angrymama  May 18, 2008
4
Plz tell me.. What's an IALAC sign? Ty &
God Bless
chip
By chipchip  May 18, 2008
3
New to the community- wish I had caught parts 1&2. Will suggest these techniques to my own therapist who is aiding me on my own journey.
By surabi  May 17, 2008
2
ty, I find your ideas helpful. Self-awareness of irrational thoughts and beliefs, like weeding the garden, I think it takes work! I'm going to try a rubber band around my wrist and 'twang' everytime I notice a negative thought or feeling and see if I can notice and awknowlwdge with compassion. In addition to my goals of acting in self-love. W
By Waveride  May 16, 2008
1
thanks this really helped alot. i'm going to try what you suggested and hopefully become more self-aware. please post the other steps if you can. much appreciated
By missknownada  May 16, 2008
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