My son has learned (he's 23) that it's ok to be disrespectful (swearing, belittling me, picking me up and tossing me in my room to "get me out of his face" because his father stands by and says that I deserve it. He can also be very loving and caring but I think that our last encounter took care of that. He says that he is right and I am wrong, end of discussion. Your comment gives me hope that he will not treat his wife like he treats his mother.

The frase: "For instance, if you were a boy you would be more likely to grow up to batter and if you were a girl you would more likely grow up and be abused." assumes the the male is always the abuser and the female is always the abused.

How about: "For instance, if you were a boy you would be more likely to grow up to abuse and if you were a girl you would more likely grow up and be an emotional abuser."

Women also abuse.

That was Superb!!! No Doubt!!! I could easily relate to this article!!!

Regards,

Deepa Abraham
United Arab Emirates
(Middle East)

I think you missed it. Having coming from the battery environment as a female, let me put it this way: My two brothers are nothing that you want to meet in a well- ighted room, much less a dark alley. I have seen them do such evil that is unspeakable to myself and others and they are now in their 60's with no change in behavior. They are still meaner than RATTLE SNAKES, even worse, because they will strike without reason or cause except for something in their twisted minds. They use resiliency as their strength to perform and survive their devilish acts. You do not seem to understand that RESILIENCY CAN BE USED FOR EVIL.

To survive, I had to learn to endure alone with no support system and that my friend is the good side of RESILIENCY. I would recover from one TRAUMATIC ACT only to be subjected to another one, and usually it was worse than the last one. I finally learned that there was no changing them and no prayer that would work, and when I thought they had changed, it was only because they were traumatizing someone else and at the moment leaving me alone. At any point and time, they would dream up some dumb reasoning in their minds to attack me - this could be verbablly or physically. For instance: One brother way laid me in a shopping center one night as I was going to my car and beat me so bad they had to sew my ear back on and my face had about 1300 stitches in it - all because - he later said: "I wanted him to go see our Mother who was crying for him and on her death bed". He only lived 2 blocks from her, but would not go visit her - for no reason....he would never say what harm he thought she had done to him. She would beat me with anything handy to her, but I never knew her to lift a finger to him. I would always forgive them because I HAD BEEN TAUGHT TO LOVE MY ABUSER....therefore, I always walked away from any abusive verbablly, mentally, physical situation - AND I LEARNED RESILIENCY by my own SELF POWER and I learned that MY SPIRIT (GOD GIVEN) was more powerful than anything they could inflict on me.

I kept helping my two brothers, hoping they would or had changed. I got the older one (1 yr older) out of jail/prison many times and I would loan him money/pick up his bad checks, got him off alcohol for about 10 years (I hear he is back to drinking now.) The younger one (7 yrs younger) just cheated me out of $15,000 plus/minus when Dad died. After Dad died, they would call - say hateful things, accuse me with lies, and hang up before I could reply....or, they would go long periods of time without calling. The younger one, I had helped get into business on his own as 18 wheel driver. I loaned him The 30,000 down, and co-signed for his $100,000 note. He paid me back the $30,000. I gave him the house on the lake when Mama died since I was trustee. It was worth about $43,000 - now worth $175,000 PLUS. He said, the past does not matter, what have you done for me TODAY. He tried to see my doctors to get medical information that he could use against me, and tried to get the older brother to join with him to get me in some INTERVENTION program. My doctors laughed when I told them what was going on. The older brother ratted on the younger brother and told me what he was up to. The younger brother said I was drugged at Dad's funeral in Atlanta. I said, not true, do you think I would drive my NEW CAR from Houston to Atlanta on any drugs. Have you ever known me to abuse any drug? No reply only a hang up. My older brother turned kind of nice before Christmas 08, (Dad died 3/28/08, day before his 95th), and after I bought everyone nice presents...i.e., his son a new notebook vista HP, he turned again and cursed me out because I had blasted our father 23 years ago. I had a right to blast Dad. He had molested 8 young girls in a trailer park - playing Santa Claus. Guess who got him off, right, me, by getting the courts to agree to therapy instead of a life in prison for an old demented man.

Well, on January 10th 2009, my older brother called laughing and wanted to know if I was still upset - II told my older brother he was DEAD as far as I was concerned and if he came on my street I would have him arrested (since he has came after me before with a Magnum 44 and I had to run and hide). He said he was on dope. Makes no difference - MEAN IS MEAN. On February 2nd, 2009, my younger brother dialed me by accident because I was still on his speed dial, and I told him TOO MUCH WATER UNDER THAT BRIDGE and he was DEAD to me. In January, through a friend of his, I made an offer to get together at some public place and see if we could iron out the difference and he would not. II told him no surprise visits (as he took the hinges off the door on his last exit - and good thing I had a nurse with me - no telling what he might have done to me) and if his truck was on my street, I would call the police. MEAN IS MEAN. Or, mean has meaning behind it.

You see, all I ever wanted was for them to love me, and because they are both SOCIOPATHS they will never be able to do that. It only took me 66 years to give up that dream. Yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell and on some days I cry & cry....other days, I am just depressed. However, I KNOW THAT I MUST KEEP MY RESILIENCY STRONG because I cannot change the past, or them. I do have a choice about MY FUTURE. I DO NOT HAVE TO ENDURE THEIR PAIN ANY LONGER. IT IS ONLY THE DREAM OF WHAT I WANTED IT TO BE THAT HURTS ME NOW and soon that will pass. I find that it is just worse when I am physically sick like now.

In late April 07, I had a physic message to call my ex-husband (we had been divorced for 27 years, married 12), and I said: Randy, what is wrong? He said he was dying of TERMINAL CANCER. I told him I WOULD NOT LET HIM DIE ALONE. I got off my respiratoryy. I left Houston on next flight to Orlando; he lived an hour bus ride out of Orlando. I stayed 2 months went with him to see all his doctors, and to make the crematory plans. In July I had to come back to Houston because I had 2 cats and some business matter that had to be handled. I called Randy, and told him he would have to come here and that I would fight over, put the villa on the market, and drive him back here to Houston. I did all that in one week. After he got here, he never got out of the bed again and he died in my arms on 10/8/07. I think I died too. The months we had together were great and he told me how much he loved me always. Three days after his death, a cousin of his in California called and I found out the real reason that our marriage would not work. I'm glad Randy never knew this about his parents because it would have only hurt him more. I had taken him to Houston's best pyschiatric doctors trying to fix our problem, but they would finally call me in and tell me they could no longer take my money because whatever it was - it was buried so deep, that Randy could not get to it and could NOT change his behavior. I would cry and cry. I divorced a man I loved very much but could not live with because it was like eating ground glass. Well, all that is another story. Let's just say:
I HAD RESILIENCY. After Randy died, I lost my two cats that I had for 9 plus years, car accident and mystery disappearance. I cried some more. Then my father died March 28, 08, - all that within 5 months - I CRIED. After I came back from Atlanta, I got phuemonia and was in the hospital. Do you think my two brother's even called or EVER ASKED how I was doing? NO NO NO. Now, that is RESILIENCY...I survied!

Yes, you are right - I wrote them out of my life and out of MY WILL. I still love them, however, I HAVE LEARNED TO LOVE ME MORE than them and that whatever time I have remaining, I will spend it in some sort of PEACE without abuse even if that means being ALONE forever and dying ALONE. The child advocacy program said I should write my life's story - that it might help others to have RESILIENCY. I just want to say to anyone going through these types of traumas: 'YOU WITH YOUR SPIRIT ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE".
YOU ARE SMARTER AND STRONGER FOR HAVING ENDURED. YOU MAY END YOUR ABUSER AFFECT ON YOUR LIFE AT ANY TIME - AND, NEVER BE AFFRAID TO LET ANYONE OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Just do it faster than I did. Don't hang on to HOPE that anyone will change. It is the false HOPE. It is as you learned as a child: A LEOPARD DOES NOT CHANGE IT'S SPOTS.

Thank you all for listening, and for writing about RESILIENCY. When you have lived through abuse, YOU MUST LEARN RESILIENCY, INTER STRENGTH AND SURVIORSHIP. There are lots of books - READ THEM - USE THEM. LOVE TO YOU ALL. robbiehammel@hotmail.com

Alice Miller writes about the role of an "enlightened witness" being a critical factor for the odds of a trauma survivor becoming a whole after devastating abuse or events. Check out her website to read the piece she has posted there about how important it is to validate and support a trauma survivor so that they can do so for themselves. Your article on resiliency is insightful and well written. I will share it with others who I know it will reach. Thank you. Heather golightlymuse

i have survived 2 main experiances of violence myself. It has made me stronger, more compassionated and given me knowledge. I have never been violent myself but i have learned to walk away from abuse of any kind much more swiftly. I worry however for my son who has a violent biological father who legally he must visit, tho the family british courts have been made aware. I worry that my young son may pick up bad attitudes and habits towards women or become anxious, if subected to his behaviour. I am powerless to prevent this contact. I can only do my best on my time to encourage respect, kindness and morality towards others. i have to hope it's enough and i dread a child i have loved turning into someone who is cruel to anyone

i am still struggling until now for all the effects of my "ptsd" but everytime i think about my life,it made me think how i did manage to survive what i went through...i am still alive after all ,and this alone made me think how i did this....and now i am still "sane" and the rest of my sanity keeps me going on,also having some people who i am attached emotionally makes me resilient maybe..i still deal with my traumas and this is an everyday struggle for me..

For me, I always find it helpful to know the word origin and definition:

word origin of resilience
1626, from L. resiliens, prp. of resilire "to rebound, recoil," from re- "back" + salire "to jump, leap" (see salient). Cf. result.

Medical Dictionary
Resilience
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

I figure if I made it through alive, I am resilient. If I had died, at least I was resilient.
No one 'bounces back' from trauma. If they do, then they had stress, not trauma.

Thanks for the article. I agree that "resiliency" is a fundamental trait by those of us who have experienced trauma. Resiliency in terms of our ability/capacity to rebound. I also agree that attachment issues in early childhood manifest into adulthood, and are likely exacerbated by traumatic experience/s. I also agree that healthy role models are significant to recovery (one of my therapists had never experienced trauma, but I preferred her because of the model of behavioral health that she represented for me, that I did not receive from biological caretakers (one of which is 6 feet under with a hole in his head).

I believe that it isn't enough to merely outline to a trauma survivor what's wrong, but believe they also and perhaps more importantly need to see what "health" looks like (wink).

We are having tornado warnings where I live. Gotta run.

Thank you. Will look forward to future articles on this topic.

note: the word freaking below is a typing error and not intentional. I was typing 'breaking free', backspaced to make a correction and did not see I had typed over the br with fr. My apologies.

My feeling, as a trauma survivor, is simply this: ANYONE who survives trauma is resilent. Anyone who survived in any way they could, is resilient. And when the time is right for each individual, they will find their way. No amount of trying to make it happen will make it happen. When the body and mind are able to begin processing, it will happen. Not a moment sooner than when you can process it. That protection is built in to keep you surviving. Trauma is a profoundly personal experience that unless you have gone through it, you can not begin to fathom.
To say that the degree of resilience is directly related to success of breaking freaking free is to put yet another burden on a survivor. It creates a second level of questioning and serves only to break down whatever fragile self esteem may be left. No trauma survivor needs to start asking themselves,"Am I resilient?" or beat themselves up with, "I must not be resilient and that is why I fail". The last thing a trauma survivor needs is yet another thing they can blame on themselves. We already struggle with blaming ourselves for what has befallen us.
The kindest thing I remember someone saying when I was lamenting the list of reasons why it was my fault and that I was a coward, was this: "You did what you had to do to survive. You ARE brave". If she had told me the degree of my success was dependent on my resilience, I would have jumped off a bridge.
I say to my fellow trauma survivors: You did what you had to do to survive. The path to healing is already unfolded before you and you will see it when your body and mind are ready.
Blessed Be.

i have never had any one in my life that i could look up to or have a good memory of

I agree! I didn't known then, that those that did share did leave their marks of positive with me. This embedded lesson feel, could have only empowered me more to do the same to with other 'at risk families and children' I have worked with.

I supported most funded programs that enabled such positive opportunities to plant it's seeds. Unfortunately, due to these times - fundings are cut, and those poor have not the resources. Yet, we hope the resilency & compassion of our government & communties would find it's way.

This is a wonderful article. I believe alot in resiliency. I do want to caution you though. Not every person has had someone positive in thier lives during a time of child abuse or even DV. However, it is still possible to be resilient and over come these issues and grow.

Hi Julie

This is a great article...thank you...

My user name is TheNewMan and I have posted an item exactly on this topic, in the Breakups & Divorce section. I am in the role of the newly aquired support person. If you could, please would you check it and respond. Many thanks.

New

> if you have a healthy connection or attachment to another person it will be more difficult to act violently towards them when angered.

Why would I want to be violent towards anybody, whether I'm angry or not ??

My problem is anxiety -- violence is no part of that.

Funny, I was just thinking about this question only yesterday. I'm one of those folks that others look up to and spend a lot of time commending me for my strength. From my perspective, I just do what I have to do and deal with the consequences later. I don't know how to do anything else. I am a very caring and affectionate person but I admit that sometimes "suck it up and deal with it" can make me rather hard.

I had a difficult life. I cannot change what was. I can only learn from my past and change myself and my future through the choices I make today. I credit my Mother for teaching me to "suck it up etc." Many times she waved her finger under my nose with the words "I don't care if you grow up to hate me kid you're gonna grow up right". She never once allowed me to run away from my problems. She taught me to face my life head on. Sometimes she (and Dad) were too hard on me but one thing I have learnt from my past is that I am glad they were. Mum was my support figure.

Thanks to Mum's teachings and my own choice to grow and learn I am that person who can help and inspire others but sometimes some of those folks who admire me get really frustrating. I try to pass on what I have learned but they're not interested. They only want to admire me. They don't care to learn how to see their own inner strength and beauty. They're happy in their misery. They often want me to feel sorry for them but I can't because life is what it is. If you suck it up and deal with it, instead of running away you get to see what a beautiful, exciting adventure life is. It's just a matter of what you choose to see and learn I guess.

Anyone can be strong. I'm not saying it's easy but, contrary to popular belief, it is a choice you make. I suppose it helps though to have someone who can show you the way.